I think it's wonderful as it is, a micro story with poetic sensibility, or something. I love the simplicity of the writing and the ending is a joy. Great stuff.
I really like it as a poem, I think. It has to be fairly brief to work - what's so funny is the choice of details that suggest a much larger story. My only suggestion would be providing us with a glimpse beyond the punchline - is she pleased, does she turn the poet down? WHAT?! I NEED TO KNOW!!
I just had to read this again, hadn't expected it to get a big response. I normally spell poems out too much for the reader so am quite pleased there's a sense of wanting more. Tim, if you want to know what happens next, roll a dice or something. 1,3 and 5 can be a happy ending, 2 and 4 brutal rejection, 6 death. Let me know what happens.
I loved this and I think that the beauty of it is the thrill of not knowing what her response is.
I also reallyy lliked the fact that I was really absorbed by such a short piece.
Like it just as it is.
Span
Purplehaze
Purplehaze