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Juliet

Posted by MistakenMagic on August 13, 2008 - 20:05
from the ABC set Dear Romeo - The Love Poems

Front door snap. Head phones in
To block out her mother
Howling her threats of banishment.
But it didn’t matter.
This wasn’t her home anymore.
Her father came after her
And she hid amongst the nettles.
They knew not to sting her
For her venom was far worse
And they were afraid.
She trekked the uncertain road
To the council estate,
Wandering amongst the lifeless boxes.
Then she saw her Romeo
Running towards her, arms waving.
She heard a rustle by the bins.
One shot and it was all over.
She fell into the white stencil
Readily drawn out on the yard.

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Comments

Macjoyce | August 14, 2008 - 16:51

This is a very good poem, especially for one as young as you. The language is mature and well-crafted and the ending unpredictable.

The only thing is, I think you should work on line-breaks. Two of them are clumsy, namely 'uncertain/Road' and 'running/Towards'.

Is Juliet waving her arms, or Romeo? I presume Romeo, in which case there needs to be a comma after "towards her".

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MistakenMagic | August 14, 2008 - 20:24

Thank you for the comment Macjoyce, I do certainly need to work on line breaks, I have always had a tendancy to be sloppy with structure, always concentrating on the words! I shall edit it immediatement!