In the Rendezvous Cafe by the sea, surrounded by pastel blue and yellow paintwork and brightly coloured signs, old men and women at Formica tables ignore the ex-couple.
Looking at the waves through huge crescent-topped windows, Nick avoids Robert’s gaze. Trapped, he thinks of upturning the tables.
Nick knows last night was a mistake.
Cramped and squashed on the coach from London, passing monstrous concrete chimneys and cheerless services, he’d imagined striding up to Robert, triumphantly shaking his hand, leading him to a restaurant. Sophisticated, silencing him, he’d peck him on the cheek and no more. Buying him drinks until late, Robert would be jealous as Nick flirted with other people.
Instead, Robert led. The bar was loud and smelled of poppers and aftershave. Under flashing lights Nick moved without direction, Robert’s hand on his cheek.
In Robert’s flat on the familiar carpet, Nick’s body moved like a crane, an industrial machine, mindless and purposeful. Looking down on the river while Robert slept, his life in London was an insubstantial dream.
Finally speaking, sipping tea, Robert says “You haven’t changed.”
“I have,” Nick says, sounding petulant, wondering how far he could walk into the dark water before it swallows him.
-
-
-
-
-
------------------------------
Previous version for reference:
------------------------------
In the Rendezvous Cafe by the sea, surrounded by pastel blue and yellow paintwork and brightly coloured signs, old men and women at Formica tables studiously ignore the ex-couple.
Looking at the waves through huge crescent-topped windows, Nick avoids Robert’s gaze. Trapped again, he thinks of upturning the tables.
Meeting Robert again was a mistake. Passing monstrous concrete chimneys and cheerless services, the coach from London cramped and squashed him into himself.
Planning it, he’d imagined striding up to Robert, triumphantly shaking his hand, leading him to a restaurant. Sophisticated, he’d peck him on the cheek and no more. Buying him drinks until late, Robert would be jealous as Nick flirted with other people.
Instead, the bar was loud and smelled of poppers and aftershave. Under flashing lights his body moved without direction, Robert’s hand on his cheek.
In Robert’s flat on the familiar carpet, Nick’s body moved like an industrial machine, mindless and purposeful. Looking down on the river while Robert slept, his life in London was insubstantial and dreamy.
Finally speaking, sipping tea, Robert says “You haven’t changed.”
“I have,” he says, sounding petulant, wondering how far he could walk into the dark water before it swallows him.
Comments
drew_gummerson | August 6, 2007 - 09:07
Hey Mark and I know what the Rendezvous cafe looks like.
I liked it.
I'd get rid of the repetition of 'again'. 'Trapped again.... Meeting Robert again'.
And the timeline doesn't flow. They're in a cafe at the open and then he imagines 'leading him to a restaurant'. This jars as they're not in a restaurant.
I'd change that paragraph, 'Planning it...'. I think you need to fix the night before the Rendezvous cafe as a distinct point. ie The night before they'd gone to a restaurant, or bar. Then maybe how he thought it would have been.
I like the sentiment though. You go home and you realise you're the same. You haven't changed.
drew_gummerson | August 6, 2007 - 14:48
Yeah, it's clearer now.
This paragraph bothers me.
"Cramped and squashed on the coach from London, passing monstrous concrete chimneys and cheerless services, he’d imagined striding up to Robert, triumphantly shaking his hand, leading him to a restaurant. Sophisticated, silencing him, he’d peck him on the cheek and no more. Buying him drinks until late, Robert would be jealous as Nick flirted with other people."
You've got sentences starting, 'Cramped', 'Sophisticated' and 'Buying'. I'd start the second with 'He'd peck him..' and delete the 'Sophisticated, silencing him'. It just seems sharper to me.
I hope you don't mind! I do like it.