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We & the paradox

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Published by pkroutray on August 11, 2012 - 08:48
from the ABC set Singing in My Thoughts (Poetry)

We & the paradox
P K Routray
We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers;
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
spend more, but have less;
buy more, but enjoy it less.
have bigger houses and smaller families;
more conveniences, but less time.
have more degrees but less sense;
more knowledge, but less judgment;
more experts, yet more problems;
more medicine, but less wellness.
drink too much, smoke too much,
spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry too quickly,
stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little, watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.
multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. too much,
love too seldom and hate too often.
learned how to make a living, but not a life.
added years to life, not life to years.
all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
conquered outer space, but not inner space.
done larger things, but not better things.
cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
split the atom, but not our prejudice.
write more, but learn less.
plan more, but accomplish less.
learned to rush, but not to wait.
build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but communicate less and less.
invented many fast foods and slow digestion;
big men, and small character;
steep profits, and shallow relationships.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; fancier houses, but broken homes. These
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom.

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Comments

Rhiannonw | August 11, 2012 - 21:17

"Vanity of vanities", said the Preacher, "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity." [Ecclesiastes 1:2] All is meaningless, or becomes meaningless, profitless and frustrating, unless focussed on our Maker. Rhiannon

pkroutray | August 12, 2012 - 00:05

Thank you for reading and sharing.

Kilb50 | August 12, 2012 - 10:21

"love too seldom and hate too often.
learned how to make a living, but not a life.
added years to life, not life to years."

A very wise and thought-provoking poem!

pkroutray | August 12, 2012 - 11:11

Thank you very much.

Sooz006 | August 12, 2012 - 11:50

but less wellness..... I'm not sure about the word wellness, couldn't you go for health?

drink too much, smoke too much,...This line stood out because every other line has a counter point.

and pray too seldom... again could this one be party too much, pray too seldom? This one only had a counter point.

but reduced our values. too much,... I would lose the too much here, you have a lot of too muches and this one is unnecessary.

added years to life, not life to years... lovely

all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor... I love this sentiment, but it's rambling, I think it needs compacting so that it's a short snappy point and counter point like the others, difficult to get all that information into a dozen words but that's the craft, isn't it?

conquered outer space, but not inner space... gorgeous, favourite line.

build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but communicate less and less.... again needs compacting, this point is about the words not about the form of the poem and you have to be aware of both.

invented many fast foods and slow digestion;...I would lose the many here.

big men, and small character;... and this one doesn't say enough to fit.

steep profits, and shallow relationships... and this

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; fancier houses, but broken homes. These... I would split this....These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;
Days of fancier houses, but broken homes. These... and what's that lone these all about?

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom.... I adore this last one, what a finish, but I'd compact it slightly. ...It is a time of much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom. I'd even be tempted to go for the dialect nowt in the stockroom, but that's just me.

Okay, negatives first. If I'd been an Ed, I wouldn't have cherried this, and by God it deserves it, it's the best poem I've read for ages. I'd have said that it is completely deserving of a cherry as it stands but that I'd like to see it tidied up.

This to me is like a set of drawers full of designer clothes, but the drawers are all open and abandoned at different widths. The clothes are higgledy-piggledy and hanging out. I think this could be so much better with a bit of work.

You can't have it both ways, you either write freeform, or you have structure. I think you've been lazy. This has structure until it got difficult and then you'd chuck a couple of lines in any old how. I'd like to see it with each line with a point and a relevant counterpoint.

And then, it'd deserve a whole yard full of cherries.

Even as it stands it's the best poem I've read in a while. With work it could be fantastic.

pkroutray | August 12, 2012 - 14:24

Thank you very much.