The Garden by Juliet OC

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Mon, 2006-06-12 13:48

http://www.abctales.com/story/juliet-oc/the-garden
Despite the rather sombre subject matter I found this a refreshing read - a short story with appeal to 'readers' and not purely fellow 'writers'. As for the piece itself, Juliet - I am sure any one of us who has ever known any of the 'Ashley's' of this world ask ourselves the same question. What gives them a reason to go on living - make them want to get up in the mornings? Your piece, via its two central characters, deals sensitively with the issue but it left me feeling I wanted to know a bit more - especially about Ashley. What did she used to do before she became ill, what were her interests, apart from the home? Also, her partner - what's his name and what does he feel in his darker moments? You briefly mention Ashley's parent's, Lousie and Ron. A little more about their emotional relationship with her husband would also help to bring them more alive. Nevertheless I enjoyed it, if that's the right word. TY SSS

Mon, 2006-06-12 16:21

mykle

http://www.abctales.com/story/juliet-oc/the-garden By the way Juliet: this is the bit which I thought might need speeech marks (since I was posting the link I thought I might as well mention it here) Iâ€™m not brave, she giggles, Iâ€™m fucking terrified, she chuckles, but I have always found life funny, and as yet this bastard disease has not attacked my funny bone. Then softly, her mouth so close to my ear her breath vibrates my eardrum, Youâ€™re braver than me, youâ€™re still hereâ€¦

Mon, 2006-06-12 16:45

tcook

You ask for comments on the characterisation. I managed to associate with the writer but not with Ashley. She just seemed to be already fading - which is very clever and if that's what you intended, then it works. The image at the end of her feet sticking out of the bed as if she is already buried is excellent. But I'm not going to miss her - and I feel as if I should. It's a good piece but please - correct the typos!

Mon, 2006-06-12 17:38

Juliet OC

ty for the crit, have sorted out speech marks and typos, ty Tony for your crit re characterisation. I am working on these characters for some longer work, i am trying to convey the confusion around someone who is dying and i appreciate in this piece Ashley was almost an aside, but i am pleased you associated with the narrator, but i guess i need to do more work on creating a character from anothers perspective that has depth and holds interest - cheers for the help, i will keep working on it. Juliet

Juliet

Mon, 2006-06-12 18:14

fergal

I liked this actually.. here were a lot of images that stood out, and the pace was good. There were rather a lot of typos, nothing which you couldn't check if you put it into a Word document. I liked the idea of it. Having set up a bed for my dad all those years ago near the door and the garden, the situation felt quite real. I would have liked some more of Ashley - either in memory, or in what she actually said. I agree with Tony that she is barely there - a phantom... Even if she was a phantom in life, the narrator would be full of when she wasn't. Maybe. And the last line probably should read ' What will she do this summer? Except die, of course.' Instead of 'dying, of course.' Oh, and I liked handkerchief sized gardens... it was a nice/new image.

Mon, 2006-06-12 18:14

fergal

ah - posted this after yours Juliet...

Mon, 2006-06-12 18:41

fergal

Just read rewrite - nice. Just one noticable change - check for 'she wont want the tea' - needs an apostrophe in there.

Mon, 2006-06-12 19:18

Foster

I found this story very well described, with these descriptions painting the characters involved â€“ maybe this is the â€œshow not tellâ€ approach you often speak of. Anyway, it worked for me. I agree that the way Ashley was depicted, it's like she's already gone, and for me, this was a plus. You pulled it off nicely, intended or not. One thing, I noticed you use the word â€˜normalyâ€™ a few times â€“ I never really liked this word, I mean, what IS normal? Perhaps â€˜usuallyâ€™ is better? Just a suggestion. foster.

Mon, 2006-06-12 19:45

Juliet OC

ty Fergal and foster for your comments - think i've got all the typos i can see now, and the last line is much better, made perfect sense when you suggested it. As for the word normally - i know what you mean, i will have another look at it, i really appreciate the constructive crits and as i have said, this for me was really about creating believable characters that engage the reader, and though i didnt acheive that with Ashley, i feel like i am beginning to progress a little further. Juliet

Juliet

Mon, 2006-06-12 22:27

#10

Silver Spun Sand

Sorry about the link Mykle. I did actuallly post the link. Not sure why it didn't work. I copied and pasted it as normal. Can you enlighten me please? Ty SSS

Mon, 2006-06-12 23:01

#11

mykle

Heigh Ho. Best advice I can give you is to use 'Preview' when you are including a link. If the link does not turn red in the preview then it will not work if you post it. Try adding a blank line before or after the link to seperate it from other text.. Experiment until the link works and you have a layout you can live with :O)

Tue, 2006-06-13 00:14

#12

Silver Spun Sand

Thanks a million Mykle - I thought, in hindsight, it might have been the blank line that I omitted but the preview tip is a good one. Thank you ever so. You live and learn, hopefully. SSS

Wed, 2006-06-14 21:50

#13

Yutka

I was intrigued and touched by this story, the relationship between Ashley and the narrator gives such an in-depth explanation of the persons they both are. One wants to know more about them, their past, Ashley's parents, that illness... Curiosity has never killed the cat. Mine is just growing. About Mykle's suggestion of "speech marks": I have recently read a book, a bestseller worldwide and translated into 21 languages(!) by an Israeli author: Zeruya Shalev: Husband and Wife, where she does not use any speech marks all through the book. Interesting to see and I believe , it could mark a new trend...

Fri, 2006-06-16 14:43

#14

Juliet OC

Yutka thank you for your comments, the questions you ask about the characters are exactly the ones i hoped. 'The hospital' is another piece that is about Ashley, it is on recently added. I am building up some stories about these characters, then i willl decide how i want to use them. As for your point about speechmarks, i didn't use them because the speech was 'reported' but i was inconsistent because i had used them at the beginning of the piece, which is what Mykle kindly pointed out. I like the idea of not using them, and will experiment thanks for the info. uliet

Juliet

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