Patrick Allard - bite-bullet

Well... if nothing else, Patrick, you have the rare privilege of having two forum topics based on the same story! http://www.abctales.com/forum/2007/07/29/bite-bullet-patrick-allard I noticed the typos, but guessed they were probably down to the fact that you'd knocked the story out so quickly. If you type fast, like I do, sometimes those things just go under the radar. I felt quite close to the main character - but I'm a sucker for sardonic types who aren't always conventionally sympathetic. I didn't find him wishy-washy for the same reason. A good snapshot of a discontented 30-something's life, as Lisa says. I'd like to see more of the character.

That's alright, Lisa. Your post said more than mine did, and is probably more useful. I'm not the best critic.

Oops!

Thanks for the comments. I know the typos are a real problem and need to be ironed out before posting.

Can I just ask is that you didn't know enough about the main character that you felt (sort of) cut off from him? Do you think more details about him would help?

I really enjoyed this. I don't think that the main character needs any more explanation - I associated with him from the off - it's the comment about the Tory car that puts him exactly in place. The typos are annoying but they're easy to fix. The ending is terrific.

Another female view: Firstly this was excellently observed and i didn't feel distanced by the character. In fact i could have been in that car, it reminds me of my husband when we first started going out. the dialogue is very natural and the tension, his need to stop being so nice, to reassert his masculinity builds really well. He strikes me as a child who is tired and grumpy (haven't we all behaved like that at times.) However technically it does need a tidy - Tenses struck me as the most problematic. It switches from past to present - maybe this would be easier to write in the present tense, so thoughts and dialogue and actions can interweave better. this scene is nearly all present tense - speech tags are 'say' rather than 'said' If you’re not size 8 or under they don’t have it. Who do they think I am Kate Moss?” She says. “Don’t be silly you’re nowhere near a thin as Kate Moss.” I say. “Thanks Paul!” She says using lazy sarcasm. Her parents (laughed.)*this should be laugh* ‘Great’, I think (to myself,) *don't need* not only am I the golden boy of the weekend now I’m funny too. I wonder what I have to do to be disliked by this family. Again there are a mixes of tenses here - to make it present all speech tags need to be present. “I hate driving in conditions like this, I can’t see anything, Is alright if I take it slow?” She says not really asking for permission. She (was)*is* hunched forward over the wheel squinting at the road ahead. “It’s the spray,” Her mother (added) *adds* helpfully from the back seat. “Yeah.” She (agreed.)*agrees* i hope this helps for the tidy up, but well deserved cherry. Juliet