I need an opinion...

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Wed, 2003-08-13 09:58

Well, I have an ideas book, and I've recently decided to combine these three ideas into one big one, if that makes any sense at all. I've got the opening paragraph, but I'd really like an unbiased opinion on whether or not I should scrap it and come up with a better one or not. Any comments, help, or anything whatsoever really will be appreciated!

Her gaze filtered onto him. She was watching him intently. His aim was planned, his hands were raised in the manner of hesitation, and concentration was etched across his brow. Her eyes moved, following the movements of his fingers. He raised his finger, pressing the coloured block lightly. The light came on.

It was coming towards her. She could see it, barely, but she could definitely hear it. Everybody could hear it, it was coming towards all of them. It was a roaring sound that seemed to waver in and out, gradually becoming more and more pronounced, and then fading into a low, dull, echo. Now though, it was really becoming louder; it was drawing closer.
She glanced down at the child next to her. She was yawning, her form laying upon the iced pavements, her breathing slow and gentle. The woman sighed, giving one last glance at her daughter, she stepped out. And screamed.
The roaring sound became louder, and then faded away.

She eyed him coldly, ashamed at what he had done. They held eachother's gaze for a moment before she turned and walked away, leaving him. He stared after her, shaking his head.

Thankyou's in advance!

Thu, 2003-08-14 00:41

nitromoose

It sounds very interesting but I'm a bit confused on what's actually going on. Perhaps my thinking cap isn't on tight enough. Can you tell me a bit more about it as I'm a little lost? But in any case I still enjoyed reading it--so if that happened and I didn't understand--you must be onto a good thing lol

Thu, 2003-08-21 19:11

Becky

Hey! Thankyou 'nitromoose' . You weren't actually suppose to understand it. Um, and I would sit here and tell you what it was suppose to mean, or what it was about rather, if I myself, knew. That's precisely the main reason that I've changed my tactics and started again! Thankyou though for commenting and again thankyou for taking the time and trouble to read. Cheers.

Sat, 2003-08-23 10:46

drew

In my opinion you should have an idea of what the whole story is. Writing should be about the story not about the writing. If you concentrate on these tiny incidents you're going to overwrite. The first paragraph is probably the most important one, but go back and do it at the end. Go and pick up some books - look at the first paragraphs. Decide what they are doing and then look at yours. (Style is very important but that is something that takes years to get right.)

Sun, 2003-08-24 14:27

Becky

Thanks for your comments there - all of which I agree with. I had my ideas of the whole story, and had written the backing for it, or at least the ideas, that was just the opening which I realised needed a lot of work. Anyway, thankyou, you're right. I know that. But, I do also think that the actual writing should be involved in the writing - if you get what I mean at all - that it should *all* be about the story? Maybe? Maybe not?

Tue, 2003-08-26 10:33

Pete

I like the idea of starting with a seemingly meaningfull description that can't be immediately decoded (I could't pull it off- a bit jealous).I guess the writing versus story balance will depend on how self-referential you want the work to be and what world view or lack thereof you want to project as the author.Nice writing!Love the anticipation and doubt generated.

Thu, 2003-10-09 22:08

cleveland w. gibson

I am a SF writer exploiting the surreal. I've written stories and produced an audiobook. The point I'm making is I've had the same problems as you have , doubts in your head. I resolved mine by standing the ideas our in the rain, on their head , shaking them loose until something fell out. If you are writing about somebody important in your plot give them a name. If you are writing about "I" then get somebody to call or speak your name. Get fire in your first sentence. Catch my attention. Juxtaposition. Start your story from two thirds in. Look at the James Bond films. The action comes first and then BINGO the explaination. Start to get carried away when you write and the words will come out quicker. Say them as you write. With your three pieces I feel you need a top , a bottom and a thread to pull them all together. Avoid the dream syndrome. I could say more but I'm only just visiting this site. Best wishes

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