Tongue in Cheek

Somebody does not know what tongue in cheek means . Not unless they are double bluffing me . Though a joke about sexual technigue would be the obvious reply . As for Clive James , he's a mate and we do really go down the pub and play dominoes . Sometimes if he's short of a partner for salsa then I am the woman for him . And bloody good too . Don't tell anybody but sometimes he plays the woman and I'm the man , he looks so good in a dress and his legs go right up to his armpits .

Well that's enough of the serious stuff , now for more of my tongue in cheek novel , I can hear the applause already . No I'll give you some of my play instead .

but remember the novel is called The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker

http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey is the place to go

Michael Gerard Casey 10 Reginald Rd Bearwood Warley B67 5AQ 0121 429 8576

Shoplife

by

Michael Casey

Opening Scene

Two women are standing outside Blair's store.They are
talking while their children pull faces at one another, each woman
also has pushchair.Behind them is Blair's store , it is three
shops knocked into one.The letter "B" from the sign is leaning
back at an angle , the "S" from the word "store" is missing , just
a stain remains forming an "S".

We hear the women talk.

Mrs Adams:Yes they are in trouble you know.The shop over Kingsford
way closed last week .That's three in as many months.
Mrs West:I didn't know that.

WITHOUT BREAKING OFF FROM HER CONVERSATION MRS WEST

SLAPS ONE OF HER CHILDREN WHO IS SPITTING AT A SPIDER.

Mrs West:That's really terrible , I remember my mother and me
having a look around when it opened, we used to live
over that way then.
Mrs Adams:Well its closed now.

THEY BOTH TUT TUT AND DRAG ON THEIR CIGARETTES ,

COUGHING OVER THEIR PUSHCHAIRS.MRS ADAMS THEN SLAPS ONE OF HER

CHILDREN , WHO HAS TAKEN UP THE SPIDER SPITTING

Mrs West:It's broken old Mr Blair's heart.This shop isn't safe
either.

THEY BOTH TURN AND LOOK AT THE SHOP , SHAKING THEIR

HEADS.TURNING BACK THEY SIMULTANEOUSLY SLAP THEIR KIDS.

WHO HAVE BEEN DOING MORE SPIDER SPITTING

Kids:We haven't done anything!.
Mrs Adams:Well it'll do for another time.
Kids:That's not fair!
Mrs West:It's what your gran said to us when WE were young

MRS ADAMS AND MRS WEST LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER THEN BURST

OUT LAUGHING.BEHIND THEM AN OLD MERCEDES PULLS UP.AN

OLD MAN GETS OUT HELPED BY A MAN IN HIS EARLY FOURTIES.

THE YOUNGER MAN HAS WHITE HAIR.THE WOMAN SPOT THEM

Mrs West:Thats old Mr Blair and his son.

THE WOMEN WAVE AND SHOUT "HELLO MR BLAIR , YOU ALRIGHT"

OLD MR BLAIR WAVES BACK AND THEN WALKS STIFFLY INSIDE

THE SHOP.HIS SON PAUL JUST DASHES IN.

Mrs Adams:I've always liked old Mr Blair , he always has time for
you even if its only just a wave.That Paul is always in
a hurry , he just wants his way straight away.
Mrs West:He is under a lot of pressure you know , I mean he's
trying to save the business.Didn't I tell you that the
big warehouse of theirs is up for sale.My Ron is looking
for a lock up place to run a garage from and he saw an
ad for their warehouse.
Mrs Adams:The things you learn just by reading the papers.
Mrs West:I know why you really don't like Paul Blair.
Mrs Adams:What's that then.
Mrs West:He tried to take advantage of you in a storeroom
once,when you worked for him,you told me the one night
when we were out celebrating a big win at bingo.That's
the night you conceived Jane.The night of the bingo
celebrations , not with Paul I mean.

SHE POINTS TO THE CHILD IN THE PUSH CHAIR , AS SHE

TALKS .BOTH WOMAN LAUGH.

Mrs Adams:We were both young and free then.
Kids:What does conceive mean, mummy?
Mrs Adams:Never you mind we must be off home now.

AS THE WOMAN PART MRS WEST SPITS AND SCORES A BULLS EYE

ON THE SPIDER

THE SCENE CHANGES TO INSIDE THE STORE.OLD MR BLAIR IS

TALKING TO ONE OF THE CHECKOUT WOMEN

Mr Blair:Yes things do look black Bernadette.
(Snr)

HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AS HE SAYS THIS , BERNADETTE

SERVES A WOMAN , BERNADETTE IS PAINFULLY POLITE , SHE REALLY

MEANS IT WHEN SHE SAYS "THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT BLAIRS"

SHE TURNS TO SPEAK TO HIM

Bernadette:Don't upset yourself Mr Blair , everything will be
ok , Paul is doing his best.

OVER HER SHOULDER AT THE BACK OF THE SHOP WE SEE

PAUL TALKING TO TONY THE SHOP MANAGER

Mr Blair:I just feel so old and useless , to think it all
started here 50 years ago .Just me and my wife
Lilly.

HE LOOKS AROUND THE STORE AND SIGHS

Mr Blair:In this very store , we worked night and day , then
when trade picked up we bought the one shop next door
then the shop on the other side.It was Lilly who
thought of knocking the walls through.Then we got a
shop in Quingleton and did the same thing.Buy the
shops on either side and turn it into a larger
shop.
Bernadette:Yes ,Mr Blair.
Mr Blair:It was revolutionary in them days , there were no
Indians doing it left right and center.

HE GAZES OUT THE WINDOW , BERNADETTE FOLLOWS HIS

GAZE AND SEES THE INDIAN OPPOSITE TALKING TO

WORKMEN , WHO ARE KNOCKING TWO SHOPS INTO ONE

Mr Blair:I don't hold it against them , they're just doing
the same as I did.

HE SIGHS

Mr Blair:It's just that they seem to have much more energy
than me and Paul.I suppose it would have been
different if I had lots of children to work for
me.
Bernadette:Yes , youv'e only got Paul haven't you.
Mr Blair:Just Paul , Lilly says I worked too hard , we never
have any more.I just wish we did, things would be so
much easier.
Bernadette:Of course.

BERNADETTE TAKES MR BLAIR'S HAND TO COMFORT HIM

Mr Blair:I know one thing anyway , if I ever had a daughter
I'd have loved her to be like you , just like you.
Bernadette:You're making me blush.

MR BLAIR KISSES HER HAND

Mr Blair:I really mean that.

OVER BERNADETTES SHOULDER PAUL IS STILL TALKING TO

TONY.WE MOVE ON TO THEIR CONVERSATION

Paul:I've done my best but I'm afraid its time these were handed
out

HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND BRINGS OUT SEVERAL

ENVELOPES

Tony:I thought this would happen for some time.We all did in fact.
Paul:I'm afraid its the best I can do.It's official notification
of closure.In three months it'll be all over.
Tony:It'll be like splitting up a family.I've been here since I
was sixteen.
Paul:You're still young , at 28 I think you'll find a job.
Tony:I'm not worried about that ,besides I've passed my "A"
Levels at night school.It's the girls I worry for.Especially
Bernadette, you know her sons handicapped and she needs the
money from here to buy the extras you always need with a
handicapped child.
Paul:I know , in fact I've done something already.

HE REACHES INSIDE HIS JACKET AND BRINGS OUT ANOTHER

ENVELOPE, ITS A DIFFERENT COLOUR.HE HANDS IT TO TONY

Paul:This is a reference from me and one from my father.Dad was
the chairman of the traders association a few years ago ,so
it should help.Of course you will write a good one as well.
Tony:Of course , and it'll all be true , Bernadette is a "Born
Again Shop Worker".

THEY BOTH SMILE AND LOOK BACK AT BERNADETTE WHO IS DOING HER

EVER SO POLITE STUFF, ALL PLEASE AND THANKYOUS

Paul:If Bill should turn up can you tell him to take the stuff
back to the warehouse.There's no need to keep the shop topped up
any more.
Tony:As bad as that.
Paul:Worse.If its not the Indians it's the bloody super stores all
strangling us for trade.If dad had let me sell this place to
start with then the whole lot could have been saved.But oh
no , we had to keep it for sentimental reasons.If I sold it
before the area went down the drain then with the œ150,000
in cash I could have moved to a better site or even started
a superstore with our own.I wanted to sell half the shops
and have a giant one but dad said no.

HE SIGHS THEN LOOKS BACK AT HIS FATHER STILL TALKING TO

BERNADETTE ABOUT THE OLD DAYS.

Paul:We won't be poor though , we may go into the property
business in Spain.
Tony:At least you'll have the sun and the girls in bikinis over
there.
0Paul:Talking about girls , have you asked Susan out yet?
Tony:Er , er , well , I mean.
Paul:So you haven't.
Tony:Er , er , well she's always going out with people and she's
only 22.
Paul:That's just the right age.
Tony:But she is a bit too , er , er.
Paul:She probably is.

PAUL LAUGHS HARD , IT HELPS HIM FORGET HIM OTHER

PROBLEMS.TONY SQUIRMS.FROM BEHIND THE TINS OF PEAS A GIRL,

A VERY BUSTY GIRL WITH A SMOULDERING SMILE LOOKS TO SEE

WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Tony:She must have heard you.
Paul:Shall I ask her for a date for you.
Tony:No No. (HE HISSES THIS AND LOOKS DOWN)

SUSAN LOOKS OVER AGAIN , SHE FIXES HER GAZE ON TONY ,HE

SMILES , SUSAN GIVES A LITTLE WAVE AND TONY BLUSHES.

Paul:I better be off , I've a buyer fixed for the warehouse at
noon.What's that smell by the way?
Tony:Ben is making soup again , it smells great, he's always asking
me to try it.
Paul:I don't like Chinese food myself.Anyway I better be off.
Tony:Bye.
Paul:Yes it will be.

PAUL WALKS AWAY , WE SEE HIM AND HIS FATHER TAKE THEIR

LEAVE.WITH BERNADETTE BEING KISSED GOODBYE BY OLD MR BLAIR.

SUSAN GOES OVER TO PAUL AND ASKES POUTINGLY.

Susan:Did you want anything?

(SHE IS VERY SUGGESTIVE)

Tony:NO. (HE CROAKS IT OUT)
Susan:I'll be behind the peas if you do.

SHE WALKS AWAY TONY BITES HIS LIP AND SHE MURMURS TO

HERSELF "I WISH HE'D HURRY UP AND ASK ME OUT , HE'S THE

ONLY REAL GENTELMAN I'VE EVER MET"

TONY CLEARS HIS THROAT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD TO CLEAR IT ,

THEN HE GOES INTO THE STORE ROOM .IN THE STOREROOM IS

BEN THE CHINESE STOREMAN AND BUTCHER

Tony:Can I have a cup of tea Ben.
Ben:Indian ,Ceylon , China or PG tips.
Tony:Whatever's in the pot will do.
Ben:PG tips , my favourite.
Tony:That'll do nicely.
Ben:You want biscuit.I have custard creams.
Tony:Oh that'd be good.
Ben:You want to try my soup?
Tony:Ok , just a bit.
Ben:Here you are then.

BEN PASSES A LADEL WITH SOUP IN IT TO TONY , WHO SIPS
IT.

Tony:Not bad.
Ben:Old recipe of Grandmother.
Tony:Nice.
Ben:You want more?

HE APPROACHES WITH THE LADEL

Tony:Not just now , Ben.

TONY SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE , WHICH IS COVERED IN

NEWSPAPERS , OR RATHER WITH THE "HOROSCOPE" PAGES OF THE PAPERS

Tony:What do these say then. (HE WAVES HIS HAND AT THEM)
Ben:Not very good day for one star , bad news indeed.

BEN PASSES TONY HIS TEA.

Tony:I know I shouldn't ask but which one is it?
Ben:Virgo.
Tony:What month is that ?
Ben:End August and most of September.When you born , I tell you
your future.
Tony:You just have.
Ben:You Virgo , I always thought you were a Cancer , you move
like man with crabs.
Tony:Pardon.
Ben:You move like crab and you very secretive.
Tony:Oh.
Ben:I read you your future.
Tony:You may as well.

BEN CLEARS HIS THROAT AND HAS A SIP OF TEA THEN CLEARS HIS

THROAT AGAIN BEFORE HAVING ANOTHER SIP OF TEA AND CLEARING HIS

THROAT AGAIN BEFORE FINALLY STARTING

Ben:A time of uncertainty in your career.

TONY GROANS

Ben:However don't be unhappy as a new beginning is just around
the corner.In your romantic thirteenth house an unusual
frosty encounter could mean the beginning of a life long relationship
Tony:I'll fall in love with the woman at the dole office no doubt.
Ben:These never lie , they very good.
Tony:What do the others say?
Ben:They say the same but in different way.
Tony:A completly differnt way no doubt.
Ben:How you know , you read my papers already.

BEN LOOKS ACCUSINGLY AT TONY

Tony:An inspired guess.
Ben:It also say for Virgo that you or a friend will win a
fortune.
Tony:I'll ring my stock broker immediately .
Ben:You no take the china tea.
Tony:Of course not , of course not.
Ben:Why you come in my storeroom anyhow?
Tony:I need to have a calming drink of tea before I give out
these.

TONY TAKES OUT THE ENVELOPES AND GIVES BEN ONE

Ben:It not my birthday for another week.
Tony:It's the sack.Or rather the sack in 3 months time.
Ben:Your fortune was right then.
Tony:Yes, for all of us.
Ben:You my family here , I miss you when sack comes.
Tony:I'm sorry .I better go and tell the Girls now.If you have any
questions just ask.

TONY SLOWLY AND SADLY GETS UP AND IS AT THE DOOR WHEN BEN

ASKS

Ben:Is it called sack because you put all your things in a sack
when you leave?
Tony:Yes Ben.

TONY TAKES A DEEP BREATH BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR FROM THE

STOREROOM TO THE SHOP.HE WALKS TO THE FRONT BY THE CASH DESKS

HE CLAPS HIS HANDS,GERTIE THE FAT SUPERVISOR LOOKS UP.

Gertie:What do you want?.
Tony:Get the girls to gather around.

AS THEY GATHER AROUNG TONY TAKES THE ENVELOPES FROM HIS

POCKET

Gertie:He's going to do a conjuring trick.

THE GIRLS ALL LAUGH

Tony:I wish I was.
Gertie:What is it then.

WE LOOK AT THE GIRLS FACES ONE BY ONE , ALL TENSE

Tony:Mr Blair was here this morning , he left these.

HE HOLDS UP THE ENVELOPES LIKE CHAMERLAIN DID

Jenny:What are they.
Gertie:It's the sack.

A GASP FROM THE GIRLS

Tony:Notice of closure to be exact.
Gertie:But still the sack.
Tony:We still have 3 months.
Bernadette:Yes , the sack.What am I going to do , I need this job ,
well any job, to buy things for my son.
Gertie:Yes , what about Bernadette?
Tony:I have a personal refernece from Mr Blair Snr and one from
Paul , I will of course write one myself ,so I'm sure
she'll get fixed up .
Bernadette:Do you think I'll get another job?
Tony:Of course you will , all of you will.You'll all get good
references.
Gertie:Well if that's the case we may as well be happy till the
end ,besides being sad gives you wrinkles ,I don't want to
ruin my looks with them.

TONY LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN AND LAUGHS , GERTIE MUST BE

17 STONES AT LEAST. EVERYBODY LAUGHS.

Tony:We'll all remember you Gertie , always.Oh Jenny can you
tell Ben to tell Bill to take the lorry back to the
warehouse, no need to fill the storeroom up any more.
Jenny:Yes,I'll do that.

JENNY HEADS fOR THE STORE ROOM

Gertie:I'm not doing to forgive you for doubting my beauty.
Tony:So what are you going to do about it?
Lorraine:Let's get his trousers off.
June:Yes lets do that ,I've always said he had a nice bum , lets
have a look
Bernadette:I think that would be a bit much.

BERNADETTE FRETS LIKE MAVIS FROM CORONATION STREET AS GERTIE

LORRAINE AND JUNE EDGE TOWARDS TONY , OTHER GIRLS LOOK ON

Tony:Come on Gertie , ladies, it was only a joke ,I mean you all laughed
not just me.
June:I still want to see your bum , it's our last chance.

TONY EDGES AWAY , HE LOOKS SUSAN IN THE EYE HOPING FOR SYMPATHY

SHE JUST SMILES .TONY SMILES BACK , A SPARK HAS GONE BETWEEN THEM

THE GIRLS MISTAKE THIS AS A COME ON SIGN , A GESTURE OF DEFIANCE

Gertie:See, he's smiling , he wants us to have his trousers off , see him
smile he's a teaser.Come on girls.
Tony:Cann't we talk , this is silly.
Gertie:We know it is , but we still want to see you in your Y fronts.
June:What can he do, sack us?
Lorraine:Yes , it doesn't matter now.

TONY STARTS TO WALK BRISKLY AWAY , THE GIRLS FOLLOW , TONY BREAKS

INTO A RUN THE GIRLS FOLLOW.UP AND DOWN THE ISLES THEY GO , WITH

THE TINS OF PEAS AND BEANS GOING EVEYWHERE.THE GIRLS TRAIL BEHIND

GERTIE CANNOT KEEP UP SO SHE STOPS .TONY INCREASES THE GAP BETWEEN

HIMSELF AND THE GIRLS , HE LOOKS BACK AS HE RUNS , HE SMILES ,HE

THEN RUNS INTO GERTIE.SHE GRAPLES HIM TO THE GROUND

Gertie:Come on get his trousers off.
Tony:Help , help , Ben , Susan , anybody help.

HIS TROUSERS COME OFF, HIS Y FRONTS SLIP , TO REVEAL HIS BARE BUM

TONY HURRIEDLY PULL THEM BACK UP

June:That's a nice bum , as good as my second husband's bum.
Lorraine:Much better than any of those in the "Sun".
Tony:The cheek of you lot and call yourself Ladies.
Gertie:It's all your cheek.

THE GIRLS ALL COLLAPSE IN LAUGHTER AS TONY HURRIES AWAY TRYING

TO LOOK DIGNIFIED WITH HIS CLIPBOARD STILL IN ONE HAND , HE

HEADS FOR THE STOREROOM , BEN IS LOOKING OUT STANDING IN THE

DOORWAY

Ben:Why you no wearing trousers boss?
Tony:You tell me , you are the prophet after all .

THE GIRLS WATCH THE "BOTBEN" DISAPPEAR , FRAMING IT FOR PHOTOS

WITH THEIR HANDS AND LAUGHING LOUDLY.

Susan:Shall I give him his trousers back?
Gertie:Not now , let him wait , it'll do him good.
June:Did you hear him ask Susan for help , their must be a reason for
that.
Lorraine:And the look he gave her.Perhaps there's been something going on
that we don't know about.
June:Come on tell us .
Susan:Don't be ridiculous.

SHE REACHES FOR THE TROUSERS IN GERTIE'S HAND

Gertie:Here are then you can have the trousers , but don't give them back
for a little while then.

SUSAN TAKES THEM AND HEADS BACK FOR THE TINS OF PEAS.

Susan:I'll tidy up a bit then.
June:Crawler.

WHEN SHE'S OUT OF EARSHOT THE GIRLS TALK ABOUT HER

Lorraine:The look he gave her was a secret look if ever I sawe one.
June:I bet he's on her list
Gertie:A very long list that must be.

THEY ALL LOOK AT HER HEADING DOWN THE ISLES

Lorraine:I think she's a bit of a slag .
Bernadette:That's not a nice thing to say
June:I bet its true though
Gertie:She is a bit bow legged.

THEY WINK AT EACH OTHER

(Fade Out)

WE SEE TONY AND BEN fINISHING TEA

Tony:They'll kill me before they finish , so they will.
Ben:But why you have no trousers.
Tony:The Girls are ioroning them for me.
Ben:Really (HE LOOKS SURPRISES AND BELIEVING)
Tony:Did Jenny give you a message for Bill.
Ben:She say she give it to Bill herself.
Tony:No doubt she will , no doubt she will.
Ben:She like Bill very much.It always funny to me that she help Bill
every time he come.Even when one one box of cornflakes delivbered.
Tony:And they take such a long time.
Ben:Yes you right , me say that now , only you say first.
Tony:Well Bill has been hit too , this is his last port of call,and Jenny
his last girl.A girl in every port was Bill , it was a wonder he had
the strength to do any work.Ten shops we had , ten.
Ben:What mean girl in evry port , me no understand.

TONY SMILES AND CHUCKLES BEFORE ANSWERING

Tony:Bill had a girl to help him in every shop , and we had ten shops.
Ben:He take long time at other shops too.
Tony:I'd imagine so , I'd imagine so.

OUTSIDE A LARGE LORRY WITH A GOODS LIFT AT THE BACK.THE DOORS OPEN

A SMALL BALDING MAN WITH MEXICAN MOUSTACHE AND ONE EARRING OPENS

THE DOORS AND GIVES JENNY A LINGERING KISS , JENNY HAS ONE PACKET

OF CORNFLAKES IN HER HAND AS THE LIFT GOES DOWN THEY KISS , BILL

IS LEFT STANDING AT THE BACK OF THE LORRY SHE IS AT GROUND LEVEL.

SHE WALKS AWAY AND STOPS AND WAVES , SHE IS DOING UP HER UNIFORM

BUTTONS.IN HER HAND IS ONE BOX OF FARLEY'S RUSKS , BILL SHOUTS AFTER

HER

Bill:Don't forget your hanky.

AS JENNY TURNS A PAIR OF UNDIES HITS HER IN THE FACE , SHE BLUSHES

AS SHE PUTS HER IN HER POCKET.BEN IS WATCHING FROM LOADING BAY

BACK IN THE STOREROOM SUSAN COMES IN AND HAND TONY HIS TROUSERS

Susan:Here you are , it was not my idea you know
Tony:Well so long as it doesn't happen again.

THEY EXCHANGE GLANCES THEY BOTH OPEN THEIR MOUTHS TO SPEAK BUT DON'T

SUSAN GOES AWAY . BEN COMES BACK INTO THE STOREROOM FROM THE LOADING

HE IS SCRATCHING HIS HEAD

Ben:I see Bill giving Jenny a hanky , she must have cold .Why it take so
long for them to unload , when its only one box of cerial?
Tony:Bill has to be careful with his back

BEN RAISES HIS EYSBROWS

Ben:Really , I not know that before .

BEN PICKS UP A BROOM AND GOES OUT OF THE STOREROOM.JENNY COMES IN

FROM THE LOADING BAY THEN RUSHES THROUGH THE STOREROOM AND INTO THE

SHOP AGAIN.A FEW MOMENTS LATER BILL COMES IN, AND SITS DOWN

Bill:Where's Ben ,I hoped he'd make me a tea before I took the stuff back
to the warehouse.
Tony:There should be some in the pot.
Bill:Is it China tea.
Tony:No , his favourite PG tips.
Bill:I'll have a coffee then.

BILL MAKES HIMSELF A COFFEE AND SITS DOWN AGAIN , HE STARTS TO TALK

AS HE MAKES THE COFFEE

Bill:Things just won't be the same now with Blairs closing.
Tony:But surly you'll get a job.
Bill:Of course I will , I can drive anything , HGV Class 1 I am.

BILL TAKES A SIP Of COffEE AND REACHES FOR A BISCUIT

Bill:No its the perks I'll miss.

TONY LOOKS PUZZLED FOR A SECOND

Bill:PERKS!
Tony:Oh I get you.
Bill:Jenny has always been my favourite , though Susan is a knockout ,but
she's always been distant with me.

TONY LOOKS RELIEVED

Bill:Ten shops Blairs had , and I had a girl to help me unload in every
shop
Tony:Really?

TONY IS TRYING TO HIDE A MIXTURE OF ENVY AND DISGUST

Bill:Mandy was one of the best , over at Quingelton , not very attractive

HE TAKES OUT HIS fALSE TEETH ASND SUCKS THEM TONY IS SHOCKED

Bill:but she made a great sandwich which we shared afterwards.

BILL NOTICES TONY STARING

Bill:Not many people know I have these.

HE HOLDS THEM UNDER TONY'S NOSE SO HE CAN SEE THEM

Tony:Thanks.

HE CRINGES

Bill:Then there was Jane , she had such a smile , and a tongue

HE PUTS HIS TEETH BACK IN

Bill:Then there was Mary , she had this birthmark

HE WINKS AT TONY

Bill:Debbie was special , she always had a present for me on my birthday
Tony:No doubt you'll miss them all.
Bill:It will be a strain you knopw , a wrench after all these years.

BILL LOOKS IN HIS POCKETS FOR A HANKY , HE CANNOT FIND ONE.

Bill:You cann't lend me your hanky can you?
Tony:No! But there are some Kleenex in the shop.
Bill:It doesn't matter that much.

SO HE LEANS BACK ON HIS CHAIR AND BLOWS HIS NOSE ON A TEA CLOTH.

Bill:Yes its a terrible thing Blairs closing down ,The girls all cried
at the other shops when I saw them for the last time
Tony:Er , well , but , what I mean to say is how , is that...

BILL BUTTS IN

Bill:Why am I so sexy.

TONY IS SPEECHLESS FOR A SECOND AS HE STARES AT THE BALDING POT

BELLIED UNSHAVEN MAN IN FRONT OF HIM , BILL HAS AN EAR RING IN ONE

EAR TOO , SUNGLASSES IN HIS TORN SHIRY POCKET.

Bill:I just my personality isn't it.

BIll GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND FARTS

Bill:Was that you?
Tony:NO !
Bill:It must have been me then.I better be off , I've got to buy the wife
an anniversary present. its the girlfriends bithday too.See you.
Tony:See you . (HE SAYS LIMPLY)

TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD fROM SIDE TO SIDE IN DISBELIEF

Tony:He's a one man population explosion , and I cann't even ask Susan out

fADEOUT

AT THE DAIRY COUNTER LORRAINE HAS HER PERSONAL STEREO ON

Lorraine:What cheese shall I try first I like the Brie , but the Rochefort
is very good.

LORRAINE'S FACE IS COVERED IN SPOTS , A RESULT OF TOO MUCH CHEESE

EATING.CAREFLLY SHE TAKES A PORTION OFF ONE CHEESE WITH A KNIFE

SHE TAKES FROM HER OVERALL POCKET.THEN REACHING UNDER THE COUNTER

SHE GETS SOME "TESCO'S OWN BRAND CHEESE MATES BISCUITS" OUT OF HER

BAG.THEN SHE CLOSES HER EYES AND EATS THE CHEESE ON THE BISCUIT

A CUSBENER APPEARS DRESSED IN PEARLS AND TWEED

Customer:Well , that must be good judging by the look on your face.

LORRAINE OPENS HER EYES AND IS SLICHTLY SHOCKED

Lorraine:Well er yes it was.Can I her you Madame
Customer:I'm having a wine and cheese party , what cheese do you recommend
Lorraine:Well I always like Brie , then there's Edam of course and the
Rochefort is always a nice one.And if you want a nice English one
then I 'd say the Red Leicester cann't be beaten

THE CUSTOMER LOOKS SUITABLE IMPRESSED .LORRAINE KNOWS ABOUT

CHEESE BUT SHE IS OTHERWISE AS THICK AS TWO SHORT PLANKS

Customer:Well if you make me up a selection of those , say 12 ounces of
each.

LORRAINE LOOKS DOWN AT THE DISPLAY , OVER TWENTY CHEESES

ARE THERE

Lorraine:12 ounnces times twenty?
Customer:Yes , the management are coming over.
Lorraine:Sounds nice.
Customer:Yes it is.Its to celebrate a new expansion at the Hypermarket.

LORRAINE's FACE DROPS.

Customer:Have I said anything wrong?
Lorraine:The store's closing after 50 years and partly because of the
Hypermarket .
Customer:Oh I am sorry , but that's life.

LORRAINE FINISHES THE ORDER

Customer:I'll have a word with my husband over the phone perhaps there is
something he can do

SHE IS CONCERNED FOR LORRAINE

Lorraine:It would be really great if you could do that.
Customer:I cann't promise but I'll do my best
Lorraine:Anything else?
Customer:Do you have any of those biscuits to go with cheese, you know
the kind I mean.

LORRAINE MOVES SLIGHTLY TO ONE SIDE SO THE CUSBENER CANN'T SEE

HER PICKINGS AND HER OWN BISCUITS BEHIND HER

Lorraine:Actually the one's we have don't do justice to the cheese
Customer:You're a true connoiseur.
Lorraine:Er yes.
Customer:That'll be all then.

THE CUSBENER PAYS , THEN WITH A TWIRL OF HER TWEED SKIRT AND HER

PEARLS BOBBING UP AND DOWN SHE GOES AWAY.LORRAINE REACHES BEHIND

AND PICKS UP HER CHEESE AND BISUIT

Lorraine:Stupid Cow , came in here to gloat she did , its her husband who
is putting us out of work.

LORRAINE HELPS HERSELF TO SOME MORE CHEESE

Lprraine:I wonder what "connoiseur is ? I'll ask Jane when she comes in.

LORRAINE FINISHES HER SNACK THEN LOOKS AT HER REFLECTION IN THE

BACON SLICER

Lorraine:My spots aren't getting any better.

LORRAINE TILTS HER HEAD ONE WAY THEN ANOTHER TO GET A BETTER

LOOK

Lorraine:I'll have to put some ointment on.

SHE REACHES UNDER THE COUNTER AND BRINGS OUT HER BAG , SHE LOOKS

FOR AND FINDS HER OINTMENT.THEN SHE PUTS IT ON HER FACE WHILE

LOOKING AT HER REFLECTION IN THE BACON SLICER

Lorraine:I wonder if the cheese has anything to do with spots

AT THAT MOMENT ANOTHER CUSBENER APPEARS , SHE SEES LORRAINE WITH

THE OINTMENT , LORRAINE THINKS FAST AND STARTS RUBBING IT ON THE

THE BACON SLICER

Lorraine:It's a vegetable based lubricant , for the bacon slicer
Woman:Really?

THE WOMAN LOOKS SURPRISED BUT BELIEVES LORRIANE

Lorraine:What can I do for you?
Woman:I'll have some ham please , 8 ounzes.

LORRAINE GULPS AND SLIPS THE OINTMENT INTO HER OVERALL POCKET

Lorraine:Off the bone?

SHE REACHES FOR THE CARVING KNIFE HOPING ITS OFF THE BONE

Woman:No , the cheaper one , sliced please.

LORRAINE GULPS AGAIN

Lorraine:Certainly Madame.

THE WOMAN IS WATCHING CLOSELY SO LORRIANE CANNOT RUB THE OINTMENT

OFF

Lorraine:80P , is that ok?
Woman:Yes , it looks luvly.

THE WOMAN TEARS A PIECE OFF AND EATS IT , LORRAINE CLOSES HER

EYES

Woman:This is really nice , here you try some

SHE OfFERS IT TO LORRAINE

Woman:A little tangy , but nice.Are you sure you won't try some?
Lorraine:No thanks.
Woman:You must be sick of food surrounded by it all day , I suppose
Lorraine:Anything else?
Woman:No.Er on second thoughts I'll have another 8 ounzes of the ham,
it is really good , it has an after taste even better than the
one when you eat it.Are you sure you won't try a bit.
Lorraine:I'm on a diet.
Woman:Here's œ2.
Lorraine:40p change.
Woman:Bye
Lorraine:Bye

AS THE WOMAN GOES AWAY LORRAINE HURRIEDLY CLEANS THE BACON SLICER

THEN SHE HOLDS THE OINTMENT TO HER NOSE AND SNIFfS , SHE PUTS

SOME ON HER FINGER AND DITHERS AS TO TASTE IT OR NOT ,IN THEN END

SHE GOES "UGH" AND DOES NOT.IN THE BACKGROUND THE CUSBENER IS

PECKING AT THE HAM AS SHE LEAVES THE STORE. TONY WALKS BY AND

SHE LORRAINE WATCHING THE WOMAN

Tony:Is everything ok?
Lorraine:Yes.

TONY LOOKS AT THE WOMAN AND THEN LORRAINE , THEN WITH A PUZZLED

LOOK ON HIS FACE HE WALKS AWAY. LORRAINE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AS

TONY WALKS AWAY. SO TONY CHECKS HIS FLIES AND HIS BACKSIDE.

Tony:I hope they didn't rip my trousers. (AS HE CHECKS HIMSELf)

Fade Out

BIG GERTIE IS AT THE CHECKOUT SERVING WHEN A DRUNK COMES IN

HE DISAPPEARS fOR A MOMENT THEN RETURNS TO THE CHECKOUT WITH

ONE TIN OF BEANS , HE PAYS FOR THESE THEN LEAVES , HIS JACKET

FLAPS OPEN TO REVEAL A BOTTLE OF JOHNIE WALKER.IN THE INSIDE

POCKET.GERTIE CARRIES ON SERVING , A CROWD IS FORMING

LORRAINE COMEWS RUSHING TO THE CHECKOUT FROM THE BACK

Lorraine:Did that man pay for the Johnie Walker , I saw him put it in his
pocket.
Gertie:No.I didn't see any whiskey.
Lorraine:Well I did and he put it in his inside pocket

GERTIE LOOKS OUTSIDE AND SEES THE MAN STAGGERING AWAY

Lorraine:Shall I go after him?
Gertie:No leave this to me , it's my responsibility , I'm supervisor
Lorraine:What shall I do?
Gertie:Serve these people.

GERTIE EDGES OUT FROM BEHIND THE CHECKOUT , HER 17 STONE PLUS

FRAME IS ALMOST WEDGED THERE.LORRAINE TAKES HER PLACE , THE

CUSBENERS DON'T WANT TO BE SERVED THEY WANT TO SEE WHAT WILL

HAPPEN.SO LORRAINE AND THE CUSBENERS WATCH GERTIE.

GERTIE WADDLES AFTER THE DRUNK , SWINGING HER LEGS FROM THE HIP

AS FAT PEOPLE DO

IN THE STREET

Gertie:You come here! Stop Theif!

AN OLD MAN IN THE STREET JUMPS WITH FRIGHT , A BABY IN A PUSH

CHAIR STARTS TO CRY. THE DRUNK LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDR THEN

SPEEDS UP , TO AVOID GERTIE IF HE CAN.

Gertie:Stop Thief!

AGAIN THE WHOLE STREET IS FRIGHTENED , THE DRUNK SPEEDS UP

SO DOES GERTIE. SHE HAS TO JUGGLE HER BUSSOM AS SHE TRIES TO

CATCH UP.

THE DRUNK BUMPS INTO SOMEBODY THEN MOVES ON , GERTIE IS CLOSING

THE DRUNK LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER , THEN BUMPS INTO A TREE ,

GERTIE HAS A TRICKLE OF SWEAT ROLL DOWN HER FACE AND NECK

SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH THEN LUNGES

17 STONES PLUS LAND ON THE DRUNK , THE DRUNK LANDS WITHOUT

BREAKING THE BOTTLE , AN ABILITY ALL DRUNKS HAVE.

Gertie:Just because I'm a defenceless woman you think you can take
advantage of me.

THE WHOLE STREET IS WATCHING NOW , THE CUSBENER AND LORRAINE

HAVE MOVED OUT OF THE SHOP TO WATCH

Gertie:You men are all the same you take take take.Men you can keep them,
I saw.

SHE SNATCHES BACK THE BOTTLE , BEFORE GETTING UP AND STANDING

ON THE DRUNK AGAIN. THE DRUNKS MOANS BUT DOES NOT MOVE AT ALL

Gertie:But you'r not taking this.

SHE IS TRIUMPHANT , THE STREET APPLAUDES , THE BABY IS STILL

CRYING IN THE BACKGROUND , ITS MOTHER GIVES GERTIE A STARE

AS SHE PASSES.GERTIE ENTERS THE STORE TO APPLAUSE.

SHE CARRIES THE BOTTLE ARROUND LIKE AN OLYMPIC TORCH AND PUTS

IT BACK ON THE SHELF , THEN EDGES BACK BEHIND THE TILL.

Gertie:Next paying customer please!

EVERYBODY LAUGHS

Customer:Well done Gertie.

OTHER CUSBENERS SAY THE SAME , GERTIE IS HEAVING AND "GLOWING

LORRAINE COMES AND SPRAYS HER WITH "BODY MIST" BEFORE PUTTING IT

BACK ON THE SHELF.AS GERTIE SERVES SHE DROPS SOMEBODIES CHANGE

SHE BENDS DOWN AND PICKS IT UP.AS SHE GETS UP A LARGE ,AND FAT

MAN APPEARS , HE WATCHES HER GET UP.

HE LOOKS AT THE TRICKLE OF SWEAT ON HER BREAST , AS SHE RAISES

HER HEAD HE LOOKS INTO HER EYES , GERTIE KNOWS WHAT HE'S BEEN

LOOKING AT , BUT SMILES NONE THE LESS

ITS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

GERTIE PRETENDS TO SLIP , A STRONG HAND HELPS HER UP ,AND HOLDS

ON A BIT LONGER THAN NEED BE.

Gertie:Thank you ,I'm a bit tired , I had to deal with a shoplifter.
Keith:They can be trouble at times.

HE SMILES AT HER , GERTIE'S EYES OPEN WIDER , ITS LOVE.

Gertie:Your Keith aren't you?
Keith:Yes.Do you want any health food products.

HE SHOWS HIS CASE

Gertie:We could both do with those.

THEY BOTH LAUGH , ONLY THEY EXIST , JUST THEM , ITS LOVE

Gertie:I'm afraid you had a wasted journey , the store's closing
Keith:So you won't be seeing me anymore.
Gertie:Fraid so (SHE SIGHS)
Keith:I may as well go then.

HE TURNS TO GO , AT THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS AT HER

HE HALF OPENS HIS MOUTH , GERTIE COCKS AN EAR , HE TURNS

AWAY TO LEAVE.GERTIE LOOKS SAD , THEN WITH A LOOK OF

DETERMINATION AND HOPE SHE SAWS

Gertie:We should really have a drink to saw goodbye , after all you've
been coming here a few months.

KEITH TURNS BACK

Keith:Yes , I was thinking of that.
Gertie:We could meet at eight , outside . (SHE's HOPING)
Keith:Yes at eight then.

GERTIE GETS OUT FROM BEHIND THE TILL AND STANDS BY HIM , HE IS

NOTICEABLY TALLER THAN HER.THEY LOOK LIKE TWO TOBY JUGS ,

ON IMPULSE KEITH BENDS DOWN AND GIVES HER A PECK.

GERTIE IN RETURN GRABS HIM , AND GIVES HIM A REAL SMACKER.

SO A LITTLE SHOCKED , BUT WITH A HUGH SMILE KEITH LEAVES.

GERTIE WAVES HIM OFF, STANDING IN THE DOORWAY

WE SEE HIM WAVING THEN TOOT EIGHT TIMES , FOR THE TIME THEY WILL

MEET.

IT STARTS TO RAIN , THIS RAIN IS THE GOOD SAMARITAN THAT REVIVES

THE WOODBE SHOPLIFTER , AS HE GETS UP , STILL STUNNED, WE SEE

GERTIE GO BACK IN THE SHOP.

(FADEOUT)

THE NEXT DAY .....A CUSBENER IS BEING SERVED BY GERTIE

Gertie:You'll have to go somewhere else for your butter Mrs Harvey.
Mrs Harvey:Why's that.
Gerie:The shops closing in three months time , we all got a letter
yesterday.Here look.

GERTIE REACHES INTO HER POCKET AND SHOWS MRS HARVEY THE LETTER

MRS HARVEY LOOKS AT IT THEN HANDS IT BACK

Mrs Harvey:I am sorry , what will you all do?
Gertie:The young uns will be ok but for the rest of us...

GERIE SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS

Mrs Harvey:I am so sorry , but you don't look so sad do you?
Gertie:Well I'm still on cloud nine from last night.
Mrs Harvey:Oh do tell me more.

GERTIE LOOKS AROUND BEFORE SPEAKING CONSPIRATORILY

Gertie:I was out last night - with a man.
Mrs Harvey:How nice.
Gertie:We went for a meal at an Italian place.It was great.
Mrs Harvey:My husband , God Rest Him , was Italian , a prisoner of war.
Gertie:I did not know that.
Mrs Harvey:But carry on tell me more.
Gertie:Well it was reaaly nice , afterwards we went for a stroll
before going back to the car .We spotted a French place.
Mrs Harvey:Yes they do do good food them frenchies.
Gertie:I know , we went in and had a meal there too.
Mrs Harvey:Ypu are naughty.
Gertie:But it was great.And afterwards it was so good too.

GERTIE WINKS , MRS HARVEY IS SLIGHTY FLUSTERED.

Mrs Harvey:Oh you are naughty.
Gertie:Well everybody is doing it.
Mrs Harvey:Perhaps I'm old fashioned.
Gertie:I'm seeing him again tonight.I have a feeling this is something
special.
Mrs Harvey:If you are sure.

GERTIE GLOWS AND SIGHS WITH PLEASURE AT THE THOUGHT OF THE

PREVIOUS NIGHTS EVENTS

Mrs Harvey:I suppose its alright then , but make sure he is serious and
not after you for one thing.
Gertie:I'vew got him around my little finger.

GERTIE HOLDS UP HER FINGER , THEY BOTH GIGGLE

Gertie:It's just the half pound of marg and the litre of Johnie Walker
as usual.
Mrs Harvey:Yes , that's right.The marg has gone up 3p , I may have to
switch brands.
Gertie:œ11.50 please
Mrs Harvey:Here's œ12.
Gertie:50p change.
Mrs Harvey:Just make sure that this man of yours is not a jiggalo.

AS SHE WALKS AWAY , KEITH COMES IN , HE HAS A BUNCH OF FLOWERS

IN HIS HAND.HE EMBRACES GERTIE.ITS LIKE SUMO WRESTLERS KISSING

Keith:I was passing , I just wanted to see you again , here these are
for you .

HE HANDS HER THE FLOWERS

Keith:I hope I wasn't too , er , er , well you know , last night.
Gertie:You were wonderful.

GERTIE GRAPS HIM BY THE THRAOT AND THEY EMBRACE AGAIN

Keith:You took my breath away.
Gertie:I'm sorry.
Keith:No , not now , last night.
Gertie:I'm sorry for last night then.
Keith:I meant it as a compliment.

GERTIE FLUTTERS HER EYELIDS LID A GIANT WALLRUSS.

Keith:I'll see you at eight then .I've had a idea , I want to ask you
about it tonight.
Gertie:What do you mean?
Keith:I'll tell you tonight.

KEITH WALKS AWAY LEAVING GERTIE PERPLEXED.IS IT MARRIAGE?

TONY WALKS UP TO THE TILL AND SPEAKS TO GERTIE

Tony:Have you seen Bernadette?
Gertie:She's by the peas with Susan.But why do you want to know?
Tony:The manager of the hypermarket rung to say he'd interview any staff
that cared to come along.So I thought I'd give Bernadette the first
crack at it.I've written her a reference to go with the ones the
Blairs wrote.

HE HOLDS UP THE ENVELOPES

Gertie:That's great news.Quick go tell her.

SHE PUSHES TONT AWAY SENDING HIM FLYING , HE CARRIES ON WALKING

TO THE PEAS , RUBBING HIS ARM

Tony:I want you to go to the Hypermarket Bernadette.
Bernadette:You want me to buy you something?
Tony:No silly I want you to have an interview.Here take these.

HE HANDS HER THE REFERENCES

Bernadette:What are these?
Tony:References, now go straight away!

BERNADETTE HAND THE PRICING GUN TO SUSAN AND HURRIES AWAY

UNBUTTONING HER OVERALL AS SHE GOES. SUSAN STARES AT TONY

Susan:You can be dead masterful when you want.I like that in a man.
Tony:Er yes , I think I better go and talk to Ben.

TONY HURRIES AWAY FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE AS IS SUSAN IS MENTALLY

UNDRESSING HIM. SUSAN LOOKS AFTER HIM.

Susan:I wish he'd hurry up and ask me out before its too late.

FADEOUT

WE NEXT SEE BERNADETTE AT INTERVIEW AT THE HYPERMARKET

TWO MEN AND A WOMAN ARE INTERVIEWING HER

Bernadette:Here are my references.You know I can only work part time
because of my son

THE WOMAN TAKES THE REFERENCES AND LOKKS AT THEM BEFORE

HANDING THEM TO THE MEN

1ST Man:These look very good , excellent even.
2ND Man:But we cann't have any passengers here.So can you work on the
checkout for a half hour so we can see just how good you really
are
Bernadette:I don't know if I should be back at Blairs

BERNADETTE IS VERY NERVOUS , TWO OF THE PANEL IS SYMPATHETIC

THE 2ND MAN IS NOT . HE IS NASTY IN FACT

Woman:Your boss said it was ok.
Bernadette:If Tony said that then its ok by me.
2ND Man:It's MR here you know , If you are good enough.
Bernadette:Yes Sir.

THE WOMAN SMILES FAINTLY AS ENCOURAGEMENT.SO THE FOUR GO DOWN

TO THE SHOP FLOOR AND PUT BERNADETTE AT THE TILL.AFTER FIRST

JAMMING THE TILL AND LOOKING NERVOUSLY AROUND HER BERNADETETE

SOON GETS INTO THJE SWING OF THINGS A REAL "BORN AGAIN" SHOP

WORKER. UNTIL A MAN OF FOURTY IN THICK GLASSES APROACHES , HE

FALLS AND HAS A FIT. BERNADETTE CLOSES HER EYES IN HORROR

FADEOUT

BERNADETTE RETURNS TO BLAIRS LOOKING SAD.THE GIRLS GATHER AROUND

Gertie:Well did you get it.

BERNADETTE LOOKS SAD AND DOWNCAST

Gertie:Well?
Tony:Go on tell us the worse of it.
Susan:A trouble shared is a troubled halved.
Bernadette:Well there were two men and a woman interviewing me.One man was
really nasty.After a talk.They liked the references ,Tony.Well
the nasty one said he wanted to see me in action , so they made
me work on the shop floor.
Gertie:I've never heard of that before.

A CHORUS OF "ME NEITHER " AND "FANCY THAT"

Bernadette:I was nervous at first.
Tony:Well you would be/
Bernadette:But I soon got in the swing of things.
Gertie:Your a pro you are, it shows in your fingertips.

LAUGHS FROM THE GIRLS

Gertie:Not that kind , you lot have filthy minds.
Bernadette:I was quite enjoying it in fact.Until.

EVERYBODY LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY WAITING FOR THE BOMBSHELL

Bernadett:A customer had a fit.
Susan:That's terrible , what rotten luck.
Gertie:God is cruel sometimes I think.
Tony:So it ruineds it for you.

A CHORUS OF "AH NO , WHAT A SHAME"

Bernadette:I shut my eyes , it was a shock.
Gertie:So what happened , was the man alright.
Bernadette:After a second ,I just got out from behind the till and
sorted him out.I've done it with my son my see.It was just that
it kind of surprized me there in the store.
Gertie:Good for you Bernadette.
Bernadette:After I sorted the man out , I calmed the man's wife then I did
a silly thing , I shouted at one of the interviewing team , I
told him to get an ambulance as the man had cut his arm during
the fit.While the ambulance was coming I bandaged the arm.

A STUNNED AND RESPECTFUL SILENCE

Tony:Go on.
Bernadette:Well the ambulance men said he looked ok , I had done a good
job , but to be on the safe side they would take him away.His
wife was everso greatful she said the shop should be proud of
staff like me.I remembered then I had shouted at the boss.I
started to walk away.But the nasty one grabbed me by the arm
and kept on shaking it.He called me "My Dear Bernadette" he
told me to call him Malcome.Before he had stressed he was "Mr".
Tony:So you got the job.
Bernadette:Yes I got the job.

A CHEER GOES UP

Bernadette:As I was leaving I told the woman that my son had fits and that
was how I knew what to do.She just said that I showed great
professionalism under stress and that was the kind of people
they want.If anybody else wants a job just give them a ring to
fix up a time for interview.
Gertie:I'm really happy.
Tony:Let's celebrate.

TONY WALKS TO THE BOOZE SECTION AND TAKES A BOTTLE , HE LOOKS

AT GERTIE AND SAYS

Tony:It's ok , I'm not a shoplifter

THEY ALL BURST OUT LAUFHING , THEY RAID THE BOOZE SECTION AND

HAVE AN IMPROMPTU PARTY , LORRAINE BRINGS THE BEST OF THE

CHEESE OUT AS WELL...

FADE OUT

FADE IN...THE DEBRIS IS BEING CLEARED AWAY AS JANE THE CLEANER

COMES IN.JANE HELPS OUT AS NEEDED SHE IS NOT JUST A CLEANER.

Jane:What's all this then? Looks like a party , why wasn't I invited.
Tony:Bernadette got another job.
Gertie:On the spot at the hypermarket , so we just had to celebrate.
Jane:That's really good , but look at the mess.

JANE LOOKS ALL AROUND HER ,WRAPPERS EVERYWHERE AND BOTTLES

ROLLING IN THE ISLES

Tony:It's all my fault , but we got carried away as we'll soon be going
our seperate ways and.
Jane:That's ok it was a shock that's all , besides in a way its good.

TONY AND GERTIE LOOK PUZZLED

Jane:Well I was reading how the Romans used to live it up with parties
going on for days with orgies and the like , I couldn't really see
it in my mind .Until I came in here , this gives me an inkling .
Gertie:It was no orgy!
Lorraine:What's an orgy?
Tony:You're to young to know that.
Jane:I only meant it had some similarities that's all , its all in this
book I've been reading.

SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT ,IN ONE POCKET OF HER OVERALL IS A LARGE

HISTORY BOOK , IN THE OTHER POCKET A CAN OF "MR SHEEN" . SHE TAKES

THE BOOK OUT FOR THEM TO SEE

Tony:The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
Jane:It's really good this one.One of the students I clean for leant it
to me.There are drawings too.

SHE OPENS THE BOOK AND TURNS TO A DRAWIG OF AN ORGY , FOR THEM TO

SEE

Lorraine:So that's what an orgy is ,I've heard the modern word for it, its
gang

GERTIE INTERRUPTS HURRIEDLY

Gertie:That's enough of that young lady ,I'm sure you can find soemthing
to do at the cheese counter.

GERTIE PULLS HERSELF TO HER FULL HEIGHT AND POINTS LORRANIE GOES

AWAY RELUCTANTLY . JANE IS STILL fLICKING THROUGH THE BOOK

Jane:The best thing ever to happen to me was cleaning for students ,
I've learnt eversuch a lot , you'd be amazed.
Gertie:I can imagine

THEY GERTIE STARTS TO LAUGH , JUST LIKE A DONKEY

Tony:I think she meant from books
Gertie:Oh.
Jane:I'll hang up my coat then , before I start on this

SHE GESTURES TO THE MESS ALL AROUND , WE FOLLOW JANE AS SHE GOES

TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AT THE CHEESE COUNTER SHE HANDS HER COAT

TO LORRAINE.

Jane:Can you put my coat in the staff room , I'm dying for a fag.
Lorraine:Ok.

LORRAINE GOES THROUGH THE STOREROOM DOOR WHICH LEADS TO THE STAFF

ROOM AS WELL CARRYING JANE'S COAT , WHILE JANE LIGHTS UP

Jane:I dying for a fag , they must be adictive to me , mind you in
olden days it was opium.

LORRAINE LOOKS DUMB.

Jane:Drugs.
Lorraine:Oh.
Jane:Men used to go to opium dens and smoke drugs till they were silly
Lorraine:Nowdays they go to football matches instead, it has the same
results.
Jane:That was clever that , mind you in the Roaman days when they were
n't at orgies.

LORRAINE'S EYES LIGHT UP , SHE IS INTERESTED

Jane:They went to the circus.
Lorraine:Billy Smarts or Chipperfields.

JANE ROLLS HER EYES IN DISGUST

Jane:It was a bit different.The circus did have animals, lions and
tigers but they did not do tricks.
Lorraine:It cann't have been very good then.
Jane:Oh but it was , the animals ate the Christians.
Lorraine:Never.
Jane:Yes , it's true , its all in this book.The christians were the
troublemakers in them days so they were fed to the lions.People
came to watch , and place bets.
Lorraine:They should bring it back for soccar holigans , they smashed my
nan's front window the other year , I mean she's really old ,68,
and how can she afford a new one.
Jane:There were fights to the death as well , with Gladiators , if the
fight was a good one , the loser could be saved if the crowd gave
a thumbs up.
Lorraine:I've seen one of those.

JANE LOOKS SURPRIZED

Lorraine:Outside a nightclub at closing time, the only differnce was that
nobody placed bets or put their thumbs up.
Jane:Where's my ashtray.

JANE LOOKS AROUND , LORRAINE GOES TO THE OTHER END OF THE COUNTER

AND BRINGS BACK A CHARITY BOX WHICH HAS "CANCER RELIEF " ON THE

SIDE.

Jane:This is really handy.

JANE DROPS HER ASH DOWN THE SLOT AND RESUMES HER TALKING , AS

A FEW PUFFS OF SMOKE RISE FROM THE BOX.

Jane:Did I tell you about Marco Polo , I was reading about him the
other week.
Lorraine:You were reading about polos?
Jane:No Marco Polo , a man who sailed the seven seas in search of silk
and spices.People thought he'd fall of the end of the world.
Lorraine:That's silly .He could have looked in an atlas , he'd have got
one in W H Smith's or whatever they had in them days.
Jane:They didn't have atlases then nor W H Smith's of any kind .
Lorraine:Really , so how did he know wheree he was going?
Jane:He had a rough map but it stopped near India , so he just had to
carry on and hope he didn't fall off the end of the world.He made
maps as he went along.
Lorraine:He must have been very brave.
Jane:He was , just like an Astronaut really if you want to compare it
to things we do today.
Lorraine:Fancy.But what about those orgies.

LORRAINE IS A LITTLE COY ABOUT IT

Jane:I can lend you this book , if you like.

SHE TAKES THE THICK VOLUME FROM HER POCKET AND HANDS IT TO

LORRAINE

Jane:It's really well written it makes things come to life ,its light
reading really.

LORRAINE FEELS THE WEIGHT AND LOOKS AT THE SIZE OF THE BOOK THEN

HANDS IT BACK.TRYING NOT TO LOOK FOOLISH SHE SAYS

Lorraine:I thinking hearing it you is so much better ,you bring it to life
when YOU tell it.

JANE LOOKS PROUD

Jane:Do you really think so?
Lorraine:You're ever such a good talker.Besides I've a Jackie Collins to
finish.It's thicker than that.

JANE ALLOWS HERSELF A SMALL SMILE.

Jane:As you like , but if ever you change your mind let me know.I did
not know what I was missing till one of my students lent me a
History book a few years ago.History is such fun , its murder and
pillage and plotting , double dealing , lies and lust and so much
more.
Lorraine:Sounds a bit like The News of The World.
Jane:Yes dear.

WITH A SIGH JANE PUTS THE LAST OF HER ASH INTO THE CHARITY BOX

A CUSBENER ARRIVES SO JANE FLICKS THE DUSTER CASUALLY AS LORRAINE

SERVES.

Customer:8 ounzes of best ham.

LORRAINE CUTS THE HAM , JANE IS STILL FLICKING HER DUSTER , AND

READING AT THE SAME TIME

Lorraine:That's œ1.42 .
Customer:Here a tenner.

LORRAINE LOOKS IN THE TILL ,THERE IS NO CHANGE , SO SHE GRABS

THE STILL SMOKING CHARITY BOX AND SHAKES A FEW PENNIES AND ASH

FROM IT.LORRAINE MAKES UP THE MONEY FOR THE CUSBENER AND IS ABOUT

TO GIVE IT TO THE CUSBENER WHEN SHE REALISES THERE IS ASH SO SHE

BLOWS THE HANDFUL OF MONEY , THE ASH FALLS ALL OVER THE CHEESE

THE CUSBENER TAKES THE CHANGE AND GOES AWAY DISGUSTED

Jane:You shouldn't have done that.
Lorraine:It's ok , I'll stick some silver in instead.

SO LORRAINE TAKES SOME SILVER FROM THE TILL AND PUTS IT IN THE

CHARITY BOX. AT THAT MOMENT A WOMAN WEARING A BLUE TOP AND

MATCHING SKIRT APPEARS

Woman:That's what I like to see.
Lorraine:What can I do for you?
Woman:I've come for the charity box ,now that the store's closing I'll
have to find it another home.

SHE TAKES OUT SOME ID FROM HER MATCHING BLUE HANDBAG , THE ID

SAYS "Charity Coordinator for Cancer Research".

THE WOMAN IS A BIT TOFFY NOSED

Lorraine:Here you are then.

LORRAINE PASSES THE BOX.

Woman:I'll open it now , you can have the change for your till , then
you can give me some notes.I know how you shop people always need
change.

THE CHARITY WOMAN OPENS THE BOX , ASH COVERS HER "BLUE" OUTFIT

SHE IS ANGRY BUT VERY MYSTIFIED.JANE ACTS QUICKLY.

Jane:It's all that radioactivity you know , from that Russian place
Lorraine:Yes it must be that.Jane's read about it in a book.

JANE TAPS THE BOOK IN HER POCKET , THE TITLE IS UNSEEN

Jane:I causes cancer , so I've heard.

THE CHARITY WOMAN HURRIEDLY WIPES THE ASH OFF HERSELF.THEN

QUICKLY COUNTS THE MONEY AND SWOPS IT FOR NOTES FROM LORRAINE.

THEN WITH A CURT "Thankyou " SHE LEAVES STILL WIPING THE ASH

LAIDEN CANCER FROM HER SKIRT.

LORRAINE AND JANE BURST OUT LAUGHING

Lorraine:We were wicked weren't we , I'll have to tell the priest in
confession
Jane:She was a stuck up bitch ,"That's what I like to hear" .
Lorraine:We shouldn't have done it.
Jane:Just because we work in shops people think we are thick and can
look down on us.Well I'm not thick , I'm half way through my
Open University course in History.
Lorraine:Never! You didn't tell any of us.
Jane:You'd all laugh , a cleaner taking a degree.Besides I had hope to
come in with my gown on when I passed , but that will never happen
now.
Lorraine:I always said you were clever.
Jane:Well don't tell anybody!
Lorraine:I won't , I admire you , all I ever got was 3 CSEs.
Jane:And if you do tell anybody I'll put some fish fingers down your
knickers.
Lorraine:You wouldn't.
Jane:I would.Besides it'll give you an idea what an eskimo boyfriend
would be like.

THEY BOTH LAUGH AGAIN

THE NEXT DAY ..GERTIE IS ON THE TILL SHE IS IN A RIGHT MOOD

SHE HELPS HERSELF TO THE CHOCOLATES BY THE TILL TO CONSOLE

HERSELF.AS A CUSTOMER IS LEAVING , FEELING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

BY GERTIE'S MANNER .LORRAINE , JENNY AND SUSAN GATHER TO

OFFER SYMPATHY..

Lorraine:What's the matter Gertie?
Jenny:Do tell , you're only upsetting yourself by keeping it bottled up
Susan:I bet its got something to do with Keith.

GERTIE GLARES AND REACHES FOR ANOTHER 1LB BAR OF CHOCOLATE , SHE

SNAPS IT IN TWO WITH TWO FINGERS OF ONE HAND.BEFORE SHE PUSHES

IT INTO HER MOUTH.SHE IS NOW SWEARED IN CHOCOLATE LIKE A KID

Lorraine:You're only upsetting yourself.Do tell us more .
Sharom:We want to help you.
Susan:A trouble shared is a troubled halved.

GERTIE SUDDENLY LUNGES FOR THEM , OR SO THEY THINK , IN FACT

ITS THE ECONOMY SIZE SMARTIES THAT SHE'S AFTER.SHE TEARS THE

PACK OPEN THEN POURS THEM DOWN HER THROAT. THE GIRLS LOOK

RELEIVED AND MOVE CLOSER AGAIN.

Gertie:Well you were right , its because of HIM.

KNOWING LOOKS ARE EXCHANGED , THEY HUDDLE TOGETHER LIKE

CONSPIRATORS.AT THAT MOMENT TONY HAPPENS BY.

Tony:Come on girls I know we are closing but lets not give up the Ghost
entirely

THEY TURN AROUND AS ONE AND GLARE , LIKE A MEDUSA'S HEAD AT HIM

Tony:I think I'll go and have a tea with Ben , see what my stars say.

THE FOURSOME STILL GLARE , SO HE EDGES AWAY THEN HURRIES AWAY

Tony:Ben , oh Ben is the kettle on.

HE HAS HIS HAND RAISED AS IF TO CATCH A TAXI.THE FOURSOME RESUME

THEIR SCRUMMAGE.

Gertie:Well he said he wanted to make me an offer last night.
Lorraine:What was it?
Gertie:He said he wanted me to think about it and not to rush into it.
Jenny:So what was it?
Gertie:Well he said it was what every man always wanted.
Susan:Marriage to a good woman!

THREE OF THEM SIGH , GERTIE DOES NOT

Gertie:I thought it was that too.
Susan:What was it then?
Gertie:He wanted to borrow the redundancy money I'd get from here.
Lorraine:The cheeky bugger.
Jenny:So that's what he was after all along.
Susan:Men are all the same if it's not one thing then it's your money
they are after.

GERTIE STARTS TO SOB , IT SPOILS HER MASCARA , SHE CRUNCHES MORE

SMARTIES FOR COMFORT'S SAKE.

Lorraine:So what did you do?
Gertie:I was shocked.
Jenny:Well you would be.
Gertie:I'd given him one thing.
Lorraine:Now he wanted the other.
Jenny:Or vice versa.
Lorraine:What does vice versa mean?
Susan:He'd had his wicked way now he wanted her money as well.
Gertie:I mean I had saved myself till I fell under his wicked spell and
there in the restaurant he had revealed himself.
Lorraine:You mean he was a flasher too!
Gertie:No , I mean he was a con man , a charmer.
Lorraine:I saw it on the telly , I think Nigel Havers is dead gorgeous.
Gertie:That's exactly how he was a charmer just like the telly series.
Jenny:So what did you do?
Gertie:I forced myself to smile and pretended everything was ok.
Lorraine:You were very brave.
Susan:But didn't you say anything about his proposition.
Gertie:No.I had revenge instead.
Jenny:Oh , you didn't let his car tyres down did you.
Gertie:That would have been silly how would I have got home.
Lorraine:So what happened then?
Gertie:If you shut up I'll tell you.Pass my some toffees.

LORRAINE REACHES FOR SOME TOFFEES , GERTIE STARTS ON THESE.

A LONE CUSTOMER COMES IN.SO LORRAINE SHOUTS.

Lorraine:We are having a staff meeting come back in half an hour .

THE CONFUSED MAN IN A LONG MAC LEAVES , CASTING A BACKWARDS

GLANCE AS HE GOES.

Gertie:So I stayed cool as he rabbited on about always wanting to have
a business of his own.How he just needed an extra bit of capital.
He said something about being partners but I wasn't listening.
Lorraine:He's a pig.
Jenny:Yes a pig.
Gertie:At the end of the meal he asked had I made up my mind.
Lorraine:So you slapped his face.
Gertie:No I just smiled, then we left.We were at the Steakhouse place,it
does lovly 12 ounzes steakes and gateau for afters.
Susan:I've been there once with my dad for my eigteenth birthday.
Gertie:So we left and I was all smiles.As we walked down the road we saw
this new Chinese place.So I pretended we should go in there to
celebrate my decision.Just a little meal like.Well he was over
the moon so he ordered a ten course meal.
Lorraine:That taught him.
Gertie:We did not finish it till 11.30 , then he ordered champagne.
Jenny:Oh you were really wicked.
Gertie:It was the only way.So when we finished he asked for my decision.
Pass me some more toffees Lorraine.

LORRAINE PASSES THE TOFFEES.

Gertie:Well I said I'd let him know when he drove me home.He was excited
by now.Then on my doorstep I teased him.

GERTIE GIVES HER BEST "COME ON" LOOK

Gertie:He got very excited.
Lorraine:The beast.
Gertie:Then I told him to close his eyes.When he did I smacked him one
in the face and slammed the door on him.
Jenny:Good for you.
Susan:It's all for the best , men can be so.

SHE STRUGGLES TO FIND A SUITABLE WORD

Jenny:Men are just men!
Susan:Exactly ,they can be so demanding and then caste you aside
without a thought.

IN THE BACKGROUND TONY IS MAKING A SHOW OF LOOKING AT HIS WATCH

THE GIRLS SEE HIM .

Susan:I better go then before he gets angry.

SUSAN GOES TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND SMILES AT TONY ,AS THE

TWO DISAPPEAR FROM VIEW THE GIRLS TALK ABOUT HER.

Jenny:She can talk , "Men can be so demanding" .Her knickers go up and
down as often as the tide changes.
Lorraine:Isn't that twice a day. ( SHE IS NAIVE NOT BITCHY)

THE GIRLS LAUGH AT THIS

Jenny:I better go back to my buns I suppose.
Gertie:Thanks for your shoulder to cry on.
Jenny:That's what friends are for.

JENNY WALKS OFF , GERTIE TURNS TO SUSAN

Gertie:Jenny's no better than Susan.Her "helping" the lorry driver unload
Lorraine:How do you mean. (STILL VERY NAIVE)
Gertie:It wasn't the lorry she was "unloading".
Lorraine:I still don't understand.
Gertie:You're young and pretty , so take my advice , stay as you are
till you have a ring on your finger and a deposite on a house.
Lorraine:Er yes.
Gertie:I mean you don't want to end up like me , taken advantage of ,and
why? So he could get his hands on my redundancy.And I thought it
was me he was after.

GERTIE PUSHES HALF A BAR OF CHOCOLATE INTO HER MOUTH

Lorraine:Cheer up Gertie , there's "as good a fish in the sea that ever
came out of it".

GERTIE LOOKS AT LORRAINE , A PUZZLED LOOK ON HER FACE

Lorraine:It was our old school motto , if I remember right the headmaster
said it meant that good things can happen again .
Gertie:I don't know , I think I'll give men up for life.

SHE LOOKS VERY SAD , PATHETIC , MAKEUP SMUDGED AND CHOCOLATE

ON HER FACE

Gertie:Besides look at me , I'm 39 and I'll never be thin again.

SILENT TEARS START TO FALL , LORRAINE PUTS HER ARM AROUND HER

TO COMFORT HER.

Lorraine:He's a beast that Keith.

AT THAT MOMENT THE LARGE SHADOW FALLS OVER THEM THEY DON'T

LOOK UP.

Lorraine:Cann't you leave her alone Tony , she's broken hearted.
Gertie:I'm sorry Tony its just that I had such hopes.

A BIG SNIFFLE FROM GERTIE , LORRAINE "THERE THERES " HER

THE SHADOW SPEAKS.

Keith:It's all my fault , I want to say sorry.

THE TWO LOOK UP , KEITH IS WEARING SUNGLASSES HE HAS AN ENORMOUS

BUNCH OF FLOWERS READY FOR GERTIE.

Keith:I realised when I got home how it must have sounded.
Lorraine:You beast get lost , you seduced her , then you wanted her money.
That's all you wanted.

ANOTHER SNIFFLE FROM GERTIE.

Keith:It's all my fault , I want to say sorry.

HE OFFERS THE FLOWERS TO GERTIE , GERTIE FOLDS HER ARMS , LORRAINE

SNATCHES THEM AND THROWS THEM IN THE AIR.THEY LAND ON THE THREE OF

THEM AND THE TILL AND FLOOR.

Lorraine:You've used her , you've taken advantage of her now you come back
to torment her.
Keith:It's not like that.
Lorraine:You're a theif , you only got half the treasure.

KEITH PUTS HIS HAND ON LORRAINE MOUTH , AND LIFTS GERTIE'S CHIN

WITH HIS OTHER HAND.LORRAINE STRUGGLES

Keith:Gertie I love you , I was so excited with my plans last night
that I didn't get round to the most important bit.

GERTIE WIPES THE TEARS AWAY FROM HER EYE.LORRAINE REACHES FOR

SOME OF THE SCATTERED ROSES AND STARTS TO HIT KEITH.

Keith:Yes I do want your redundancy money .

LORRAINE BEATS HIM WITH A ROSE.

Keith:Yes I want you as business partner.

LORRAINE BELTS HIM WITH THE ROSES , KEITH LETS THEM BOTH GO

HE KNEELS DOWN UNDER LORRAINE'S BELTING , HE REACHES INTO HIS

POCKET , LORRAINE BELTS HIM EVEN MORE.GERTIE WONDERS WHAT HE

NOW HAS IN HIS HAND

Keith:But most of all I want you as a wife.

LORRAINE STOPS THE "WAR OF THE ROSES"

Gertie:What?
Keith:I want you to marry me.
Lorraine:Marry her?
Keith:I want you for a wife , to be my business partner and if you
don't think we're too old I want children , lots of children.

GERTIE IS STUNNED , KEITH GETS TO HIS FEET ,HE PLACES THE RING

ON HER FINGER.LORRAINE MOVES BEWTEEN THEM TO LOOK AT THE RING.

Gertie:Marry me?
Keith:Yes I want you as my wife , if you can forgive me for not
explaining things yesterday.That's if there's nobody else.

THE PENNY DROPS , GERTIE JUMPS UP AND EMBRACES KEIT