thimble-sorts, brighteyes

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Sun, 2007-03-25 12:53

littleditty

thimble-sorts, brighteyes

i liked this
http://www.abctales.com/story/brighteyes/thimble-sorts

the third line is bothering me! but this is a very interesting read.

Mon, 2007-03-26 16:52

brighteyes

Hey ld - thanks for the flag. What's proving bothersome about that third line, just so I have an idea what needs remedied?

"I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy."

Tue, 2007-03-27 11:42

Margharita

Hi - I had a problem with the third line too. I think the use of the adverb 'appreciatively' (oh God, have I got my grammar right??) confuses - I had to read it over several times before I understood. Don't know if that was the problem your other reviewer had. Othewise, really liked the piece. Margharita

Thu, 2007-03-29 10:16

littleditty

Yes it twas! i've been thinking about it - and i think i can be of no help at all! :( 'The jeers die behind me. I can't help thinking they meant, if not well, appreciatively.' I can't help thinking they meant well; if not well, then appreciatively /with appreciation? The jeers die behind me. I can't help thinking they meant, if not well, then appreciatively grr! is that what you meant? -it is a stumbler though, and perhaps this is not such a bad thing? got me to think about it, but might do to say it some other way... I loved 'It makes the hours of turning hoof clops into pixie clicks when walking twelve stone in heels worth every step' and the fairy at the end is wicked... It's a cruel trick, giving a girl the style and desire to be Marlene, this made me think of Top Girls - churchill's play. enjoyed your poem :)ditty!

Sat, 2007-03-31 21:07

(Reply to #4) #5

brighteyes

Thanks for the feedback guys. It is a clunky word, it's true, and the only reason I chose it was because there doesn't seem to be another word that does the same job. I'm going to give some thought to rejigging that first stanza altogether, as it doesn't really roll off the tongue, as you both point out. Thank you! (and kudos for getting Caryl Churchill in there - like her very much) brighteyes x

"I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy."

Tue, 2007-04-10 08:09

littleditty

yes, tricky as there isnt another word for it that i can think of -did you jig it yet? I am going to read again! ld x

Tue, 2007-04-10 08:12

littleditty

you did! :o) well done too!

Wed, 2007-04-11 19:18

(Reply to #7) #8

brighteyes

Yes, thank you so much for the helpful crit LD! It looks way better now and I'm much happier.

"I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy."

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