He put on his new green North Face raincoat and stepped onto the front porch with his best Sunday supplement pose, waiting for the adoration of the passersby.
“Who’s the old guy wearing the raincoat?” said the first passerby. “It’s not even raining. It’s eighty degrees and sunny.”
“The poor thing,” said her girlfriend. “No one’s even bothered to tell him to remove the tags. He must be alone in this world.”
”He does looks sort of lost,” chuckled the first woman. ”His poor white hair’s all long and mussy. And those scrawny, white chicken legs!“
”I’ll bet he eats out of tin cans and drinks from the milk carton,” laughed her girlfriend. “With crusty dishes piled a mile high in the sink.”
“And nine hundred cats weaving in and out of every nook and cranny of movable space,” chortled the first woman. “Sitting on a park bench singing Empire State of Mind to a flock of cooing pigeons while he pees in his adult diaper!”
“Oh my God! Stop!” screamed her girlfriend. “You’re killing me!”
Mr. McDonough pondered the giggling passersby and smiled.
Nice to see young and happy people enjoying a good laugh, he thought to himself.
“Nice coat!“ they shouted, before racing off.
“Thanks," he said. “You young ladies have a lovely day."
He waved at the girls and turned to go back inside.
“Honey!" he said to his wife. “The coat’s a hit. Everyone’s talking about it.”
“Oh, for crying out loud, you silly man,” said his wife. “You forgot to remove the tags.”
“That’s why I have you dear,” he said. “Hey? I have an idea!”
“What is it?”
“Did you ever make love to a man in his new raincoat?”
“Please tell me you have clothes on under that coat?” said his wife.
“Who needs clothes,” he said. “When you’re about to seduce your wife in a sexy new raincoat?”
“Fine by me,” she said. “But your losing the damn coat!"
Later that evening when the rains came, Mr. and Mrs. McDonough took a long, lazy walk in the park.
And, yes, he was wearing shorts.