Feed Back Please

I think 'A gift' is quite good. There's lots of good images and ideas in it. You need to use punctuation to tell the reader how you want them to read the poem. This: "Sitting, lying. Winking like a lidless eye Glinting golden Water's child From home in cragged Earth's sweet stone The broken ribs, thrust to light Are mountains cold" is at least two sentences but sentence one could end on 'child' or 'stone'. It could be: "Sitting, lying, winking like a lidless eye glinting golden Water's child. From home in cragged Earth's sweet stone the broken ribs, thrust to light are mountains cold." Or it could be: "Sitting, lying, winking like a lidless eye glinting golden Water's child from home in cragged Earth's sweet stone. The broken ribs, thrust to light are mountains cold." The punctuation you're using at the moment, doesn't choose either of these options which makes it much harder to read. You can use spacing and line breaks to perform the role of punctuation in poetry but normal punctuation is still useful and, if you've got more than one sentence in a verse, essential. My thoughts on punctuation verse 1 apply all through the poem. I'd have the final verse like this: "Coiling snake at water's edge breaking foam spun as silver clothes watching tired flotsam beat on tired stone. And all the while gold sits idle hiding just one wicked smile: a radiant gift of water, fire and earth - a curse in mortal hands" There's some dodgy word order. I'd have 'are cold mountains' rather than 'are mountains cold' because 'are mountains cold' sounds like a question. And I think "In mortal hands a curse" would be better as "a curse in mortal hands". If you don't want to change the word order - you obviously lose the half-rhyme of 'earth' and 'curse' - you do need to put in a comma: "In mortal hands, a curse" This is all technical stuff, though, I think it's a really good poem. I'll try and look at some more later.

I like how just cuz someone asks for feedback, 3 other people immediatly do the same. Your pieces are very nice however.

I thought "The Tree" was very good....really enjoyed that piece...I am not a technical writer...but I know what I like...and I liked what I read! Well done!