Hi! I'm new and would like feedback.

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Hi! I'm new and would like feedback.

Hi everyone, I'm new to ABC tales and new to writing as well. I've done one very short piece so far, and you can find it here:

http://www.abctales.com/node/545839

I'd really appreciate any feedback you guys have, as I'm looking to improve myself as a writer. English was never my best subject at school so you'll have to forgive the poor grammar, but it will improve with time, I'm sure.

Anyway, this site is great and I really enjoy reading other people's stories. It's really nice to read some varied original work without having to grind through a novel. Anyway, please read my short story and tell me what you think.

Thanks in advance,
Tim

Hi Tim, First, I want to say that I am a newbie, not one of the experts! But I want to repeat something that I was told when I asked for advice. Try to use speech, not describe them talking, makes more of an impact. Other than that, nice idea, good twist at the end, snuck up on me! Good luck with the writing, keep reading, especially the cherries. Look at what you like to read, and find out how to work that into your own stuff. Lisa
I didn't do very well in english at school either, so I'm probably not the ideal person to do this. In terms of grammer I didn't really spot anything wrong apart from the tense wandering from past to present a bit, although you used a semicolon which is probably wrong, since 90% of them always are, but I'm not qualified to judge. (Kurt Vonnegut said the semilcon was a hermaphrodite transvestite punctuation mark whose only purpose is to show that the writer went to college. I tend to agree with him) You also used a lot of very short sentences, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but the writing never really flowed, if you get what I mean. In terms of the story there is a tendency to show and not tell. Lines like "What had they done to deserve this?" and "...as if it were enjoying his suffering" can be exorcised completely, the reader should be able to work that sort of thing out by themselves. A little more descriptive writing wounldn't go amiss, when you mention tribesmen I pictures something out of the stoneage, when I got to Peter the tribesman I was completely confused (I'd actually call all them after colours, not just Red). I also wanted to know what the beast looked like. And I think you tell too much too early. Don't let the reader know what's coming, what's blocking out the sun. It should build up steadily to the carnage at the end. Good horror just keeps raking it on bit by bit till it is overwhelming. I liked the end, it made me laugh, but there are about five lines of pointless dialogue when one would have done. Something like: "Hey," she said, "you've eaten all the jellybabies" Hope that wasn't too harsh, Dan

 

Hi Tim, Welcome! I was just about to give you feedback before I clicked the refresh button (something you will find needs doing alot on here) and found that Dan had just about said everything I was going to. So, all I can say is keep writing and posting, and try to take comments on board as you will usually find something useful in what someone else can see. A.
Thankyou for the advice. Dan- you were not too harsh, so don't worry, any advice I can get at this point is all good. Like I said, i've never really done any writing, so I'm not expecting to get it right first time. I think I'll re-work the story a bit taking your ideas on board. Anyway, people can feel free to keep posting here, as the more views the better. Thanks again!

 

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