Beginning. By MarciaMarcia

Beginning

Beginning to live without someone who you have grown to love in the deepest sense of the word love, comes with a heaviness of thought  bringing emotions to the surface, consciousness like a stream ever flowing inside, that rises to the limits of your being body. Whether this loss is spouse, dear friend, lover, cherished pet; anyone or anything living being you have shared life on an intimate level with, in whatever communication your relationship took pieces of dimension in together. Sharing never experienced before; 

  But now, like  negotiating a stream, within, the waves and pebbles, the water. It’s rush of turbulence over rocks, plant life, in and out of caverns, becomes at times, a daunting river, even white water racing in a torrent that can grab onto you taking you with it. It is all there, here, inside. 

 What to do? Do you fight the current or let go and travel this uncharted force which has resin around and inside you. 

finding a way to to be within those places, those spaces of time and movement you never asked to be experiencing, never wanting to be caught by its weight; how does one live it?

  Then a dry lifeless desert never experienced appears before your eyes, and within your heart.  A vast Emptiness endless in it’s stillness and lifelessness; the dryness sinks and you almost don’t hear your heart beating as your thirst yearns for the nurturing from your loss your wanted desire your intimate other  

 Where  does sustenance come from now. There are no  nurturing blooms and ponds of quenching water. Perhaps You can see no life ahead. 

 Within you, loss has caused time and place and space to bend and wrap in on itself, within you, confusing what is real what is illusion, what has happened…your loss  lived memories come as thoughts from vast stores of moments lived years. These return as if you are in a time tunnel and can reach out and touch what is lost. It all becomes the then again, but now, and reality falls away. 

  You 

can stay in that space for a moment or for days, unaware that time still moves in the outside world, beyond you, your mind, your body. 

Time has surely cut a slice out of what was reality to you that time you have been gone, is lost forever, not remembered in the end.  You can be left at that parched desert place or the tumbling waterway hurting from your loss, suffering, wanting, hoping, but the miracle of life continues. Your heart still beats. Your breath still comes in and out of your lungs. The lost is lost. 

  Slowly, reality creeps back into you and you become aware again that you were not alone in your journeying. You had been given a gift with your lost and your life would have been different and emptier if not for your lost. Your life is that more richer because of your shared life you had with your lost. You loved and was loved. 

  Slowly, you come back to yourself and your surroundings and realize that you were not alone. You feel and see the people who love you and have stood by you all this time, nurturing you although you were unaware of their presence. They walked with you. They are with you now and time slowly becomes real time in all the places and spaces that are now and will be in the years left to you to live and love and be loved, again and again and again. 

     Marcia d Miller