SPAGS R' US IS OPEN

Where's the beef?! I can't eat anything else!

Beef stew on the way, Beef like

...must be the shrooms, andrea...

How about Andrea's Liver Salts for afters? (deeply offended at being excluded from menu. What sort of joint is this, anyway?)

Cheers for that darlin'. I'll let the guv know. He tells me you are dutch! Nice!

Slight change to the menu. We got Andrea's Edam and Liver salts. We might go as far as to make people were clogs. Have to talk to my board about that.

*wanders in wearing shades and lippy for a look over the place*

Spaghetti Fungi...

*notices ivy looking lippy* *leaves quickly to avoid confrontation*

Welcome Ivory. Just one thing. That Audrey Hepburn look is distracting our chef. Anyway welcome to this debonair and quaint establishment

debonair you say? ... isn't that a budget airline? ... *peers at red checked tablecloths*

Yes my dear we run an airline to finance this little place. Shouldn't that be the other way round? As you can see from the tablecoths we are an upmarket place.

and these raffia covered chianti bottles with candlewax dripped artfully down them ...

Sorry about all this Miss. Fishbone. We have had the builders round and you know what kind of mess they leave. Damn cheap builders. They are called Constructional Cowboys. Very good people. We have a special candles. Would you like one? I am sure Lord Alfred will be along in a minute to take your order.

oh ..... *airily* ... i shan't be ordering anything ... i will have to go straight back to that palace of taste The Elf & Unicorn and have something involving goat's cheese and ciabatta ... hope my bouncer's up for it ...

Fine! Go out then. Go back to your weird hippy types. Hang on. You run that place. Go back to where you came from. Bleedin' time wasters!

chill cheffy dear ... did i actually say i was going to EAT it?

No you didn't. Don't mind the chef. He is from Newcastle and we all know they have no class (LOL). You didn't say you were gonna eat anything. It is your decision. Actually while you are here. I was thinking of advertising in The Elf and Unicorn. What would you say to that? You can advertise here as well. I am a marketing genius.

oh dear me no ... the Elf does not accept advertising ... far too common ... and as for needing any ... well ...

Looks like I'll have try to get into talks with Cousin Hilda then . Not many people know about your little wine bar. I might have to see why you toffs like it. Watch out Taj here I come

*walks in with the manner of someone who thinks he knows what he wants* Hmm... *looks at tablecloths* Do you have a vegan option?

vegan? Is that some sort of joke? We have Pecan Ice cream

Barry walks in and waves. Spag's marketing manager nods and tells Barry he's not on the menu. "Barry who?" he asks.

*ambles in, hands in pockets, whistling* *looks round: doesn't see Christelle* *leaves, still hungry, heading for the local bar*

oh martin ... you don't get a vegan option here ... come along to the Elf & Unicorn ...taj will throw you a rice cake and some hummus ... they have one of those emotional northern chef types here ... it's all meat meat and more meat ...

Rice cake sounds a trifle dull, Fish. Perhaps you could knock up a tasty tempura and metarnorphose the rice cake into a nice, poky bucket of sake (with an accent).

your wish as ever is my command andrea ... as i am NetFairy with my magic wand ...

Damn woman. Stealing all the customers. I'll make you some tofu sandwiches. Now doesn't that sound nice. Where to find quorn food? Damn it was tofu. Better consult me Linda MaCartney boooooks like.