Driving in My Car ('Dead Reckoning' series - Part 5)

Continued from Episode 4 (Footloose)

The story so far:  Things are not going well at Oakshott and Underwood.  The news about the fracas in the crematorium at the end of the 'Bring Out Your Dead' saga, has spread far and wide, with an inevitable drop in trade as a consequence.  On top of which, Josiah has injured his wrist meaning Archibald is on driving duties. However, Josiah has been contacted by a rather prestigious potential client, who lives in Cheshire, so Archibald is enjoying a spell of chauffeuring in the countryside:

“So, this is Evanley, is it?” Archibald observed, as they negotiated the narrow streets, turned into chicanes by the litter of parked cars.

“Apparently so” Josiah nodded, “quite a pleasant place, it would seem. Public House, village shop, all the usual necessities of life”

“There’s one of them fancy coffee shops over there, an’ all” Archibald nodded in the appropriate direction.

“Ah yes, that too seems to be rapidly becoming one of the ‘necessities of life’” Josiah observed, ruefully.

“I don’t mind one of them frothy coffees but it’s all a bit…”

“Confusing?” Josiah suggested, “I must admit that, on the few occasions that I have experienced such an establishment, I have been somewhat daunted by the variety on offer”

“Yeah, it’s alright if you know what you want, innit?” Archibald nodded, “I sometimes finish up with tea because at least, that way, you know what you’re going to get, don’t you?”

“I imagine the owners would be somewhat disappointed by that outcome” Josiah chuckled, “in my limited experience I have only succeeded by having recourse to the knowledge of others”

“Others?” Archibald raised an eyebrow.

“By which I mean, Sam…Mrs. Knight” Josiah blushed a little, “she was rather fond of such emporiums”

“Yeah, I can see it being right up her street” Archibald nodded. “Mind you, it’s not half as much of a faff as them shops where you can get them baguette thingys”

“Baguette thingys?” Josiah looked perplexed.

“Yeah, you know, there’s a chain of them.  They’re everywhere” Archibald insisted, “I only finished up in one ‘cause I thought it was the way under a busy road!”

“Ah yes, I’m aware of their work” Josiah agreed, “but I have never participated in their offering”

“I don’t blame you” Archibald shook his head, “it’s like being interrogated!  You can’t just have summat simple, there’s all these questions and you have to make loads of decisions and there’s all these people waiting behind you and then they get right narked, ‘cause you can’t make your mind up.  It wears me out!”

“That does sound somewhat daunting” Josiah agreed.

“Not half!” Archibald nodded, furiously, “that’s why I finish up down the chippy more often than not.  I mean, you can’t go wrong with a bag of chips now, can you?”

“I doubt that it would be the cause of much in the way of interrogation” Josiah grinned.

“I don’t see why everything has to be so ruddy difficult!” Archibald moaned.

“In light of our recent experiences, Archibald, I’m inclined to agree” Josiah consulted his map, “I think we should be turning out of the village, shortly.  The road to Evanley Hall should be on our left”

The female voice of the sat-nav chipped in with the same information.

“Looks like she agrees with you, Mr. O.” Archibald chuckled.

“I am gratified that that is the case” Josiah looked pleased with himself.

“’Course, it might have been different if it had been the bloke.” Archibald frowned, “I don’t trust him!”  He added, darkly.

“The ‘bloke’?” Josiah looked questioningly at his employee, “What ‘bloke’?”

“Him in the sat-nav!  It was him what was on it when we first got this and I always finished up having a barney with him”

“You argued with the voice on the navigation system?”

“Yeah, well, he thought he knew everything!” Archibald snorted,  “But, half the time, he didn’t have a clue what he was on about!”

“But…but ‘he’ is just a spoken version of the generic directions emanating from the navigation system.  The gender of the voice is immaterial!” Josiah protested.

“Ah, well, you sat that” Archibald shook his head, “but I know I’ve never gone wrong since she’s took over, yet I was always yelling at him”

“I wonder, is the sky as blue in Archibald-world?” Josiah smirked.

“You what?” Archibald questioned, making a tricky left turn into a narrow lane, in response to the sat-nav instructions.

“Ignore me, Archibald, I was being facetious”

“It’s a bit…grim this, innit?” Archibald commented, as they made their way, gingerly, up the pot-holed lane.  Trees and bushes, hugely overgrown, cloaked the roadway in a dark tunnel, with water dripping from every branch.

“Not quite what I anticipated; I must concur”

“And that…well, that’s just creepy!” Archibald nodded toward a large sign, painted in bright red paint, on an industrial pallet.  It read:

“IF YOU KILL MY KITTENS, I’LL KILL YOU!”

“Indeed!” Josiah looked rather worried, “Perhaps an estate worker with a somewhat robust manner of expressing themselves?”  He ventured.

“Not what you expect on your way to some stately pile, though, is it?”  Archibald pointed out.

“Well, it isn’t exactly what one might describe as a ‘Stately Home’, at least not from my limited research…” Josiah began.  At that moment, the lane levelled out from its uphill climb and the dense tree canopy gave way to sunshine and blue skies.  Before them, perched on higher ground and surrounded by immaculate gardens, stood Evanley Hall.  A late Victorian estate house, with the odd turret and spot of castellation thrown in for good measure.

“Ah, now that is more what I anticipated!” Josiah beamed with delight.

“Yeah, that’s the business alright, innit?” Archibald nodded.

“Drive up to the front door, Archibald, if you will” Josiah was grinning like the proverbial cat.

A cattle grid, positioned between two, large stone pillars, marked the boundary between the pot-holed lane, on which they had been travelling (which swept away to the right), and the neat gravel drive that curled around the terraced lawn, fronting the property.

Josiah exited the vehicle with a spring in his step and bounced up to the large, oak door.  He gave a smart ‘rat-a-tat-tat’ on the knocker and stood back, expectantly.  Archibald emerged from the car with considerable caution, looking about with a great deal of suspicion.

“You erm, you don’t think that whoever wrote that sign lives here, do you?” He asked, tugging his sleeves in his nervousness.

“I am sure that is not the case, Archibald” Josiah waved the idea away, breezily.

The door creaked open.  A gentleman of advanced years, dressed in a rather ill-fitting and shabby black suit peered out at them.

“How may I accommodate you?” He asked, in sombre tones.

“Good afternoon, my name is Josiah Oakshott and this” He indicated to his right, where Archibald was peering upwards in fascination at the sheer size of the house, and nudged him with some force, “is my colleague, Archibald Thurble.  We are here at the invitation of Mrs. DeVille” Josiah extended his business card to the man, who held it gingerly, and with a look of some distaste.  Archibald, now paying attention, looked chuffed at being described as Josiah’s ‘colleague’.

“One moment!” The man inspected the card, thoroughly, and then slammed the door in their faces.

“Well, I’ll be…!” Archibald looked deeply offended.

“Pay no heed to it, Archibald,” Josiah urged, “they have their own ways, out here in the countryside”

They stood, staring at the closed door for a few minutes, feeling rather foolish.

“Gentlemen, if you will attend on me?”

Josiah and Archibald wheeled around and saw, to their left, the elderly man, standing at the corner of the house, beckoning to them.

“What the heck?” Archibald began.

“I have no idea, Archibald, but, as I have said, their ways are not our ways” Josiah led the procession to join the man, who was standing, tapping his foot, impatiently.

When Archibald and Josiah were within a few feet of him, he turned on his heel and marched down the side of the house and then turned smartly right.  To their left, they were aware of fields as far as the eye could see, the nearest one containing a couple of stables, from which a horse watched their progress, suspiciously.  To their right was the back of the house, which, like the rear of all grand homes, housed the pipework, drains and gulleys, in addition to the bins and general detritus, of a working home.

The man opened a small door and led them, up a narrow passageway, into a rather dark and dismal dining room.

“Please wait here, gentlemen,” He intoned, “my lady will be with you, presently” and strode out of the room.

“I think he’s got a cheek!” Archibald fumed.

“I suspect we’ve been brought to the Tradesmen’s Entrance” Josiah frowned, “these old houses have their own, very distinctive, ways”

“I hope this Mrs. Devil makes it worth your while, dragging us all over the country like this and then making us hang around like we were nowt” Archibald folded his arms and scowled.

“It's Mrs. DeVille and we are very fortunate to have been asked to attend such a prestigious address, particularly as things stand at the moment” Josiah pointed out, “I am rather afraid, Archibald, that beggars cannot be choosers”

A door opened, softly, behind Josiah, as he spoke and a silky voice said “Hello, Josiah”

Josiah spun around and gasped.

“J…J…Jeanette?”

For the background to this new series, you really need to read 'Bring Out Your Dead' available now in both Kindle and paperback versions.

Now read Episode 6