For the first time in three years, Craven Danger stepped out through the front door of his office building without having to duck a hail storm of loose furniture and verbal abuse.
I should have stopped being air-raid warden a long time ago, thought Craven.
“Taxi!” he cried.
“Can’t I go wit’ ya, Mr. Danger?”
“Nah, Betty,” said Craven Danger. “Too dangerous. The letter says I was to come alone, see!”
“But, what if I was to lay low in the back seat?” said Betty. “Then, when we got to the docks I could slink out the other side of the taxi and follow you out to the boat. Then, when you meet up with your mysterious contact, you distract him and I’ll sneak on board and find out if their up to any shenanigans concerning your body in cement or something. If all‘s clear, I‘ll give you the signal.”
”What signal?” said Craven.
”Ca caw!” said Betty. “Ca caw!”
”Are you out of your mind?” said Craven.
“Hear me out,” said Betty. ”Then, if I find out they happen to be mob boys gettin‘ ready to fit you with some extra heavy shoes, I‘ll go--“
“Don’t tell me,” interrupted Craven. “Let me guess, ‘Who whoo! Who whoo!’”
“Now you’re being silly,” said Betty. “At that point I would just say, ‘Run, Mr. Danger! Run!’ Then I high tail it right behind you and we come back here to the office and forget we ever got any letter. I seen it in a movie once.”
“Hey!” said the taxi driver. “Did you yell ‘taxi’ or what? I been waitin’ here forever. I got hemorrhoids, ya know!”
“I’m coming. I’m coming,” said Craven. “Just hang on to your hemorrhoids and relax!”
“You be careful out there, Mr. Danger,” said Betty. “You ain’t never had no experience on a real case before. And it ain’t like in the movies at all. They shoot you with real bullets around here.”
“Well, I got bullets of my own, Betty,” said Craven. “Don’t you worry about me.”
“But you ain’t never shot nobody that actually had it coming,” said Betty.
“Are you coming, or what!” said the driver. “My hemorrhoids gettin’ restless. I need to take ‘em home and drown ‘em in a sea of calmin’ waters.”
“I said I’m comin’!” said Craven.
“It’s dangerous out there,” said Betty. ”don‘t forget to say your prayers.”
“Danger’s my middle name!” said Craven.
“No it ain’t,” said Betty. “It’s Moe.”
”I can‘t get nothing by you, kid,” said Craven.
“And keep all your eyes open,” said Betty. “And your chin where nobody can get a good poke at it. Walk in backwards, if you have to.”
“I’ll do that, kid, said Craven. “See you in the morning. And don’t be late! I may need bandages! Ha. Ha!"
Craven Moe Danger slid into the backseat of the cab and settled back.
“Pier 17!” said Craven. “And--”
“Don’t tell me,” interrupted the driver. “And step on it?”
“No,” said Craven. “And please drive carefully. I have a sensitive stomach.”
Oh, brother! thought the driver. What a character..
Comments
Sooz006 | August 3, 2012 - 15:50
and find out if their up... they're
But you ain’t never shot nobody that actually had it coming,” said Betty... lovely, almost as good as the piles line.
I agree with the taxi driver. Brilliant character.
I've realised who these two remind me of. He's similar in style to Dirk Gently and she's reminiscent of the secretary in Doc something or other. Though I think Betty is even better. I really like her. Being likened to other characters isn't a bad thing so please don't take that as a negative.
The humour is easy, the characters gel as well as any I've ever read. The storyline is okay, so far and the world is so ready for a pair like these two.
alex_tomlin | August 3, 2012 - 16:04
Good stuff! Don't think he's very Dirk Gently though - unless the TV series is quite different to the books. Reminds me more of Robert Rankin at his funniest and most consistent.
Ed Crane | August 3, 2012 - 16:07
I liked this part too, Hud. Looks good. I also liked the triple negative line -- strangely it actually makes grammatical sense (sort of!). Looking forward to more.
hudsonmoon | August 3, 2012 - 16:08
lol. Thanks, Sooz. and no, I don't mind comparisons to other characters. I absorbed a lot of Cagney, Bogart and Edward G. Robinson movies. I'm also a huge fan of the Thin Man series with William Powell and Myrna Loy. Check them out if you're not familiar. So they're a result of old Warner Bros. films. Looney Tunes included.
Write what you know, they say. lol.
All I ever hope to accomplish here is to have some fun and make someone laugh. The story, to me, is beside the point. And thanks, Sooz, for all the nice comments.
Rich
hudsonmoon | August 3, 2012 - 16:13
I'm going to have to check this Dirk Gently out. I've never seen it. Our local channel, PBS plays loads of British imports but I've never seen it in New York.
Ed Crane | August 3, 2012 - 16:53
If you can get hold of the book: Dirk Gently's Holistic detective Agency (by Douglas Adams - the writer of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) it's even funnier.
alex_tomlin | August 3, 2012 - 17:05
Holistic Detective Agency and the sort of sequel, The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul are both brilliant. He was in the middle of the third one, the Salmon of Doubt (I think) when he died.
sid | August 3, 2012 - 17:25
'Hang on to your hemorrhoids.' Brilliant line! I'm going to adopt it. Much enjoyed
Sooz006 | August 4, 2012 - 00:59
No, forget the telly, it's rubbish, go straight for the books. I can only remember three instances in my life, where I've read something that has made me laugh so hard that I've almost choked. One was Dean Koontz, a conversation in public toilets between a man and his autistic brother. The second was Dean Koontz a conversation between an old timer farmer and an alien boy, and the third was a scene in one of the Dirk Gently's where he's spying through a keyhole and a golden eagle pops up and spies back from the other side.
Pebble | August 5, 2012 - 20:51
Yes. I can definitely see the Dirk Gently comparison. The secretary is almost Penny from the modern show the Big Bang Theory, except dumber. Both characters are surrounded by incompetence but incompetent in a different ways themselves.
"A child of five could understand this. Someone go fetch me a child of five." -Groucho Marx
hudsonmoon | August 5, 2012 - 22:48
I just realized that I never sent out a think you for the cherries. Never had triple cherries before. I'm grateful.
Rich
jolono | August 6, 2012 - 08:26
Hi Rich been away for a few days so catching up! Another stormer! On to the next.