I’ve got the wettest eyes because I’m terrified of being consumed by a great big backlash, a tidal wave of anxiety and hyperventilation and panic attacks that kicks me out of normalcy and into a state of being permanently out of sync with the rest of the world. I’m scared I won’t live up to my own expectation of myself, the idea of me I’ve cast out into the world that I’m running to catch up with. Everything has been going so well but little pessimistic me, dressed in a long black cloak and top-hat (because that’s what pessimists wear) is just waiting to drop off and plummet towards rock bottom where I’ll have to scribble doctor’s numbers on scrap pieces of paper and sit in front of well-meaning ladies, biting my lip so I don’t cry and digging my nails into my thighs every time they say something nice and encouraging. I suppose if I pick apart the thread that has kept/ is keeping me together it isn’t the spider-web silk I pretend it is. What does it consist of apart from meditation downloads, French language tapes, bits of journal entries and positive mantras typed, copied and pasted in near hysterical rhythm? This thread is easy to pick up again. It’s not a hidden elixir I need to spend years tracing with the gallantry of some Harrison Ford action adventurer because in fact it’s all right here, filed in alphabetical order on my laptop. For now, it’s time to stop crying and instead let David Gray’s This Year’s Love seep into my tear stained brain because his music is beautiful and the rest will fall into place.
Comments
hudsonmoon | August 22, 2011 - 16:00
That must not have been easy to put on paper. But I know of what you write. I feel it. I think you're a pretty incredible talent and the genuine article.
Me? I do this in the hopes of getting a laugh out of someone. You? You're more soulful, to the point and exquisite in your writing.
David Gray for you. John Prine for me. He has a funny way of making sense out of this insane world we live in.
But not knowing you, the best I could offer is my admiration and a soulful hug.
sue dinum | August 22, 2011 - 17:37
Hello, maggy, I found your piece very intruiging and sensed an inner turmoil. Writing is good therapy and I hope you found it so here. Well done!
sue
maggyvaneijk | August 22, 2011 - 17:49
Thank you both, comments and soulful hug much appreciated!
Overthetop1 | August 22, 2011 - 18:28
Yes I loved this Maggy. It was so easy to read I could have just carried on. Hold on to whatever (just) gets you through.
tcook | August 22, 2011 - 18:42
Maggy - you have so much talent that you will make it. You should believe in yourself because you have every right to do so. Don't get down, keep going and all will be well.
ScoZen | August 23, 2011 - 16:39
tcook says it all MaggV
May I suggest a visit to the streets with your
camera and capture those photographs you do so well. Beste wensen.
maggyvaneijk | August 23, 2011 - 16:41
thanks for all your kind comments! ScoZen thanks for checking out my photography too.