Work Diary, 3/6/03
Yesterday I was in the restroom washing my hands when I looked into the
mirror and saw that I'd forgotten to wear a belt. My hair was sticking
up in back like I'd just woken up, and there was a dark patch under my
chin I missed with the razor. I am a complete failure as a gay man. My
shirt had dog hair on it and the tops of my shoes were covered in mud
splotches. My undershirt was frayed; I don't watch "Six Feet Under" or
"Trading Spaces"?
?rayon gives me a rash;
?I am a loner;
?I think politically incorrect gay jokes are hilarious;
?I truly do believe New York is a great place to visit, but I wouldn't
want to live there;
?discussions about Armani's new collection, circuit parties, and/or
Madonna make me want to run screaming from the room;
?I view Barbara Streisand as a sociopathic control freak who has cold
rabbit eyes;
?I think anything with the name "Versace" attached to it is best
avoided;
?musicals embarrass me;
?I believe corduroy pants should remain in fashion from the moment you
buy them until your relatives are deciding which pair to bury you
in;
?I will eat out of a saucepan;
?I consider massage as relaxing as a boric acid enema;
?I get confused very, very easily in the techno section of the music
store;
?I have the decorating sense of a brain-damaged Martha Stewart;
?in the mornings I wear a brown plaid robe and two-dollar slippers I
bought at Payless;
?the chances of me ever using steroids are right up there with me
writing, directing, and starring in my own smash Broadway hit;
?I would rather eat raw snails - shells and all - than wear a thong in
public;
?I actually bought my dog as a pet, not as a date-magnet;
?I haven't further ruined the already peeling paint on my car with a
rainbow flag sticker;
?I have no tattoos or piercings;
?I'm looking forward to going bald;
?my fortieth birthday seems more like a goal to me than a death
sentence;
?if I went to Paris, it's highly unlikely I would sit around in a
coffee shop talking about it;
?I believe all-gay cruise ships are a form of punishment, not a
vacation;
?I couldn't care less if anti-gay factions get used to me or not;
?the Gay Olympics seriously make me question the sanity of the
participants;
?I haven't vacuumed or dusted my house for two months;
?I believe country-western clothing on gay men is just another form of
drag;
?I do not shudder dramatically at the mere mention of female
anatomy;
?I'm not a registered Democrat;
?I would rather scientists not discover a gay gene;
?I don't think driving an SUV while wearing a baseball cap makes me
more masculine;
?gay novels bore me;
?I wish advertisers were still ignoring the gay market;
?I do not believe every man has a bit of bisexuality in him;
?I have no desire to publicly out movie stars in order to feel better
about myself;
?I refuse to believe in a stagnant gay "culture";
?I believe the clothes, car, cologne, and shoes detract from the man,
not make him;
?I wish straight men would quit co-opting sensitivity so I could tell
everyone apart again;
?I believe Liza Minelli is proof that Judy Garland is not one to
emulate;
?I think caviar tastes exactly like what it is;
?I wish Calvin Klein and his billboards would just go away;
?I think mimosas are a waste of perfectly good booze;
?I am me first, and gay?maybe third or fourth?
Bad queen! No croissant!
