Asking for criticism please.

It's hard to say what the weaknesses are, without knowing what the assignment was I think - if it were an assignment asking for a magazine lifestyle article, then I think it's absolutely fine, more than fine in fact, and i'd be interested to know what your tutors remarks were. I had a creative piece badly marked when i did my degree, and it gave me the right hump as it was a piece that i'd had really positive feedback on from other sources. My tutor at the time was a notable playwright, so i felt wounded and useless for ages, until I came to the conclusion that it's pretty subjective anyway, even at that level. Sure, she knew what she was talking about when it came to writing, but not to ALL writing - we all write differently and like to read different styles. Your tutor should be able to spot good writing though - what was the mark? You say it's fairly respectable - I got a 57% for mine and I was fuming. I think, rather than chuck it all in, you should grit your teeth and take your mark. Get through the degree, get your qualification. Will he be your tutor for the entire degree?

This is not too short. It's far too long for the information contained within it and for the level of interest that it's likely to arouse in a reader. For me, the key problem with this is that you're trying far too hard to write and it completely suffocates the story that you should be telling. There's far, far too many unnecessary adjectives. As an experiment, I would try literally removing all the adjectives. You might need to put a couple back in but it would read an awful lot better. Your use of alliteration would be endearing for a 10 year old who's just beginning to explore the language but is annoying to the point of being criminal in someone looking to write professionally. By the third instance, "definite decision", I'd be contemplating physical violence rather than just giving you some stuffy comments. Your over-writing seriously inhibits communication: "The butterfly that emerged from the cocoon of Mike’s former self was of a species unknown to us" This is a deeply hackneyed cliche which tells the reader far less than if you used normal language. "Mike immediately changed for the better. We wondered if it would last." Would be far less annoying and convey far more information. Good non-fiction should give the impression that the writer is talking to the reader and trying to tell them something. This piece gives the impression that your talking to yourself and revelling in the opportunity to embellish basic facts with as much linguistic garnish as possible.

Not sure if you want advice from me but I've had a rough go at re-writing the first chunk to illustrate what I'm saying. You're version is 358 words, mine's 252. Hope this helpful. My harsh tone is due to lack of time rather than any intention to cause offence. “My car’s trip-meter insists that it’s a journey of a mere one hundred and thirty-five miles (plus ferry crossing) from home in Sussex to our house in France, but in reality it is a life-altering journey back in time to a calmer age. A year ago I had no notion of buying a house abroad. Had the idea ever entered my head it would have been dismissed instantly as something that other people do. Rich people. But then two things set off the chain of events that led Husband and me to Lonlay L’Abbaye, an impossibly picturesque village in the heart of Lower Normandy. The first was that I found myself hurtling towards my fiftieth year, and realised with astonishment that I was not, as I had previously assumed, immune from ageing. Along with visions of cheap motor insurance and Saga holidays, came the uncomfortable realisation that I had no pension. Barely a minute’s consideration of this terminally tedious subject was enough to tell me that it was too late to start saving now. The answer (if such it proves to be) came from an unexpected quarter. Mike had been a friend of Husband’s for three decades when he suffered a sedate nervous breakdown, went bald in a matter of weeks and moved to France. The butterfly that emerged from the cocoon of Mike’s former self was of a species unknown to us, and we watched impotently to see if his fragile new wings would support him, or if he would crash, tattered and defeated. He’s still flying over a year later and, tellingly, quite a lot of his hair has grown back. I have wondered if perhaps Husband studied his own receding hairline in the mirror and decided to try Mike’s baldness cure. Whether it was that or something more prosaic I don’t know, but shortly after a visit from Mike during which he waxed lyrical about the peace and serenity to be had for the asking in Normandy, and the far more civilised property prices there than here, Husband raised the subject of a holiday home in France as a possible solution to my pension predicament.” “It’s only one hundred and thirty-five miles (plus ferry crossing) from home in Sussex to our house in France but it seems like a journey back in time to a calmer age. A year ago, I would never have considered buying a house abroad. It was something that rich people did. Two things changed my mind and eventually led my husband and me to Lonlay L’Abbaye, a beautiful village in the heart of Lower Normandy. The first thing was that I found myself nearing my fiftieth year and realised that I was not, as I had previously assumed, immune from ageing. Along with visions of cheap motor insurance and Saga holidays, came the realisation that I had no pension and that it was too late to start saving now. The second thing was Mike. Mike had been a friend of my husband’s for thirty years when he suffered a nervous breakdown. He went bald in a few weeks and moved to France. Mike immediately changed for the better. We thought it might not last but it has. Over a year later, he’s still doing well and quite a lot of his hair has grown back. Maybe it was after studying his own receding hairline in the mirror that my husband decided to try Mike’s baldness cure. It was after a visit from Mike, complete with tales of the peace, serenity and civilised property prices in Normandy, that he first suggested a holiday home in France as a solution to my pension difficulties.”

Wasn't a 1 minute response. Second post crossed with yours. Quite worried about the Open University on this evidence although I do know one of their tutor's whose very good.

Cathy, I found your piece, on buying ahome in Normandy, interesting and entertaining enough. Brevity in a piece is not easily arrived at by me either. I don't know what criticism you received for the piece, but obviously you disagree with it. That's normal enough. I find that most writers accept criticism about as readily as a neighbor telling us that one of our family members "isn't too objectionable for a low grade moron." The hackles rise immediately and the fight is on! Your instructor is entitled to his/her opinion. Is it valid? Who can say? The only thing you can do is try to look at the criticism objectively and see if you can learn something from it. If there is nothing there, in your opinion, then you have already gained some valuable confidence in your writing style and voice. Maybe you are indeed right. If you think so, then rock on. Years ago, I too did battle with tutors. I found it usually got me no where and only served to ruin my digestion. Do what you have to do to attain your degree and learn from the process. In the meantime, write the way you want to write.The only true and ultimate judges of the merits of your work are your readers. Many writers, and all other forms of artistic expression, are sometimes vindicated long after their demise. I think it best to write the way you see things, with a strong and personal voice. Maybe it will sell, maybe not, but you will be happy "doing it your way." That is a worthwhile trade off and will give you more satisfaction than arguing with a lunkhead who may or not be full or bologna. In any case, keep writing.It is who and what you are. Vaya Con Dios Cathy, Joseph Xavier Martin

Some ideas below on what your tutor may have been getting at. Before that, though, I should say that my criticism isn't intended to prove that this piece of writing is bad. It's not bad at all. From my experience editing various magazines, most unsolicited stuff we get sent is a lot worse than this. You're a good writer and the subject matter is interesting. I'm just highlighting some of the things that I think stop a decent piece of writing from being a very good or excellent piece of writing. I''m continuing with these points because I think it's a useful function for a site like ABC. Anyway: "Your version did of course strip out every vestige of my personality, but if one is setting out to record events without the author getting in the way then that may be a good thing." I think situation was that the original piece could have been taken either way. The problem was that it was piece of journalism trying to be a bit of poetic prose. My comments and re-write were based on the fact that, from the starting point, their would be less work involved that turning it into a publishable magazine feature than making a good piece of more literary descriptive prose. The tutor's comments may have been based on what you'd need to do to turn the piece into a more literary wrok. The essential problems are still the same. That you're attempting to use literary devices such as alliteration and metaphor but because you appear not to know how and why these devices work - and the ways that they can logically be used - in using them badly you communicate less than if you hadn't used them at all. For examples, having read your work I've got no idea what your area of France looks and feels like. And I don't have any notion - beyond the basic facts - of why Mike had his breakdown and/or the emotional feelings of you and your husband that led you to take decisions you did. My ley point was that the reader doesn't really know any less, having taken out your descriptive stuff, than they do with it in. If the tutor was saying that you need to do more to show what places like and how people feel - to give a couple of examples - that's equally good advice to mine or, if you want to be a literary writer rather than a journalist, probably much better advice.