decisions and revisions by Foster

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Wed, 2006-06-14 14:59

http://www.abctales.com/story/foster/decisions-and-revisions-0

I think this is a wonderful story with a fascinating plot. I really like the idea of the narrator testing the concept of decision and indecision. The story is also plausible and doesn't leave too many annoying questions.

However I still think the prose would benefit from more work. In the first chapter the POV jumps from the professor to Jacob and I would keep it with Jacob.

"The class ended shortly after. As the students filed out, Jacob kept his seat. Through the commotion of another ended lecture, two sets of eyes were fixed on the other, one projecting contempt, the other questioning its source. Once the room had emptied, Jacob stood and went the way of his classmates.

I got confused by this para ' I assume it is Jacob and the professor ' but I am not sure you need it at all as the following paragraph makes Jacob's feelings quite clear ' nicely done.

I found the start to chapter 2, too descriptive with little action, describe the alleyway as Jacob interacts with it rather than as an observer, imo I don't think you need quite as much description.

Be ruthless with static moments when you tell and not show, I think it could be tightened in these areas, but then expanded in the more interesting stuff, like is imaginary conversations with his professor and T.S. Eliot.

I liked the final chapter the best, grounded in dialogue it moved along well with a humane resolution.

a really satisfying read.

juliet

Thu, 2006-06-15 03:29

Foster

Thanks for this, Juliet. I've made the easy changes, but the more difficult suggestions will have to be thought about. I love the idea of bringing out the imaginary conversations - that will surely be worked on. Took most of that unnecessary paragraph out of part one - very good suggestion. Also, changes to the opening of part two will be considered, I've been working on this one for a while - thanks for the help. Foster.

Thu, 2006-06-15 11:10

tcook

I've just read the revised version and I think the improvements are excellent. It's a beautifully written piece and I really enjoyed reading it. But - why is there always a but - I think it could be even better. Whilst Jacob is set on the decision/indecision thing and the test he sets himself is great I didn't really understand why he wanted to commit suicide in the first place. He is an intelligent person whose life has gone a tad down the tubes - his wife is promiscuous and he's lost his job. But that's insufficient reason for suicide - even in a desperate moment. I think he maybe needs a more compelling reason. The obvious addition would be that he has been diagnosed with an incurable disease which will cause a lingering and painful death - and then the diagnosis is rescinded. But that's old hat. It needs something along those lines though. And then it needs another twist. The killer needs, possibly, to be saved by Jacob - pulled from a burning car, for example. That would explain the reason for their conversation in the first place and could also be abut the addition of chance into the decision making process. I'm possibly trying to add far too much and the story's simplicity and directness could work far better than my ideas. I merely suggest them to you, Foster, because the story got me thinking - which tells you of its power in its present form!

Fri, 2006-06-16 02:02

Foster

Glad you enjoyed this one, Tony. Interesting suggestions - thank you. You should write more with an imagination like that... As for plausibility, in the headlines yesterday was a man who, when his wife called to say she wanted a divorce, kidnapped their two sons, was successful in killing one of them, and failed in his attempt to kill the other as well as himself - they're both in the hospital. This kind of stuff happens all the time over here. http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/06/14/brothers.abducted.ap/index.html As for the story, I'm going to see if I can work some of those changes in - you know how I like twists. Thanks again. foster.

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