New Stories
By The Walrus
A collection of stories that are, surprisingly enough, pretty new. And often very strange. And other things besides, good buddies, things that I don't intend to go into right now. Enjoy!
- Log in to post comments
- 1523 reads
Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part Two)
“How do I know that this isn't your lair? How do I know you're not an unspeakable carnivorous demon? You certainly look the part."
- Read more about Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part Two)
- 2 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 970 reads
A Few Sandwiches Short Of A Picnic (Part One)
It was late afternoon and Greasy Joe's was almost empty, so the clutch of lorry drivers sitting at the table under the window that they regarded as their sovereign territory were free to misbehave.
- Read more about A Few Sandwiches Short Of A Picnic (Part One)
- 5 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1245 reads
A Few Sandwiches Short Of A Picnic (Part Two)
“No dribbling Joe, please. Can I order four coffees? No sugar, just a spot of milk and a sweetener in two of them – us girls have to watch our waistlines.”
- Read more about A Few Sandwiches Short Of A Picnic (Part Two)
- 6 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1360 reads
Absurdia, or The Grand Cockerel (Dave's bloody play)
Absurdia is a classy play for well-bred audiences. Not suitable for weirdos or thrill seekers.
- Read more about Absurdia, or The Grand Cockerel (Dave's bloody play)
- 7 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1780 reads
Christmas Special (part five)
"The management are test running a revolutionary new assessment process, but it's not a covert psychological test or anyfink like that....."
- Read more about Christmas Special (part five)
- Log in to post comments
- 517 reads
Christmas Special (part four)
When it snows ain't it thrillin', though your balls get a chillin', we'll frolic and play the Eskimo way walking in a winter wonderland.
- Read more about Christmas Special (part four)
- 5 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1278 reads
Christmas Special (part nine)
"No, you-fucking-well-can't-have-a-lock-of-my-chest-hair, you-little-perv.....”
- Read more about Christmas Special (part nine)
- 2 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 894 reads
Christmas Special (part one)
“'Ome?” Peter said. “Fucking 'ome? It's Christmas Eve!"
- Read more about Christmas Special (part one)
- 11 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 2203 reads
Christmas Special (part six)
"they're gonna whittle my knackers to petit pois with a cheese grater, suck my eyes out and fry me lightly in a garlic and ginger sauce....."
- Read more about Christmas Special (part six)
- Log in to post comments
- 592 reads
Christmas Special (part three)
Later on we'll conspire as we cringe by the fire, to face so afraid our plans now unmade, walking in a winter wonderland.
- Read more about Christmas Special (part three)
- 2 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 930 reads
Christmas Special (part two)
"Me boots are 'eavy, me knickers are tight, me bollocks are swinging from left to right, left, left, left right left.....”
- Read more about Christmas Special (part two)
- 3 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 864 reads
Dead Man Walking (Part One)
"Please God, if you give a toss, turn back time and make amends for this unforgivable sin."
- Read more about Dead Man Walking (Part One)
- 2 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 818 reads
Dead Man Walking (Part Two)
Grow grow the lightening tree!
- Read more about Dead Man Walking (Part Two)
- 3 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 990 reads
Mr. Cold (Part One)
“'Ello 'ello 'ello, what's all this, then?” a voice said from the cover of the trees to his right, the unexpected intrusion stopping him in his tracks.
- Read more about Mr. Cold (Part One)
- 6 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1639 reads
Mr. Cold (Part Two)
“My name is Cold Adelline Cold I live in a yellow submarine in the summer and an igloo in the winter....."
- Read more about Mr. Cold (Part Two)
- 3 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 2011 reads
Glitch (Part Four)
Norton sat in a stony silence for maybe ten or fifteen minutes, but it seemed like hours.
- Read more about Glitch (Part Four)
- 4 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1131 reads
Glitch (Part One)
A glowing golden centipede a good four feet long walked into the room through the solid brick wall behind the TV.
- Read more about Glitch (Part One)
- 4 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1063 reads
Glitch (Part Three)
The canvas began to shimmer and buckle as if looking at it through a heat haze.
- Read more about Glitch (Part Three)
- Log in to post comments
- 514 reads
Glitch (Part Two)
“Are you aware that an entity has just materialised on your hearth rug?”
- Read more about Glitch (Part Two)
- 2 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 952 reads
Turd
This story is about, well, a turd.
- Read more about Turd
- 6 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1708 reads
Flat Nine
If you like the idea of human table lamps and sexually attractive ethnic minority kitchen appliances this is the story for you. Maybe.....
- Read more about Flat Nine
- 14 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 2828 reads
Helter Skelter (part one)
The end of the world is nigh! Oh shit, it already happened.....
- Read more about Helter Skelter (part one)
- 2 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1352 reads
Helter Skelter (part four)
"It was an absolute doddle," you say, "because you've never met a man that you couldn't twist around your little finger?"
- Read more about Helter Skelter (part four)
- 2 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 780 reads
The Dark Place
A little wind-up tin-plate monkey had rudely been tucked into the waistband of his underpants, and it continued frantically clapping its cymbals together.
- Read more about The Dark Place
- 8 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1824 reads
Elsewhere (The Walrus's Story) Part One
Have you got a Facebook account? Hasn't every fucker, you say. As a matter of fact, no, not everyone has a Facebook account.
- Read more about Elsewhere (The Walrus's Story) Part One
- 9 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 2030 reads
Elsewhere (The Walrus's Story) Part Two
When I checked out my Facebook account everything was hunky dory, apart from the following outlandish entry.....
- Read more about Elsewhere (The Walrus's Story) Part Two
- 3 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1393 reads
Elsewhere (The Walrus's Story) Part Three
No, I reflected hurriedly - the thing's fangs were way too big to belong to any lion. It was a sabre toothed sodding tiger.....
- Read more about Elsewhere (The Walrus's Story) Part Three
- 3 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 979 reads
Elsewhere (The Walrus's Story) Part Four
Clarence is the name, Clarence Peculiar Goatsucker at your service - no relation to the Chupacabras, the mysterious Latin American swine. Pleased to meet you, I'm sure.
- Read more about Elsewhere (The Walrus's Story) Part Four
- 7 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1640 reads
Mr. Taylor
If that isn't temptation for perverts and rapists and bloody paedophiles, I don't know what is.....
- Read more about Mr. Taylor
- 8 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 2075 reads
Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part One)
Shit, what is this, a word association test? Pugh, Pugh, Barney, McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub – it's neither of those fuckers either, is it?”
- Read more about Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part One)
- 10 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 2208 reads
Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part Three)
"Identify yerselves, or prepare to pay the muther-fuckin' consequences.”
- Read more about Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part Three)
- 4 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1010 reads
Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part Four)
“I'm ecstatic, ectoplasmic, I'm orgasmic-fantastic! I'm a Rockabilly rebel, and I suck out drunken monkey brains.”
- Read more about Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part Four)
- 2 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 756 reads
Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part Six)
“Yes, you – the purty little white boy. Are you deaf, dippy or both? Get your scrawny ass over here, I wanna feast my hungry black eyes on your naked, Caucasian English splendour.”
- Read more about Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part Six)
- 2 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 694 reads
Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part Seven)
"If you're about to lose control of your sphincter muscle kindly step outside - I like to keep my hovel as clean as possible under the circumstances."
- Read more about Five-Oh-Six-Three (Part Seven)
- 2 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 874 reads
The Storymaker (Part One)
"If I wasn't here to keep you in line you'd die of malnutrition. Shit, I don't think you'd even remember to take a dump unless I reminded you....."
- Read more about The Storymaker (Part One)
- 4 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1034 reads
The Storymaker (Part Two)
For almost two years now he had been a member of an online Writers' group called XYZ Tales, and everything changed after he joined that group.....
- Read more about The Storymaker (Part Two)
- 12 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1953 reads
The Storymaker (Part Three)
“You want adventure, you Buffalo faced bastard?” the Storymaker growled. “I'll give you a bloody adventure, you nauseating prick.”
- Read more about The Storymaker (Part Three)
- 3 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 922 reads
The Storymaker (Part Four)
He only kept a single can in the house so that he wouldn't be tempted to cheat, because when it came to alcohol he was as weak as a baby.....
- Read more about The Storymaker (Part Four)
- Log in to post comments
- 447 reads
The Storymaker (Part Five)
Any minute now Buffalo Mozzarella is going to deliver his coup de grace, after a suitable interval so that he can enjoy the thought of you stewing in your socks, of course.
- Read more about The Storymaker (Part Five)
- Log in to post comments
- 428 reads
The Storymaker (Part Six)
all your chunky wifey really wants is to hear the dulcet tones of your voice to brighten up her otherwise miserable days, but you're too bloody stupid to realise that.
- Read more about The Storymaker (Part Six)
- Log in to post comments
- 484 reads
The Storymaker (Part Seven)
“Come on, baby!” Gordon encouraged his elderly computer. “You can do it, I know you can - my daughter installed lots of lovely updates for me the last time she was here.”
- Read more about The Storymaker (Part Seven)
- Log in to post comments
- 472 reads
The Storymaker (Part Eight)
'Outside is a whole lot worse than inside, so don't even think about trying to escape.....'
- Read more about The Storymaker (Part Eight)
- Log in to post comments
- 595 reads
The Storymaker (Part Nine)
“Don't give me the sedative, Hannah,” Gordon croaked. “I don't want it.”
- Read more about The Storymaker (Part Nine)
- 13 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 2850 reads
Muddypuddle
“Muddypuddle. Muddypuddle. Muddypu – that's not this shit-hole's real name!”
- Read more about Muddypuddle
- Log in to post comments
- 500 reads
The Blue Sky Boy
“My name is Aaron, and it's my duty to bring you bad tidings.”
- Read more about The Blue Sky Boy
- 4 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1123 reads
The Dribble Bowl
My dribble bowl has tremendous sentimental value, and I inherited it from a long line of semi-aquatic fruitcake ancestors. We're all born with magnificent tusks and webbed hands and feet-cum-flippers - before the surgeons tidy us up, that is.
- Read more about The Dribble Bowl
- 6 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1266 reads
The End Of The Rainbow
A kid who just won't go to sleep.....
- Read more about The End Of The Rainbow
- 10 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1910 reads
The Clockwork Steed (Part One)
Bucephalus's gas piston driven steel hooves beat out a steady, relentless rhythm as she crossed the rough, rubble strewn wasteland beyond the settlement.
- Read more about The Clockwork Steed (Part One)
- Log in to post comments
- 457 reads
The Clockwork Steed (Part Two)
“'Tis a winged steel hoss, harridan,” he replied, “a beautiful Clockwork Steed, your eyes should tell you that."
- Read more about The Clockwork Steed (Part Two)
- 4 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1079 reads
On Potters' Field (Part One)
“Who are you?” she said, sitting up. “And what are you?”
- Read more about On Potters' Field (Part One)
- 5 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1267 reads
On Potters' Field (Part Two)
“Consider it a gift,” Thomekin said. “It's a flying robe, you're one with the birds.....”
- Read more about On Potters' Field (Part Two)
- 3 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 778 reads
Salmon Ella
“I'm salmonella,” a little voice whispered in Cliff's ear, threatening to drag him from his incomparably snug slumbers. “I'm salmonella, fly me.”
- Read more about Salmon Ella
- 5 comments
- Log in to post comments
- 1349 reads
Comments
Boo!