Comments and Feedback
Mon, 2007-02-19 21:31
#1
Comments and Feedback
I do not mean to be rude or grredy, but i am wondering if i could get any feedback and concrit on my work. I have had one very helpful comment, but nothing else, and would like a little more so that i know where i am going wrong, and what needs improving, or if what i write is utter rubbish.
http://www.abctales.com/user/jacobea
Thanks!
http://www.abctales.com/story/jacobea/l216
I had a read of the above piece. I'm guessing that you are a sixth former yourself... if so and before I launch crit, I would like to say, this poem is far better than any of the angst ridden reams (bent and buckled into tortured rhyming couplets) I wrote when I was in the sixth form!
Overall, I couldn't see what the poem was about other than a very straightforward description of waiting for your lesson, the classroom, teacher and what to expect in the lesson. Perhaps you could take several examples of 17th century history and use it to make a point about history repeating itself as it does in your lessons.
We have cover again, as Basit is absent -stating the obvious you can loose the second half of this line
The next two lines are rather wordy, try-
twenty minutes early, I'm alone in the room
The next stanza is a rather dull and again, too wordy description. eg 'On the walls there are posters' where else would you put posters?I quite like the idea of saying it's cluttered with missing chairs. Its a bit nonsensical but makes one think.
It is white, cluttered with tables
and missing chairs, but not today.
Cards hang from the ceiling
Nazis, Hitler
like a nursery mobile
for the 20th century
These are just suggestions, keep redrafting, revising.
Thanks for the advice-it was just the sort i have been after on my work!