Here's One To Try

The trick is simple. You just need the guts.
Simply fill an old house with hot young things
(Be selective - it's no fun at all if they're sluts,)

and electrify. The best are smallholdings
in Norfolk - not very well earthed, you see.
Then, the next time the telephone rings

Bzt! Girls'll be marshmallow. Electricity
will lace every room. The kettle'll kick,
the TV'll buck, sockets'll spit merrily,

the bulbs'll blow, the whole worktop'll tick
like a whip, and every brass lampstand'll
hum. Just act concerned. Not too slick.

Bernice'll make for the cellar with a candle
but her hand will stop like a hovering copter.
"Can I... can I touch the door handle?"

Belinda wants out. Don't try to stop her.
She'll wheel right round once she gets to the hall,
pinning her lip with a fang, and flop there.

Use your mobile. Give your mate a call.
Best to have the conversation practiced.
Tell them someone's coming round to sort it all,

but not til tomorrow. Then get them pissed.