The chopper crossed into the Demonline. It shook with power.
"Ye-Haw!" Hardcase shouted.
The chopper's interior turned bright purple.
"I can't believe Lace is sleeping," the Commander said. "Someone wake her up."
Although the chopper was shaking violently, it didn't phase Kamikaze who was meditating.
Hardcase stood, "I'll hold onto Lace."
He knelt beside her. She brought a blade to his belly.
"You touch me, and it's your ass," Lace said.
A jolt of turbulence knocked Hardcase on his ass. A second jolt rocked the chopper. It was difficult any of them to stay in one place. Stored weapons fell from overhead compartments. The Commander made his way to the chopper's communication device.
"Something isn't right," the Commander said. "Our angle is all wrong."
The chopper copped with another impact.
The Commander got back to his feet and opened the cockpit. The pilot had been beheaded. His blood covered the windshield in streaks. The road below raced to greet them.
"Holy shit!"
He tossed the corpse from its chair and grabbed the control stick.
Hardcase poked his head into the cockpit, "What the hell happened to the pilot, his head is missing?"
"Get your ass on the other stick! I need help pulling her out of this dive."
Hardcase pulled back on the control stick sitting in the co-pilot chair.
"Pull hard!"
"I'm pulling as hard as possible," Hardcase replied. "She's not going to give."
"We're going down, like it or not."
Hardcase smiled. "On the evil side of the Demonline. I've been waiting for this chance. We can go after the man who started all this shit."
"We have to aim for the river. It's our only hope."
They struggled hard, and managed to turn the chopper enough. The Commander stood and made his way to the rear, "Strap down. Quick and dirty!"
Kamikaze was already strapped down, "Situation noted. You should strap down yourself."
The chopper smashed into the river. The Commander bounced off the inner structure and instantly lost consciousness. The interior lights failed. The chopper began to sink. The acid concentrate that was the Demon Tear river had begun to compromise the chopper's hull.
Hardcase's cybernetic chest lit the darkness. The light beam struck Kamikaze.
"Over here," Commander Straight said.
His face was covered in blood.
"Jesus, what's your situation?"
"I can only guess. Sound out, brigadiers."
"Hardcase. .. Live and kicking!"
"Kamikaze. .. Live and kicking!"
There was no reply from Lace, the Commander wasn't worried, she was a tough brigadier.
The hull of the chopper groaned.
"Lace. .. Live and kicking!"
"Good, we're sinking in Demon Tear river. I don't have to tell you what it's doing to the hull. Arm yourselves."
The brigadiers gathered weapons, and the chopper rocked knocking them all off their feet.
"We feel airborne again."
"Son of a bitch! Open the door. I want out of this tin can."
"I'm on it now," Kamikaze said.
He pulled two swords, slashed the door, blue sparks showered the area with each slash, and the split halves of door fell to the lake below.
"We are airborne again."
A glowing large eye peered inside.
"It's a demon," Kamikaze gasped and slashed out with his sword.
The demon roared, tossed the chopper, and it slammed down in the center of a crumbled roadway. It slid down the center, throwing sparks, until it stopped with the aid of an abandoned tractor-trailer. They lay sprawled about like broken toys.
Small demons approached the wreckage, the smell of blood enticed them. Forty of the little demons surrounded the chopper, and one was brave enough to approach the open hatch. It crawled into the chopper, saliva dripped from its mouth. It took the Commanders left arm in its clawed hands.
The Commander sprung to life, holding a minigun, and he sprayed the little demons with short ammo saving bursts. Bodies exploded, limbs separated, and the area was alive with their shrieks.
"Piece of shit Scavengers!"
Hardcase stood, pulled a handgun, and chased down a scavenger before he blew its head off. "Yee-Haw, just like shooting rats back on the farm!"
"Enough, Hardcase. We've much bigger things to worry about."
Kamikaze stood nursing his broken arm, and checked on Lace, "You all right, Lace, can you hear me?"
Lace lifted her face from a pool of blood, which leaked fresh from her nose, "Son of a bitch! I've lost two of my teeth."
"We've got to get our asses moving, brigadiers. We'll be swamped by countless creatures soon." The Commander swung the turret of his minigun to his back. "We could take them on, but we don't have enough firepower at the moment. Grab a communications-satellite, Hardcase. Let's find a safe location to launch it. We've got to inform main base of our situation and await further orders."
"Will do," he replied and entered the chopper wreckage. He searched around a cluttered mass of crates and opened one, to a trashed communications-satellite. "Just great," he lifted one of the boxes, carried it from the wreckage, and placed it on the ground in from of the Commander.
"What's this?"
"Our communications-sattelite."
"It's useless. Find another one."
"No can do," he kicked the box. "They all look like that."
The Commander shook his head, "Can't be helped. Let's move out."
"I don't believe this shit. We're in the middle of the hornets nest, and we've been pissing them off for
years," he said and pulled a shotgun with a smile. "Freaking fantastic!"
Comments
Coatsley | August 13, 2012 - 13:12
I can see what you're trying to do with this piece; you say it yourself in the description of this collection - 'grindhouse'. I'll admit, I find the premise interesting, and it certainly has the potential for a gutsy, visceral, action-packed story to it, but I'm afraid at the moment I'm finding the narrative... sparse is perhaps the best term.
Now, I've written pulp before, so I know that no one wants to get bogged down in flowery details and purple prose. But on the other hand, what I think you have here is the bones of a first chapter (good bones, I'll add), but in your drive for a gritty, action show feel you've left out the meat. And that's what grindhouse is really about: the bloody chunks of meat that the story provides you with.
The main problem here is the lack of feedback. Things happen, then more things happen, then some other things happen. There's very little reaction to these things from the characters or the story-world itself. For example, the crashing of the helicopter is four lines long; the Commander takes a minigun to a demonic hoarde and it occupies even less. More details, more specifics, would really add a lot to the work, I think, and give it more of that grindhouse feel you're looking for.
Pace is a good thing, and this chapter moves damn quick, but don't be afraid to let us relish in the intricacies of the scenes. Instead of giving us a generalised, quick summation of a minigun killing spree, describe how a few of the demons popped, or were torn to pieces. Describe the demons themselves; give us a visualisation of just how horrible and nightmarish they are. The same goes for outside the action too: why is Hardcase enjoying the chopper ride, how does the chopper feel as it starts crashing, what horrible things does the demonic river do to the hull?
It's those sorts of snippets that'll make your story come to life, rather than simply be a series of events. Hope that proves helpful.
Bryan Skylar | August 13, 2012 - 16:11
If I did what you suggest with this book, there is no way it could be rated PG. It would have strong language, extreme violence, blood and guts, maybe even some nudity. And I've learned readers these days are green. They steer clear from that kind of literature like it has the plauge. That is why you got the PG version. I love Grindhouse and Graphic Novels that go beyond the limit of all the rules.
I loved 'Machete', 'Planet Terror', and 'Deathproof.' I even still love the 'Kill Bill series of films. However, if I ever want to get read, and be slightly like Stephen King. Writing true Grindhouse like I want would only offend.
mikepyro | August 13, 2012 - 17:18
You can't limit yourself just because of what you think other people would accept. Works like Blood Meridian and American Psycho are published and they overflow with extreme violence.
My work Animal is very violent and a western yet I've managed to find some interested parties.
Coatsley | August 13, 2012 - 18:53
The concept of 'PG Grindhouse' is the same as saying 'hot snow' or 'dry puddles' - something of a contradiction in terms. Mikepyro is entirely correct: write what most excites you, because you won't appeal to everyone, so it's better to appeal at least to people who share your passion rather than pandering to all conceivable camps.
Besides, regardless of the rating on your stories, you seem to have missed the point I was going for, and for that I apologise. Whether or not you add gore, nudity or even a muscial number, what I said about your storytelling still stands: it needs more detail. What you have right now is a solid bone structure - the outline if you will, and now you really need to add the colours, the shading, the -life- to your story. I'm not saying you need to add more blood and guts (that was purely a suggestion based on the general subject matter of the piece).
I'm simply saying you need more. Period.
Bryan Skylar | August 14, 2012 - 01:18
That is your opinion of course. I'll take it with a grain of salt, and continue in the fashion I wrote this.
mikepyro | August 15, 2012 - 04:34
So, instead of paying any heed to other writers you ignore them and continue with a story in a style reviews suggest needs improvement?
Alright then.
Bryan Skylar | August 15, 2012 - 09:47
I'm just saying that I'm entitled to accept or decline the comments others give me. Do you listen to every single thing someone tells you to fix? If I did that it would drive me insane. Everyone has so many different opinions on how they would write someone elses work.
Besides, I have over three hundred typed pages of The Brimstone Brigade. That would be a helluva lot of re-writing.
mikepyro | August 15, 2012 - 19:32
Why not post more than, Bryan?
Im sure you have readers who'd like to see more of your story. Even if we feel the piece is a little barebone/censored it doesn't mean we don't want to see more of the work.
Bryan Skylar | August 15, 2012 - 23:10
Why post more when I've already been informed that it's lacking in description? Doing so would be a waste of time, because I already know what members think of the story.
Sooz006 | August 16, 2012 - 00:52
Coatsley, I think your comment was far more of a review than just a comment, it was clear, respectful and well put across.
And Mike, I think you have given some very good advice.
Bryan, you seem to have this great fear of passing the PG barrier, so much so that it restricts you on what you want to write. I would never go to click on a story because, say, I liked the title and then see that it had a 12 rating and not read it because it wasn't PG. The rating is only there to protect minors and very sensitive people. If you're worried about causing offense, it is perfectly acceptable to add a decency warning saying that it contains profanity, sex, controversial opinions, or whatever.
I was going to give and opinion on the actual story but, I'm really sorry, but this...I'll take it with a grain of salt, and continue in the fashion I wrote this.... put me off wasting my time. And while, of course, anything I say is only a suggestion for you to take or disregard, I'd like to think that mine, and anybody else's, suggestions would at least be considered before being discarded. No hard feelings, bud, good luck with it and take care.
Bryan Skylar | August 16, 2012 - 01:04
As usual, people are getting the wrong impression of me. I rarely trust anyone unless they've been published and paid for it. Unlike vanity or POD. Sure, tell me your thoughts, but if I decide not to use them don't condemn me for it. And I have considered everything that has been said about my writing.
mikepyro | August 16, 2012 - 01:44
Then why the hell would you post here? I've published short stories, what do I need to express that before you consider my opinion worthy?
You have people that would be willing to read more and see if the style works out later on, that's all Im saying. Bye now.
Bryan Skylar | August 17, 2012 - 02:46
I've been thinking about what everyone has said. Why did I post if I didn't want comments and help bettering my skills. I was looking over Brimstone Brigade and it indeed is a good bone structure, but needs its muscles and flesh. It won't be easy re-writing so much typed material, but that is why we edit.
Sorry to all of you for being so negative. I was in a car accident a few days ago, and it really has me strung out.
mikepyro | August 17, 2012 - 03:29
It's okay bryan, I most of all was a little unfairly harsh. There's no need to rewrite an entire piece if you don't want, but understand it would be an improvement at least in somes eyes. Some of my favorite pieces didn't get cherries till numerous revisions, none at all, or were just lukewarm reception. That can happen.