Pockets Of Me.

http://www.abctales.com/node/544341 Hi Emma, I had a read of 'Pockets of Me'. First off, keep writing! You have some lovely turns of phrase like "‘Like this’ – just to be clear, is like I have been hit by a bus, 5 times, then dropped off a cliff, and saved by a tribe that stuck me in a boiling pot for dinner. " My advice would be to take what you've written there, which is about 800 words and try to distil it down to 400 words. take out every none essential word. For example, this sentence: "It was a shock last week when I found a lump on my neck" could become "I found a lump on my neck last week." This distilation would be the first step, because the second step is turning your set up into a story. You've very well established that your protagonist is put upon, both at work and by her boyfriend. She is, to an extent, a martyr always suffering for other people. She's waiting for results of a medical test, feeling rubbish and dragged herself off to see a friend. That is what we know so far. What I want to know is what happens next: Is it glandular fever? Is her testimony reliable? Is she really as put upon and essential as she feels? What does her boyfriend do? How does she 'reclaim' herself? How does the illness fit in? What happens at work? You have at least three characters in the story already. What happens to them? What do they look like? How do they interact? They're all stood there, frozen, waiting for you to give them things to do, conflict to have, conversations and arguements and recriminations... Hope this helps Emma, Cheers, Mark Brown, Editor, www.ABCtales.com

http://www.abctales.com/node/544341 If it were me, Emma (and this is very differnt to what I write, so take this with a pinch of salt), I would consider: Removing many of the exclaimation marks Avoid rhetorical questions, consider rephrasing those. Avoid, or at least be wary of, direct references to the reader. Consider the structure Consider rephrasing: “Oh tell me about it, me me me me me me me me me me. And what do I do? I can tell you are all cringing, “you poor thing, let me top up your wine and you can tell me what happened.” Maybe I should buy one of those books, ‘how to reclaim yourself!’ I’m too tired to go to the book shop, and who else is going to go? That part needs impact, I think, which is missing a little (also there's an loose " in there) I don't mean to be over-critical, because I don't feel over-critical about it, but I have said everything I thought, because I'm guessing that's what you wanted. Like I say, though, it's only my opinion. Ben

http://www.abctales.com/node/544341 If it were me, Emma (and this is very differnt to what I write, so take this with a pinch of salt), I would consider: Removing many of the exclaimation marks Avoid rhetorical questions, consider rephrasing those. Avoid, or at least be wary of, direct references to the reader. Consider the structure Consider rephrasing: “Oh tell me about it, me me me me me me me me me me. And what do I do? I can tell you are all cringing, “you poor thing, let me top up your wine and you can tell me what happened.” Maybe I should buy one of those books, ‘how to reclaim yourself!’ I’m too tired to go to the book shop, and who else is going to go? That part needs impact, I think, which is missing a little (also there's an loose " in there) I don't mean to be over-critical, because I don't feel over-critical about it, but I have said everything I thought, because I'm guessing that's what you wanted. Like I say, though, it's only my opinion. Ben

I really like the idea of yourself as a natural "giver" being described as pockets into which other people think they can delve - that's a really good and original metaphor to me, and there's a lot of wry self-awareness. You need to edit it a bit, like making sure speech is always in pairs of quotation marks, and the stuff Enzo has suggested.