a love story nearly

http://www.abctales.com/story/my-silent-undoing/a-love-story-nearly

I liked this snippet because it was short and funny, and familiar. Anyone who has ever worked in a shop would recognise it...

I especially liked the line:

"Keeping an eye out for shop-lifters, of course (not knowing what the hell you're supposed to do if you catch one"

because it made me laugh.

I also liked:

"And there are perks to working in this particular establishment: a ten-percent discount on booze, for one; being allowed to smoke inside the shop, for another"

That is very understated, but telling about the narrator's life: how bad does a place have to be for 'being allowed to smoke inside the shop' to qualify as a perk?! I remember working in a roadside restaurant as a griddle chef and thinking that being able to smoke in the kitchen was a real perk when I was getting £3.25 an hour and £1.25 a day in tips.

As well as the humour, with the arrival of the beautiful girl, I almost felt this could go into a film noir detective type story...I can imagine a mystery story coming out of it...but wouldn't want it to go into cliche, which it easily could, because there are enough sparks of interest to make it into a very readable longer piece. I want this girl to be unusual - and not just in a kooky way.