Storm River (9th November, 2008, 9.46pm)
The wind has whipped itself
into frenzied helplessness,
launched a thousand fallen
leaves into the air; the swans have
gone to ground, huddled like
bone china representations of
themselves, the riverside sad
shelter for the homeless.
The rain lashes, angry tongues
of punishment, dashes the loose
branches down; drops rain like
gunfire amongst the splashes;
boom, boom; logs hit the pontoon
like bombs, the boat trembles;
I lean, turn up the stereo, drown
out the sound of falling water.
The wind subsides, easing off
geezers in the sky; serene, we
lie, listening as the water gurgles
past at head height. Rocked in
our cradle by powerful hands,
we wait for the river to rise, inch
by swirling inch; muddied, angry,
spilling the night into the light.
Comments
NO_1 | November 9, 2008 - 22:53
Er, do you really mean geezers in the sky? Surely that should be geysers. (Though it does create an amusing image in my mind.)
You paint a vivid scene here (particularly like the bone china swans) but weaken it with some cliched turns of phrase. Also, the repetition of rain in the second stanza is redundant.
From what I undertand of your writing technique, this is a spontaneous first draft. As such, you have the basis for an even stronger poem, if you are prepared to prune it down.
Silver Spun Sand | November 10, 2008 - 00:37
We too, have a really wild night, which I guess, added to the atmosphere that you evoked with your words, Jennifer.
"The rain lashes, angry tongues
of punishment, dashes the loose
branches down; drops rain like
gunfire amongst the splashes;"
... and now I'm off to rescue one of my garden chairs that seems to have gone walkabout to the other end of the garden. It really is blowing a gale out there!!
Tina
jennifer | November 10, 2008 - 08:54
Heavens, my brain really doesn't work when I am ill, does it?! Of course I meant geysers!
Yes, this is a first draft, needs work, any more input appreciated before I have another go!
Jen x
jennifer | November 10, 2008 - 08:54
Heavens, my brain really doesn't work when I am ill, does it?! Of course I meant geysers!
Yes, this is a first draft, needs work, any more input appreciated before I have another go!
Jen x