The Elf and Unicorn

p'raps they have wandered off Martin? I suspect the establishment may have lasted longer had Taj the so-called bouncer been firmer with the impastas.

.......hello ? are you still serving then ?

there's no where to sit down

Is the refurbishment finished then? Didn't this used to be a bank or something? I've just moved back to the area after travelling web wild world. Are these sofas and coffee mugs the new style? Would you like a blueberry or cinnamon muffin?

*coughs louder*

Is there any live music ...like Elfis...he was a particular favourite of mine1

May I be the first to enter your premises young elfbone. I congratulate you on your most pleasant surroundings. Perhaps after a drink.... no wine list yet I notice...... I could interest you in my mythical beast? He's really quite armless. So long as he's kept in my pocketsessss.

Damn that talking horse! Snuck in when I wasn't looking. Some kind of neighhhhbour you turned out to be palomino.

absolutely NO live music ... as this is my own establishment i can ban musicians ..... hahahahahaha ...... now strider ... sorry no menu yet ... so will a bit of the house white do you for now?

Why the long face...! Sorry...v.old joke!

Better give the bit to the horse IelfB and I'll have the rest. Mr E? did you know you left your injun running outside?

usual please, and a perrier and a peanut for the little lady

awwwwww how sweet robert ... you brought your daughter!

We, the residents of the 'Getting Published' Forum heartily welcome the Ivy League of Gentlemen and Ladies to our humble neighbourhood. We sincerely hope that property prices will soar due to our imminent gentrification.

"Serving!" "We are overflowing with it!" "Try the new place down the road mate!" "Time gentlemen please!" The water on the knees of Mother Brown evapourates. The uzipped strings of the old Joanna pipe the automatic music of since gone days of trad rags. "Time gentlemen please!" "Serving, ha!"

thank you for the warm welcome ... and robert .. would your daughter like a nice straw in that perrier?

i'll have you know...dah just give us another pint of elfmeiseter

so ... about the cherry famine robert ... what is your theory?

hmmmm...i don't think that elves are capable of theft, but they are very benevolent...could they be re-distributing the cherries, perhaps?

... giving them to the needy in a series of charitable acts you mean? .... i hardly think it is likely ... elves are selfish and poisonous creatures in my reckoning ...

Ho Hum Boo Biggle Bumderole Here I come for my profiterole You say there is a cherry famdirole? Just have to have a pint of lager then please luv.

We are not so too poisonous and selfish (don't get confused because selfish has got the word elf in it). Some of us are nice. To prove it, can I buy anyone a drink?

..... ahh ... the customer is always right ... ouzo for me and make it a large one ...

no probs. One large ouzo for you. Do you do cocktails here?

ooooooooh loadsa cocktails ... whatever you like elfish one ... (note to patrons: see what being nice to elves does? ... cherry famine now over ... it's official!)

How about a honey mead margarita then?

help yers elf ... i am too pissed to care ....

If an artist comes to the bar and notices a mythical creature pulling up a bar stool next to him, he could honestly think that it might be a pigment of his imagination. Sorry. It's my only contribution but socially, I don't get out much.

hahahahaha .... haha ..... ha ... wolfie have another drink ...

Ivy, dear, sorry I'm late but I've just been down to the Bookies. I could Mordor a pint of Scouring of the Shire cider.

coming right up WH pal ... hey did you put that bet on for me?

Yes, a fiver on Sunbeam in the Grand Irrational. I reckon you can spot a winner a mile of.

I meant ' a winer a mile off'

i came in here to get a rest from this spamming fuckwit anyone serving? i need a drink....

you know WH ... i am not really cut out for this serving malarkey ... i am much better off on the other side of the bar with a fag in a long ivory holder ... long black gloves ... you know the sort of thing ... so was thinking of getting some staff ... what do you reckon ... what were the odds on sunbeam by the way?

VERY ODD Sorry about the slip of the tongue earlier. I find I do that a lot these days. I took the early senility option when I bought my pension. I wrote a poem about that chap who invented it. I think I have the scrap of paper I wrote it on right here… yes - 'Lines to the Memory of Alois Alzheimer (1864 to er, what was it now…

*drafting job ad* zero pay ... terrible conditions ... errrm ... poets need not apply ... anything i've missed?

the compulsory lobotomy, Ivory.

I've finally burnt my guitar in an effort to be accepted in the finer drinking establishments ... but can't help bursting into song at the drop of a hat.... so please - keep a firm grip on your hats folks ...he he

*ties hat on with string*

Mmm... is that what passes for fashion these days?

would you know WH ... i have no idea ... i have no dealings with fashion ... i prefer style ... so much more timeless ...

My bedroom used to resemble a sty. I once had a stye in my eye. However, how in the 'L' do I get some style?

i don't think it is something you can GET ... i think you just HAVE it ...

Oh dear. I thought it was something you could order from the Argos catalogue. Oh well, if you've never had it, you can't miss it. Now that Wolfie, her at the big house, she such a stylish miss. Modest too. I could learn a lot from her.

the littlewoods catalogue has a style section

Oooh ta luv. I always thought that Littlewoods was a little too upmarket for me. I was only telling Lily the other day, when I asked her for an opinion on me piles. Still, thanks for the tip. By the way, it's a queer pub this one. Funny shade of green that little man over there. Oooooooh, and that one. Don't think I'll try the food in here.

Does this establishment require a bouncer? If so, I'd like to put my name forward. I've got an advanced bouncing diploma from Bradford and Ilkley College; as a result I am qualified for both the Yorkshire "if yer not on t' list yer can't come in" and the Cockney "wotcher fink you plaaaaying at sunshine". I also have a GCSE in strong-arming.

*rather thrilled* i am prepared to consider you for the post ... please let me know immediately of your vital statistics and send a photo ...

*knocks*.......room for a little one ?