The sun doesn’t stream when I wake to the soft beeping of my alarm on the phone, I linger a while on the bed today even though it is more out of appreciation that I feel restful than the usual need for one more second of sleep. I jump into the shower, ordinary really. I always take long showers, standing in the water even long after the necessities are dispensed with. I get an idea, a conversation that I had the day before lingers in my mind. A trip I had planned that failed to materialise because...well the reason doesn’t matter now. I can see myself, the light bulb above my head turning into fireworks. I know that I will carry it with me the whole day.
Everything depends on how well I get through this day, it is all planned out. I am going to go and surprise them both, it was my fault after all that I wouldn’t get to see them, her smiling at me and him shying away from my strange face clambering onto her for protection. It’s been months. He walks now, I hear.
I remember him banging on my keypad with sugary hands full of baby drool. There was a time where that would have scared me half to death, but right then I just cleaned his hands so that there was minimal damage done to my laptop. All the times we rolled on the bed, me trying and hoping that I could do something else other than just watch him, those murderous days when he couldn’t sleep and would cry for what seemed like hours on end. It broke my heart. So here I am having come so close to seeing him again and ruined it...for whatever reason.
I miss the faces that he used to make, the truck noises, the odd noises, his big inquisitive eyes staring at me as he smiled that big toothless smile that was the source of all the light in my mother’s house. So today as I got ready for the day, I thanked the lord out loud that I finally see it now. I was always up to me whether I went or not. Because here I am not one obstacle less and headed home on that long road. I imagine the surprise on my aunts face when I pop out from the hedges. One full day is what I have to give and I intend to give it fully.
I remember how happy I was when I managed to rock him to sleep by singing to him, or when he cried for me...for me. All of a sudden this empty void has meaning. Today I am more determined to get all I can done so that when It comes down to it I can spend that day carefree and happy. Everything that I do has more purpose. It’s kind of amazing what a new life brings.My heart is full again, something that I thought I knew to be impossible.