one more (ip)

By insertponceyfrenchnamehere

Thu, 01 Jan 1970
  • 912 reads
7 comments
 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wildpuppet/3884200806/

Fucking wanker. None of his business,

“It’s none of your fucking business mate. I’m fine”

“What else am I going to do? Got to pay my way haven’t I?”

“Yeah well, I haven’t got any other way.”

“A job? This is my fucking job. If you want to talk some more it’s going to cost you”

”Ok, piss off then”

“You what?. No you can’t. You’ll put off the punters if you stay here any longer”

Come for a coffee. Jesus, some people. Like I was doing this to enlarge my social circle. Yeah right.

Fucking cold tonight. Wish I could wear jeans. Joe’s right though – it pulls the punters in this way. This jacket is class. Warm too. Just my feet are numb that’s all.

He’s ok. I love him – and he really loves me too – he does. He cares. I could see that from the start. Couldn’t have left without him.

God it was boring at the home. They didn’t give a fuck – all those key workers. New ones every month except for that bitch who ran the place. All they cared about was their fag breaks.

School was shit too. What’s the point? Anyway – once they label you you’re fucked aren’t you. Can’t do anything right – like they cared anyway. Shit person, shit school, shit teachers.

Joe doesn’t think I’m shit. Said I was beautiful the first time we met. It’s not his fault if he’s got a temper. It’s what men are like isn’t it? Look at my dad – look at some of the weirdoes who try it on with me here. You’ve got to watch out for yourself in this game, but I’ve been lucky so far.

I’m ok with Joe so long as I don’t fuck up. It’s my fault - I know I wind him up sometimes. He’s right. He’s only in the bar over there. He looks out for me. Anyway – not much longer tonight, then we can score. Been lucky. Four regulars. You know where you are with them.

Feeling shit now – really need a smoke. One more and we’re ok, just one more. Think Joe’s getting antsy too.

Here we go.

“Alright babe?”

Comments

Submitted by chuck on
I'd say the language suits the black and white image.

Submitted by insertponceyfre... on
I know there are a lot of fucks - but no more than I hear outside schools at hometime. It doesn't sound over the top does it?

 

Submitted by chuck on
Frequent usage in her circles no doubt. I don't see how else you could have written it.

Submitted by Ewan on
The only thing that needs work for me is the initial spoken part. At first I thought it was all one half of a dialogue, then the last utterance threw me. You are wise to avoid "he said she said/says" wherever you can, but it's often a good thing to give a clue to who is speaking in the actual dialogue itself, from time to time. I think 'mate' a little later in the exchange would have helped me keep it straight. Maybe my head's fuzzy this morning. :-) You might want to go for just the one half of the dialogue (not strictly a monologue, just one side of a conversation). Do you see what I mean? One of the strengths of these pieces has been that they stand up well without the pictures.

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Submitted by insertponceyfre... on
no no it was my head that was fuzzy last night actually. I was knackered but wanted to do at least one thing with my brain before the end of the day, so it was a bit of a scribble. it is partly one half of a dialogue. I want to try dialogue and never have before. I thought it would spoil it, putting in what the other person said somehow (maybe I just couldn't imagine what he'd say, or maybe thought it would unnecessarily complicate things, or come across as too hackneyed). but what she said out loud was only half of what i wanted her to say - and in my mind she was trying to be polite, but wanted him to bugger off quickly so she could get on and do what she needed to do to score. Also, it was hard to express what I wanted her to be thinking, in the words she would use in her head, rather than my words. didn't want to be particularly articulate, because many girls like that just plain aren't - not their fault - but "boring" for her would cover a thousand different things, and in reality every other word would be fuck. maybe later I'll try again. thank you SO much for the helpful comments xx

 

Submitted by Ewan on
You could two things to help with experimenting with dialogue, one of which you don't need to do. You have monologue off-pat already, judging by your writing about your own experiences. Try writing something, short as you like, using only dialogue: not a screenplay with stage directions, just dialogue. Make sure you're trying to tell a story too. You'll find it interesting and it will give you a great idea of how to move stories along with dialogue. Avoid the radio-play trap: 'Oh! I see you have a gun and are pointing it at me, Herbert!' good luck :-)

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Submitted by insertponceyfre... on
- the gun thing - yes, that's what I wanted to avoid! also stage directions THANK you. will put it high on my todo list for today xxx