The Box Man - Mikepyro

http://www.abctales.com/story/mikepyro/the-box-man-edited-0

I thought this story was good and showed a lot of potential. The central image is a good one - compelling, quite awful - the sort that might stay with you.

I liked the ambiguity of the narrator. What on earth was he playing at...? He is obsessional, dark and intruiging. He also narrates in a matter of fact style that belies the dark subject matter.

It could do with some cleaning up, and maybe some expanding. You could really play on the tension - it could be much longer.

An example of the basic cleaning up would be on something like the following:

You wrote:
'They flashed up, so suddenly that I jerked back, the eggs and milk came crashing down in a torrent of white and yellow mess. I stood looking at the eyes for the longest, and they stared back. The eyes were bright, blue like that of an innocent child, yet they held a darkened flame housed only by the cruelest of beings.'

You could make it better by:
'They flashed up, so suddenly that I jerked back, the eggs and milk came crashing down in a torrent of white and yellow. I stood looking at the eyes for a long time and they stared back. The eyes were bright, blue like that of (put in different image here, as innocent child is too easy), yet they held a (different image other than darkened flame, which is also a bit too easy) housed only by the cruel.'

Or something like that anyway. I like 'a torrent of white and yellow' - although this makes me think of lots and lots of milk, and lots and lots of eggs....

Good story though.