DBD Inc by Lorenzo Cavendish

Hey i really enjoyed that story. it was cool. you could do a whole novel with that concept and i bet it would go into print. :-). like..if someone signed their life away and then later changed their mind, and tried to stop the company from fulfilling their death they had signed to?....that'd be awesome. pursue this vein of thread. Sophia Grace

Yeah thats what i meant. Stretch the plot, add stuff. it could work. I know authors that have a dream. This dream takes up 2 pages of their novel..but its what gets them started. A two minute dream, expanded by the imagination can become a novel for millions to enjoy. :-). Sophia Grace

It wasn't bad. The ending was a bit obvious, and it could afford to be tightened up somewhat. I'd be tempted to at least cut any comic asides that have no relevance to the plot. They're just fat. My main problem with it was that I didn't understand why he signed the form at the end. After he signed he gets that moment of euphoria, but not till after he signed. Why did he sign? In fact, why did he even go to the place? And why was he nervous about going to the place? It's possible I've missed something (I have had a wee drink this afternoon). Also, every line of dialogue should start a new paragraph.