Moon View Mtn Rd - by Foster

Another carefully spun tale by Foster. You really get the feeling that every word was picked with care. This is a must read. Oh, and I didn't see the end coming until the paragraph before. Cheers, Lisa

Foster, have you posted this before but without the book of warnings stuff? Either way, I like the book of warnings stuff very much - especially the penultimate one. Like a lot of Foster's stories this seem to me to be on the verge of very good but not quite there. I can't really put my finger on one reason why, it lacks a simplicity of structure a story this short needs, they visit the road too many times perhaps, and there's too much stuff like 'Words once spoken were no longer said' and 'she answered only with expression' which is all very nice and poetic but left me thinking 'what words? what expression?' and gave the story a slippery feel like I couldn't get any traction on it, if you see what I mean. I did like it though.

NIce rhythm to this story and the ending works well. I thought the end was nicely underplayed but I could have gone for even less details of the actual act - just the books warning to imply the action. I think it would be more unsettling. Thanks for this. Joe

i loved the story and the interleaving of the warnings - something about them that appeals to some deep seated story telling response i think ... i like the way they structure it - it's written beautifully but my heart SANK at the ending - i think (not to spoil it for anyone else reading it) that those kind of endings are so common as to be hackneyed - i remember reading the judging report from some arvon short story comp and it said a massive percentage of those stories ended like this i would have much preferred the ending to have been open - poignant - fitting with the subtlety of the writing

Everyone's got different opinions. I thought the ending was fine, but the warning ("Don't kill people...") was silly. "...and buried her with the same bloodstained shovel that took her life" is almost tautological. If it *wasn't* the same shovel that took her life, why would it be bloodstained? "...and buried her with the bloodstained shovel" implies everything we need to know. Agree with Dan that some of the romantic 'love ebbing away' language needs to be replaced with something colder, simpler. The best part of this is the matter-of-factness, in my opinion. ~ I'll Show You Tyrants * Fuselit * The Prowl Log * Woe's Woe

Thanks for the flag, G4 (Ben started that, but I like it), and thanks for sorting out the link, Nicky. This was my attempt at a Lisa-style story. As you might have gathered from Dan’s post, I’ve been on this one for a while. These suggestions are so clear - yes, “the same blood-stained shovel” is more than enough, and perhaps even still TOO much, – the ending is where I’ll focus next, along with some of the phases that stick out. As for originality, Fish’s post will tell you what I already knew: it’s not an original idea (are there any left?), but I tried to present it in a new way – really the best I can hope for. Thanks everyone, foster.

Foster, Can I make a suggestion? I agree that the shovel kind of jars. How about you have him wiping the shovel and then start digging. Maybe not even carry her out of the car. Then have one last line from the book about always keeping your tools clean. Hope this helps. Lisa

A fine suggestion, Lisa - thanks.