Gifts

I once fell asleep in the bath and missed a date...it wasn't you, was it, Wolfie? Anyway, Johnny, I suppose the moral is: You're the most important present she can have. So bring yourself along and bugger everything else - I'm sure she'll be eternally grateful.

Dear Johhny, All this well-meaning advice about gifts, clothes, chocolate, aftershave ad infinitum…will have absolutely no effect on the outcome of your date. I fear that you may belong to a large sub-group of men that are labelled “too nice” or (even worse) “sweet”. Members of this sad fraternity have no chance whatsoever of attracting and retaining the interest of spirited independent women. What you need, my son, is to possess “edge”. “Edge” (it has other names too) is an ethereal quality that has never been adequately defined, it’s all or nothing, you either have it or you don’t. Once you have it you will never be short of the company of gorgeous intelligent women. To acquire it requires dedication, commitment and resilience in the face of extreme hardship. If you can face this, I suggest you follow Gus’s six step programme: 1. Lose your conscience and scruples: these give rise to enormous barriers to completion of the programme. 2. Get out more, leave your mum behind, observe the Phil Mitchells of this world in action in the pubs and clubs of your local town, start drinking heavily, take an extended holiday in Ibiza, start guzzling some class A’s 3. Father at least 3 children by different women (difficult to imagine in your present situation as an ageing virgin living with his mum). 4. Indulge in some international criminal activity to support your life of excess (you will have lost your job by now anyway). I recommend Howard Marks as a role model for this phase. Try to avoid violence (this would not go down too well afterwards) 5. Get sent down for a year or two (fraud and drug smuggling are recommended offences). Use your time banged up to read extensively and hone your intellect. Visit the prison gym regularly to work out and develop that physique (not too musclebound though). 6. Get released. Congratulations, you have made it, you now possess edge and are therefore ready to start dating. You are now able to hold your intended partners spellbound with tales of world travel (that week in a Turkish jail was really something else…). How you have had your heartbroken by evil harridans who denied you access to your offspring. How that situation led to a descent into alcoholism and drug addiction. Your heroic struggle against all odds to get clean. Your ability as a raconteur and encyclopaedic knowledge of literature are awesome: you cannot fail. Let us know how that date went…..

Stereotyping a bit, ain't you, Gus?

johnny i don't care what you bring i will shag you anyway ...

I *know* the edge johnnny. gus is right. all women like a bit of ruff

I *know* bono johhhhhhhnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyy. gus is wrong. women I know don't like life on the edge... in my experience they prefer a good old bono.

i prefer the middle ... what good is the edge?

Bloody hell!! We have attracted the attention of Irelands finest *bowing down: i am not worthy*. Squiffy: the Edge is an extremely good guitarist, I would have him in my combo any day. A man capable of playing rhythym and lead simultaneously. Lads, "until the end of the world" was your greatest recording, you're on my next compilation CD: opening and closing. Cloggy: sorry to offend your sensibilities. You are absolutely right. I am guilty of breaking the sacred "thou shalt not stereotype" commandment. Tongue was firmly embedded in cheek though. Tot Ziens...........

would just like to point out to packy that I am not a throwback. has maggie been elected yet? cum on cum on cum on cum on cum on cum on cum on cum on cum on cum on cum on cum on cum on cum on d'ya wanna be in my band my band my band d'ya wanna be in my band oh yeah repeat ad infinitum knocks three barrels out of the smifs dunnit?

I'm with bono and gus on this one. Henry VIII was a prime exponent of the ruff He treated his wives terribly..... But never lacked a partner...... QED I'm bringing the tardis to the market next week. Would anyone like to buy one and go back to snog Henry?

Dear All Once again thank you for all thae advice concerning my imminent date. Gus I have been out all weekend trying to acquire some 'edge'. I went to a club last night and was offered some 'Charlie'by a very well dressed man just outside the loos. He said that it would cost me £60. Now, My Mum used to wear 'Charlie' when she was growing up and she always seemed to get the attention of young men wherever she went, and she went to these places very often. There always seemed to be a lot of servicemen around which was very strange for Basildon. Anyway do you think I should buy some of this 'Charlie' stuff from this nice chap who seemed to have a cold, his nose was running a lot. I asked him if it was cheaper at 'Boots'. He gave my back an affectionate slap and laughed loudly showing gold teeth when i suggested this. Such a nice man, he had a lot of friends. Please advise me on the 'Charlie' situation. Would a girl like that? Does it smell right? Thank you all once again. Johnny Kenyon

Johhny, I'm really warming to you. At the start of this thread I had my doubts, but you have already made extensive progress down the path of edge acquisition. You have real potential. However, you now face your most difficult test of all which is meeting "charlie". You must make further enquiries about the nature of the "charlie" on offer. If you meet your new-found friends again ask the about the purity of their "charlie". If they say "pure Andes snow, man, recrystallised three times from acetone by the finest jungle chemists of Colombia" then be profusely grateful and purchase some immediately. If they reply "weapons grade" run like hell and immediately phone the FBI. If a strange talking cat-like creature with a fish stuffed in its mouth materialises, mumbling in an incoherent accent apparently offering to help you cross the road: Then I don't know what to advise...... good luck. Gus

Dearest Johnny, love you too.... did you feel a little unusual today and off-colour today? Chas. is a fickle friend, but he has served his purpose well. You have been an outstanding student and have completed the programme in an unprecedented 2 steps You now possess all the edge you will ever require and are ready to go forth and meet your future love. We're all pulling for you now, the date will be an unqualified success... Providing that you heed one last snippet of advice.... When on a date, do not..... ............never ever, ever.... ...... feed the fish....... Gus.

Gus The feeding of fish ins now totally out of the question. I sold me mums tank and her two Guppies, Ant and Dec for Chas. My mate Carter (he of the goldon teeth) are going scoring later for some top grade Bolivian. Which is good because I love coffee. Speak later and do you want to buy my Take That Album. Johhny

well johhny ... an unenviable position you do find yourself in ... it is hard to advise as it depends SO much on the individual in question and her or his tastes ... however ... you can't go wrong with black ... on the other hand why not join the ranks of us saddos who do not go on dates?

Dear Johhny, I hope your friend recovered from this dreadful ordeal and is not afflicted by post traumatic stress disorder. These are weird times we live in. Its a minefield out there. Who knows what gastronomic and aural assaults await the unsuspecting and innocent as they pursue their hormonal urges. If you have to do this then wearing black attire is a good idea - preferably something manufactured from kevlar (inpenetrable to almost anything). Carry earplugs and a sick bag and have your escape planned. If I were you matey, I'd stay at home, make a sandwich, put the kettle on, stick a favourite compilation tape in the deck, put your feet up and enjoy. Gus

Well Johnny, On a first date, a black or maroon blazer, matching tie, crisp white shirt and a pair of plaid slacks will certainly make sure that you never see the young lady in question again. (It is a young "lady" isn't it?)

Dear Karl and Gus Thank you so much for our advice. I will wear black Y-Fronts as well, I might get lucky if the moon is at athe right angle. My mother tells me that chocalate as a gift always works in the seduction process. Mars or Snickers 20% extra size or fun size? I dont want to dazzle her too much. Help Please. Johnny Kenyon

A bulging fat wallet, loaded with cash and cards always works on me!!

i was once given a HUGE decanter in the shape of an oil lantern which played Eidelweiss ... but it wasn't on a first date ... it was a christmas present from my auntie ellen ... so it probably doesn't count ...

Gus Thank you. I bumped into the nice young man with the gold teeth again this afternoon in my local pub 'The Pheonix'. I gave him £60 and in return he gave me a folded rectangle of paper. He siad that it was 'great laughing gear' whatever that means. I took it home and put some of the contents under my arm (only a little bit). I sniffed some to see what it smelt like, did not smell of much to tell you the truth. I am sure though that i have brought the right thing and have all afternoon felt very, very confident of my purchase. As I have just said it dont smell of much but my nose is strangly attracted to it. I have been playing my 'Take That album all afternoon in celebration that I have now indeed have edge. I have been chewing a lot of gum as well which is strange. I am wildly happy. Should I stock up on more of this lovely 'Charlie'? They have not sold it in Boots since 1987 I have been reliably informed. I feel so confident now that my up and coming date will be a surefire sucess and you indeed Gus have played a part. Thank you. God I feel like dancing. I am going to see my gold tooth friend now so I better put my underpants back on. Why have my gums gone numb? Love you Johnny

I suggest you take some musk oils then you can rub her, Johhney.

Huan.... Go Goth in the blackest mood you can find. A bright pink tie of irony will help but forget fine gifts, usually desultory at best. One's wit, charm, personality and charisma will open the way to animated conversation and erudition but don't be beguiled by her oiled smiles. And Huan, whatever you do, don't have sex on the first date.

No sex on the first date? Whyever not?

Oh, some outmoded sense of decorum that I've been seeing the doctor about. The doctor did it for me from the start.

Is is customary to give a gift on a first date? I've never heard of such a thing, except perhaps for flowers or something very innocuous.

Someone gave me a small toy dog once on a first date. The look on my face said it all.

Definitely not a salvo... Maybe a Volvo then she won't even look at what your wearing. And you'll see her again... (next time it needs refuelling!)

i don't think gifts on first dates are customary ... or even wise ... beware particularly of the lovingly crafted compilation tape ... *nods sagely*

Dear all Thank you all for this overwhelming advice. I have indeed gone out this morning and purchased a black crimpaline jumpsuit and some patent black loafers. I have also bought a giant bag of mixed of funsized chocs. I need advice on aftershave. My Dad wears Okd Spice. Please help with the final piece of advice. And Fish. Compilation tapes: would a lady really be impressed with a selection of sticky-back adhesive products? Maybe she will find them pratical in the home, wrapping things etc. Mmm. The more I think about it Fish the more it makes sense. I will pop out to Woolworths this afternoon and buy a selection of gaffer, masking, electrical and selotape. If anyone thinks that I have left anything to chance, please let me know ASAP. Thanks Johhny Kenyon

Hai Karate ? Sure Seventies throwback Stormy can give you some advice on aftershave, and how much chesthair to expose on first date.

Denim.....go for Denim. Aftershave and shirt.... Or Blue Stratos?

If you wear Fahrenheit, Johnny -I'll date you. I can honestly say that I have never received a gift of any description on a first date. I tell a lie, I did receive a copy of The Sex Pistols' Never mind The B******* from my first boyfriend and that impressed me. I do like chocolates but flowers are a tricky one. Red roses say corny, carnations say cheap-went-to-the-garage/Tescos. The gaffer tape etc might excite someone of the er...bondage and slicked back hair persuassion. Just ask if she's into M & S or S & M before you choose. Generally though, your dashing self will be enough to woo. My current man met me on my first date a hour late and told me that had fallen asleep in the bath. He smelt of aftershave and giggly good humour.....I was hooked. Don't fart though. Whatever you do, don't fart.

...or leave yer skiddy underpants lying around...