The Coin made its first prey on a man who deserved it, Mr. Eddy Shultz.
Eddy was a businessman. A rich one at that. He didn't do anything sinful, he was simply greedy. He had more money than he knew what to do with, but didn't share it. He didn't give to any charities, churches, or even his son, who instead grew up on the streets with his mother, who also didn't receive any of Eddie's fortune, despite much pleading.
Walking by a poor homeless man, Eddie 'accidentally' kicked down his changed bucket. A single penny rolled out.
"I'll take that" said Eddie, not passing up the chance for some extra change to bathe in.
"Please sir..." said the homeless man. "I need all I can get..."
"Finders keepers!" said Eddie. "Should have picked up your money faster!"
For Eddie, this was him at his best. When he got to his desk, he examined his loot.
The penny was very scratched up. The only reason he knew it was a penny was that it was copper. It must have been very old.
He looked at the year. The only thing he could see was a 0 at the end. Weird.
He put it in his pocket, and awaited his next meeting, a client who usually bought out half their stock on fourth quarter.
"Hi Mr. Chultz!" he said.
"How de do!" said Shultz, his large stomach bouncing. "Let's get down to business, shall we?"
As it turned out, The client was in a good mood. He had just learned that his wife was pregnant, something they had been trying for for years.
"I guess it's your lucky day!" said the man. "we are going to buy double the paper, so 5,000 units."
5,000! That was double the paper! Double the money!
The men shook hands, and as soon as it started, the meeting was over.
As the day went on, Mr. Chultz's day got better. He got the last seat on the bus, he found a wristwatch on the ground. Around the beginning of the evening, a telephone pole fell right next to him.
"Oh, god, are you ok? Lucky you didn't get hit!" said a passerby. Lucky. Eddy felt the penny jingling in his pocket.
Unfazed by the accident, and realizing that this may really be his lucky day, Eddy went to the Lottery.
Instead of buying one ticket, he bought all 127 in the bucket,
"Are you sure?" said the clerk. "That will be almost 300 dollars!"
"Yessiree!" said Eddy. "all of em!"
"That's great!" said the clerk. "I can finally buy that new truck!"
When the lotto numbers came onto the television screen, Eddy, grasping the lucky penny, spent two hours going through his lotto tickets to find the numbers. The last ones he found were right.
Jumping with joy, Eddy almost skipped to the lottery office the next day.
Just feet away from the door, he did not notice the truck driving in the road.
----
"I swear, I didn't see him!" said the Clerk, clearly disoriented. "He came into my shop yesterday and bought over a hundred tickets..." he looked at the mangled body. "I bought this here truck, and god he's dead. I'm so sorry...." he threw up into the nearest trash can.
From the body rolled a single penny. Almost nothing could be seen on it, because of the collision, the authorities thought, except one number, on the end of the year.
It said 1.
Comments
ItsSteveDave | May 18, 2012 - 12:26
Hi Aeronaut,
This is an interesting idea indeed - I especially like the ending, with the 1 appearing on the penny - I can definately see how this could be a series. So yes, I like the structure of the story, and the moral behind it.
Be careful with consistency of spelling though, as Shultz became Chultz a couple of times, and Eddie became Eddy.
'As the day went on, Mr. Chultz's day got better. He got the last seat on the bus, he found a wristwatch on the ground. Around the beginning of the evening, a telephone pole fell right next to him.'
I'd like to hear more about the rest of his day - the wristwatch and the telephone pole could make for a couple of extra paragraphs and a bit more drama!
Ok, one more thing, (just one!). You say Eddie 'didn't do anything sinful', but I'd say that kicking over a homeless person's change is very sinful indeed! Also, greed, or gluttony at least, is one of the '7 deadly sins', so I guess you could consider him as sinful.
I hope this is the sort of constructive crit you are looking for - Its easy to post something and then never revisit it - I am fairly new to writing, or at least taking it a bit more seriously now, and am just now seeing the benefits of coming back to my work and editing multiple times to get everything flowing correctly. It's a very rewarding process.
Look forward to seeing more from you soon.
Cheers, Steve.
steve_elliott04 | May 18, 2012 - 12:33
A very interesting story that has a great deal of potential. There are a few things that could be improved upon here. Firstly, you state that this is a horror story. I can see by the ending how this can be a horror story, but you could do a lot more in building the atmosphere, adding descriptions etc. By doing this, the 'horror' of the story will be become more apparent.
Perhaps you planned to write a positive story up until the last section, in order to shock the reader. This method comes across fairly well here, but what is written before needs a little more strength in order for the ending to be most effective. That way, the you will pack a considerably larger punch with Eddy's death.
I really love the idea of the coin and the number. The last line works perfectly! It just feels a little like you have skipped towards that ending, resulting in a lack of essence to the story as a whole. Take some time to fill out the bare bones with flesh, and really make the plot and characters come to life.
Hope this helps!!
All the best,
Steve.
grover | May 18, 2012 - 15:00
It's not really got into the head of the main character and I didn't feel pulled in by Eddie. It wasn't really a horror without much background about the penny. If a demon stalked Eddie and gave him the penny then that is more horror. As it is it's a guy who got lucky then got run over. The style was too light and lacked atmosphere for a horror. Expand the character and make us care about him more.
StJimmy | May 18, 2012 - 15:18
"It said 1." I got straight up chills from that! I also love the whole concept behind it, with some ordinary object (a penny) being some murderous being. And I like the idea of it giving its victims a lucky day before killing them. How awful would it be to die on one of the best days of your life? I get the idea that it feeds off that despair that undoubtedly goes through the minds of its victims just before they pass from this life.
So, what you've got here is a pretty good short story that has potential for being truly great. It could benefit from some more length. Add in more details, make it more visual for the reader. Bring in some more characterization, too. These are things I struggle with myself. There's also a few spelling inconsistencies, but those aren't rather easy to fix.
One last thing. The ending is a tad bit rushed. I feel that dragging it out a little more, and adding to the atmosphere of it would be beneficial to the horror nature of this story. The contrast is there already, but bringing in some more will undoubtedly improve the story.
I hope I've given you some helpful advice here, and I look forward to reading more horror output from you!
StJimmy