WORSHIPFUL DEBT

Debt:

That state where income divided by expenditure

equals less than one......

A DEBT OF YOUR WORSHIPFULNESS

N
estling in its own unique brand of congenial nonentity deep amidst the
county shires of Toddlesworth on the Pee lies the mini hamlet of
Middlethorpe in the Mire. Usually this was a quiet and restful
place...a place of goodwill, harmony and love thy neighbour...but don't
get caught. At this moment however, the aforesaid air of peace and
harmony was giving way to one of frosted hostility over a matter of
debt.

The two major protagonists were Albert Stoic esquire, the Worshipful
Mayor of Middlethorpe and Constable Arthur Floggit, local PC, and
Middlethorpe's equivalent of Sherlock Holmes, Dick Barton and PC Plod
rolled into one and a half.

A degree of animosity had existed for some while between these two
gentlemen ever since P.C. Floggit had dared to suggest the Middlethorpe
was far to small to justify a Mayor and in turn Albert Stoic had
suggested that there was no need for a policeman in Middlethorpe since
there was hardly a crime wave in the district.

He cited the fact that the only recorded misdemeanor in living memory
was a case of shop-lifting upon which occasion Percy Golightly's cocker
spaniel had illegally purloined two pork chops and three pounds of home
made pork and sage sausages from Alistair Tatum's butchers shop. The
culprit was positively identified by the plaintiff legging it at a high
rate of knots down the High Street with a goodly proportion of the
booty dragging along the pavement.

A posse was rapidly formed comprising of Lady Soames-Egrevolds prize
poodle, Albert Stoics own labrador, two Siamese cats and a stray
Dachshund. The suspect finally went to ground under the cricket
pavilion where he was cornered by the posse after about five minutes.
(ten minutes in the case of the Dachshund who couldn't run so fast)
Copious quantities of the evidence were then consumed and a good time
was had by all.

Since then Arthur's other attempts to bring the full force of the law
to the Middlethorpe residents had failed abysmally.

Attempts to nick Brian Belcher for failing to carry suitable bucket and
shovel to clear up after his horse had fallen on stony ground, since
the relevant piece of legislation, The Horses and Horse Drawn Carriages
and Wagons (Miscellaneous Droppings) Bye Law, had itself been dropped
(repealed) in 1927.

Such animosity had increased in recent years between the aforementioned
since the Mayor had no jurisdiction over the Police...That was a
Toddlesworth District responsibility.

"That man has ideas above his station." he had said to Freda, his wife
the Lady Mayoress...

"And before you say anything I KNOW Middlethorpe hasn't got a police
station but that's beside the point!"

At this moment however it seemed that Arthur was emerging as the winner
in this war of words. The resourceful constable had managed to concoct
a number of very shrewd property deals. Slowly and deliberately Arthur
had built up an impressive portfolio with the result that The
Worshipful Mayor now owed Arthur money...Lots of money....

"Got 'Im banged to rights." bragged Arthur to anyone who cared to
listen in the lounge bar of the Wise Owl Tavern "Let's see him get his
brief on this one. Unless he comes across with the dough he could be in
for a five stretch at least."

Arthur loved Cops and Robbers movies...But of course you'd guessed
that.

Albert Stoic on the other hand was getting desperate. He was skint,
busted, flat broke and generally financially embarrassed.

Sam Fludgates was the Manager of the local branch of the Toddlesworth
and District Mercantile Bank and it was to Sam that Albert turned for
advice. It was a grim faced Sam who sat opposite Albert after hearing
the situation....

"You see it's purely a cash flow problem, Sam, nothing I can't
handle...merely a temporary shortage of funds..I mean, you know as well
as I do that I've got a number of property deals round the
corner..and..well..when they come off..I'm quids in."

"IF they come off." replied Sam. "As your friend, Albert, of course I
sympathise with your problem...but as a banker..well I would need some
form of security..some collateral...Have you any liquid assets at
all?"

"Practically nothing," admitted Albert.."I've had to mortgage it all
you see..I've got a few shares in the Electricity Company I could sell
at a push...I got a bit put by in Railway stock...prior to
privatisation and all that, but that's about it..."

"Well as far as I can see" opined Sam, "you only have one choice which
you'll have to face up to.."

"What!" exclaimed His Worshipfulness. "Admit defeat to that over
inflated egotistic little upstart! NEVER! Listen, Sam, we've been
friends for years. I need a favour...Just a short term loan."

"Albert." replied Sam sympathetically. "I'd like to help but, well, I
have my reputation to consider as well as the good name of the bank.
Now you know as well as I that I've turned a blind to a number of the
Council's hair brained schemes where the income was never going to
cover the expenditure.You personally are the only customer our bank's
got that gets paid interest on his overdraft..Frankly, what you suggest
now borders on the illegal. Now you know the mood our Arthur's in,
blimey he'd have me in blinkin' jail if I bailed you out now."

"So you think the position's hopeless?" asked Albert, a sound of
resignation now entering his voice. Before Sam could answer Albert
chipped in.............
"Have you got any real money on you Sam?"

"Eh?...A few quid....Why?"

"Two pints please Fred.....Sam's payin'...."

"Look Albert, " continued Sam...resigned to the fact that he'd been
neatly conned into buying the beer..."I do realise how much it means to
you losing the semi finals of the area Monopoly championships but if
our Arthur really has got Mayfair and Park Lane with hotels on..then
you've either got to come up with about three thousand quid or declare
yourself bankrupt....."