It was a bitter cold Winter's morning, I had just awoken to the distinct smell of bacon cooking downstairs, and my stomach flipped.
Today, the warmth of my bed seemed to want to contain me and hide me safely from the rest of the world. The duvet clung to my slender figure, smothering me. My bones felt weak with every slight movement and my features gaunt and lifeless, as I ran my clammy hands over them.
I'd had a restless night of sleep and still now, my mind did not want to shut down. The capacity of thoughts in my brain were fit to bursting but somehow I was unable to think about each thought separately, instead they felt jumbled, bouncing all over my head, fighting to be heard.
I slowly opened my eyes and felt the intruding light pour into them. It took me a moment to adjust to the intensity and once I had, I immediately wanted everything to disappear. The sound of the clock ticking seemed to charge through my entire body. The pile of clothes on the floor seemed to come to life and haunt me of my past. I dreaded to think of whether they still fitted me, but I was assured they didn't. Nonetheless, their presence brought me back to the old days of name-calling and the mirror that was and still is my enemy. The joyous, phony memoirs hung on the walls, grinning down upon me . I hid my eyes from view under the duvet and took in the scent. Sweat, hunger and tears that had been cryed repeatedly, not too long ago.
It was then and there that I wished my life was simple and that I could look at a plate of food without wanting to throw up until my stomach throbbed. But I had wished this too many times before and all had been unanswered by the one person I thought I could belive in. I was losing my faith in God. In fact, quite frankly, I was losing my faith in everything.
As the day dragged on and on, I decided to make an effort to get up. I swung my legs, with difficulty, out of bed and placed them lightly on the floor. The coldness surged through my body like a pail of icy cold water. It made my bones ache from head to foot and my spine shudder. I was so weak, I was forced to grip the safety of my desk chair to steady myself as I sluggishly came to find myself in an upright position. I glanced in the mirror at myself, in my dull, baggy nightdress and had to look away, almost instantly. I looked out of the scenery of my window, to the uplifting sight of winter and pressed my warm nose against the glass, my breath causing it to mist over.
I'd missed the sudden change of season whilst hibernating in my bed and that saddened me. A big, childish part of me wanted to lay naked in the strangely chilling warmth of the snow and embrace my surroundings. However, I knew that if I did that, it would probably be my last act. The iciness of the snow would catch my breath, and ache my bones more than ever and I'd go to a place I couldn't harm or be harmed anymore. Maybe thats how I wanted it.