Inside Outside (9th June 2008, 3.38pm)
Raised voices echo outside,
screams and shouts
drift across the asphalt
up to the open windows,
forcing our attention to stray,
reaching like promises
as we read, silently,
waiting for our own break
to lift inside day
into outside freedom.
Clear on still, summer air slide
sounds of games,
played laughter trickles like
water purling through the room;
we are studying words hard:
class novel, digging holes
in our heads as time unravels
slow; like a rattlesnake
poised, the hand creeps
around the tired clock face.
No words are heard distinctly,
wrapped in veils
of distance travelled and
longing. Concentration
frays; we plan our small escapes
out into the haze of
outside noise, unravelling
summer days of stuffy rooms
and muffled freedom
into sunlight and space.
Comments
sunshine | June 9, 2008 - 15:07
this really did evoke those dusty old memories of school days and moments when concentration was lost to thoughts of freedom. Love the suggestion of laughter trickling like water.
tcook | June 9, 2008 - 17:23
It happened to me this afternoon - it was so glorious outside and I was stuck in my basement office going through the weekend stories - so I snuck out for 9 holes of golf - wonderfully naughty and delightfully worthwhile!
Ewan | June 9, 2008 - 17:38
There is a very mature and expert use of language in evidence here,
'digging holes
in our heads as time unravels
slow'
is just one example of many in this piece.
I am not quite sure about 'water silting through'
since (I think) silting involves the accretion of sediment, but would be prepared to accept any argument in justification since I like the sound of it.
I think this is my favorite of all your poems.
Published yet?
"If not now when?"
Regards
Ewan
Doeslittle | June 9, 2008 - 18:07
I love this. I loved the sounds and agree with Ewan totally about the expert use of language. Are you reading 'Digging Holes' at the moment with your students? One thing - the repetition of attention / concentration strays jarred a bit with me, was it intentional?
Dynamaso | June 10, 2008 - 00:13
What I'd like to say has already been said far more eruditely above so I will simply say this is very well done indeed. You continue to inspire me.
jennifer | June 10, 2008 - 07:07
Thank you, Doeslittle, of course it wasn't intentional, couldn't see the trees for the wood as usual! I have substitued the second 'strays' with 'frays', to keep the mirror effect and obscure internal rhymes I am so fond of, while still avoiding repetition.
I am indeed reading 'Holes' by Louis Sachar with my students, what a superb novel!
And thank you, everyone, for all the lovely comments, am very chuffed! And very jealous of Tony, swanning off to the golf course...
I'd never really thought about trying to get poetry published, Ewan, always thought it was far too difficult, still waiting for the time and inspiration to write a novel...and I just like the sound of 'silting', am lost for a word to replace it with that sounds equally good...
Caldwell | June 10, 2008 - 12:10
What about these? I don't profess to be any good at this sort of thing, but I like a challenge...
sinuating, undulating, rippling, purling
I know, I know, go away Caldwell...
jennifer | June 10, 2008 - 15:40
To fit with the (for me) strict syllable scheme, it needs to be two syllables. Ripling would fit, but trickles of water don't tend to ripple, do they? I always think of bodies of water rippling, lakes and pools...
and purling is a brand new word to me (yey!)
Dictionary online says:
'To flow or ripple with a murmuring sound',
which is lovely. Flowing OR rippling. Purling it is!
LawOfTheOne | June 10, 2008 - 23:34
Iliked this and also agree that Holes is a great book. The last two lines capture the book so well.
Nathan Bednarek | June 11, 2008 - 22:03
This is one of those poems that have a wonderful climate to them thanks to the way they're crafted and structured. One of the best I've read on this site so far.
reaching like promises
as we read, silently,
waiting for our own break
This is the most touching line in the poem for me.
Well done, a great read.
jennifer | June 11, 2008 - 22:08
Nathan, you have made me blush like a schoolgirl!
Thank you for your comments, everyone!