What is the least useful piece of creative writing criticism you've ever received?

I have gotten stuff like "nice", which is good to know, i suppose, but not really all that helpful.

I've had people telling me that facts in my satires were wrong. One person told me that India didn't have a nuclear weapons programme! I had to show him photographs Prime Minister Indira Gandhi visiting the nuclear test site at Pokharan. So I'd say misguided people insisting that the author's wrong about fact X or fact Y are definitely a challenge. Kind regards, Pat My latest killing is: http://www.bookscape.co.uk/short_stories/human_sacrifice.php I write book reviews here: http://www.litarena.com/books/

"That's not a real poem, it doesn't rhyme" is a favourite that keeps cropping up. Having started out writing mostly humorous poems, I was bit riled when I started writing some more serious ones and people complained that they didn't have very good punchlines.

"This isn't as good as that one you wrote with the Owl." I'll never forget that. It showed they'd read other things I'd written, which was nice, but it wasn't really the sort of critique I was hoping for.

Most crushing: "Mmm. Have you ever considered writing other kinds of stuff? Like a shopping list." (I was a newbie in a well established writing group.) Least constructive: "Personally, I hate sentences beginning with 'and'" - complete critique of a three thousand word story, with one sentence beginning with 'and'.

You are quite the good question factory, markbrown, and a great writer as well, by the way. Actually motivating me to sign-on, key this stuff in, etcetry. Here are my top 3. 1). Telling rather than showing. I never understood this one, even when given examples. It's an MFA thing. I thought writing tells stories and theater shows stories. I'm happy to remain thick on this, I think it's a zen koan. 2). This just shows your liberal (or) conservative bias. Both charges have been made on the same pieces. Being a radical moderate, guilty as charged! 3). My fav is - You're not explaining the motivation of these characters. Why do you (or) these people behave like this? None of your business (I actually have no idea). As if portraying shreds of human nature and behavior isn't enough, the writer must explain and heal, etc. Peices that do this are great, but I usually just go for reliable reporting. sometimes insight happens (zing!) wow, how'd that get there?

I have read and re-read this thread trying to think of examples of useless criticism from my experience. In fact I would like to turn it around and say that I don't think I've ever received any useful criticism. This realisation comes as something of a shock; I've written huge amounts of stuff in my life and I know that probably all of it could have been improved, but what guidance have I ever received that has made a difference? Perhaps this is a problem with me, with my ego. Yep, that must be it; I have a "WTF do you know about what I am trying to write?" response. It can't be helpful. On one level I really do want good guidance, on another I obviously have a serious handicap. I did once write a children's story, I even got someone to do some illustrations for it. I sent it to a publisher of books I had enjoyed reading to my children and received no criticism of the writing other than that there are apparently already too many stories about bears in the world.

'there are apparently already too many stories about bears in the world.' Now that's criticism! :-)

www.lorrainemace.com I've just posted a thread asking if we should be giving criticism on this site. From my own pov, it may be hard to take, but if the reader doesn't connect and/or doesn't get what I've written, I see that as a flaw in my writing and want to know the reasons why and how I can improve the piece.

Yes please - give as much criticism as possible - clearly try and make it as constructive as you can but if it's just 'I really enjoyed this ' - then say it!

How many stories about bears is the right number? My latest killing is: http://www.bookscape.co.uk/short_stories/human_sacrifice.php I write book reviews here: http://www.litarena.com/books/

'How many stories about bears is the right number?' A philosophical question that one. :-) I agree with that Kropotkin38 that maybe 'too many stories about bears in the world' doesn't quite cut it as constructive criticism, though, wouldn't you?

It doesn't sound like a criticism of any kind to me, literary or otherwise, more like a strange and somewhat arbitrary declaration. Perhaps there should be fifteen bear stories in the world and twelve about horses. lol Kind regards, Pat My latest killing is: http://www.bookscape.co.uk/short_stories/human_sacrifice.php I write book reviews here: http://www.litarena.com/books/

www.lorrainemace.com No, no, that's far too many. Ten bear stories and eight horse stories is about perfect.

Well of course we're not talking about just any bear you know..... but then that's another story! :-)

"I'd like to see a little more 'heart' in this work."

'Your novel lacks the engaging characters of 'Three Men and A Boat'.'

'The problem is, you're not Nick Hornby.'

"It's good, I suppose. Just not really my thing."

Probably the worst advice I've had came after I sent a song I'd written to a music producer. It was essentially a love song about a guy too nervous to ask the girl out. The producer came back and said he really liked the tune, but could I change the lyrics . . . To "something about the European Union" because "no one's done a song on that subject." Maybe it was just his way of saying eff off. Either way it was naff advice.

I reckon it's a close run thing between: [1] There are just too many stories about bears in the world. [2] 'The problem is, you're not Nick Hornby.' I'm favouring the odds on the bears. But this is an exciting race. My latest killing is: http://www.bookscape.co.uk/short_stories/human_sacrifice.php

"Um, it just sort of ends with no explanation." Yes very much like life I thought.

"write more happy" ...

www.lorrainemace.com "write more happy" ... How on earth can anyone feel that is a useful comment?

"write more happy" ... 'How on earth can anyone feel that is a useful comment?' How on earth can anyone feel qualified to be an editor if "write more happy" is evidence of their grasp of grammar?

Maybe they meant: write more happy My latest killing is: http://www.bookscape.co.uk/short_stories/human_sacrifice.php

Stop trying to write fiction. Stick to what you know best.

Someone once called me a petite enginue or enginue, for deliberately littering my stories with mistakes, and fooling naive lesser mortals!! WTF???? :-oS !!!

A member of a writers group I used to be in once said my writing was too bizarre for anyone who had not studied English at degree level to comprehend, so I should tone it down. The fact that I myself, the author of said piece of complicated fiction, had not studied English at degree level, seemed lost on him. Oh the irony.

Easily -"It feels a bit like a poem where someone has an idea that poetry is the kind of thing to house their observations and ideas but doesn't know the structures of poetry, so can't arrange or develop these disconnected things into an actual poem as a unified whole."

AhAhahhhAAAH :D - that is priceless, Gilbert, and i nominate it for the winner of this thread! (also really really glad and relieved that you had a better example to put here than my last pretty hopeless one to you ;) sorry about that one :( xxldx

Getting grade 5 for my English Lit o-level in 1974.

Any comment from you is always welcome, LD.

I remembered a comment i got a couple years back and, to sum it up (the person had written about half a page on why it was so terrible) the review said, "Your story's too long". The story description included the words, "novel length story", so i found the comment rather amusing.

Nobody's ever criticised me. I'd be grateful if they did, even if they told me I was crap.