origami. by queenelf.

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
origami. by queenelf.

http://www.abctales.com/story/queenelf/origami

although you may hate me .. have you thought of trying it something like this, i hate the use of / to stress the poem... tis ugly.

Origami.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
So you think you have clever hands?

To cast in paper shapes images of
a moth or butterfly.
Create for yourself
something that is not me?
So you'll take up little pieces of me:
an image -
a thought of power?

Now make a flower:
a lotus
blossom opening in fragrant breeze,
or a dragon to devour all memories.
Maybe a gilded bird in a golden cage
or
a peacock proud with a tail of eyes?

To garnish, to decorate for show?

I'll hide admist the folds
where
paper hides a thousand lies
and
you will never find me there
nor

seek to display a sleight of hand.
We know you now
the trapped
and the slain.
The Geisha shakes
her fan and pearls of wisdom open
falling in prisms of reflected light.

Make of me a serpent uncoiled
to strike with venom at your throat
or a clawed tiger
about to leap
rather than open at your command.

The year of the monkey
has gone
and
the papers uncurl
burnt offerings
at the shrine of wisdom.

You are -
Nothing.
You cannot create or try to
emulate
something beyond your frail
understanding.

I am
we are
your discarded
Shapes
risen from the ashes of
your spent desires.

Truth is beyond you
art lies
in freedom.

© Lisa Fuller April 2006.

oops that actually posted in without many of the bits i wanted, to show... i made it concrete, added bits that floated and it didntpost. I am 111111 we are 111111111111111 your discarded Shapes something like this. perhaps.

maisie angel Guess what?  I'm still alive!

Thanks Maisie, no I don't mind you saying that, the use of / was suggested for the previous poem. I've changed some of the words & discarded others. I think I'll use your suggestion, it reads much better. Thanks again, I didn't want this one to sink. LisaX

Lfuller

Before I edit this, does anyone else have any useful comments? I won't be offended.

Lfuller

I feel the strength of QE's writing and this piece lies more in kickass images like "tail of eyes" than overtstatements, as at the end. A little ambiguity is always good. "I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy."

"I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy."

Hello again Lisa, You know I love this poem. But I am furious with myself for not printing out the orginal weeks ago, before my initial email. I am worried you have lost very clever and cohesive original which I still say only needed the barest edit. I suggested the fifth line could go and the last statement needed to be split in two with a full stop. That was it for me... nothing else needed changing as far as I was concerned. Please examine your original once again Lisa, see if it really needs anything changing... Very best wishes. Frances. Check out my website: http://www.francesmacaulayforde.com
Thanks Frances. I've edited this about five times now, I think I must stop now before I bore people to death. The original post confused me with so many people suggesting different things. So I left it for a long while and tried again. I'm just so grateful that people bothered to read it again. It's kind of hard when you know you have done your best, but comments help to let me grow. I'm still struggling with modern poetry, I may get there in end. LisaX

Lfuller

Yes it's good Lisa, I particularly like the Chinese imagery coming to life and the realisation that there's a kind of cleverness of hand which really doesn't amount to very much. Neil
Thanks for all the comments and the words of advice. I may have written the original lines, but it's due to your suggestions that it's finally got a cherry. I think that says a lot about feedback and the wilingness to accept constructive criticism.

Lfuller

Woo-Hoo! Very well deserved Lisa!
Topic locked