“Are You Ready to Go Back to Titanic?”

Apparently not. 

Today is the celebration of Durten’s life.  In the Universal Hall.  Last Thursday I asked a friend when it was arranged.  I felt my heart had softened. I wanted to release that part of the past that can stop a wave.  Show gratitude for Durten.

Then things got weird.  I felt dysregulated.  Horrible ancient-history feelings washed through me. What happened?  I had the thought, ‘He’ll probably be there’. Then somehow it wasn’t about Durten or gratitude or anything soft or peaceful.    

The last time I saw ‘him’ was years ago.  I had just parked outside the Findhorn shop. I heard a clatter behind me, like someone had fallen off a bike.  I turned around and saw he was bouncing a bicycle off the tarmac in a temper, and was glaring straight at me with this raging face. 

I was sick of beastly men at work.  I was exhausted.  I was on a day off.  And when I’m out for pleasant day to myself, minding my own business, I don’t have to take shit from grown men. 

I thought, ‘I am not responding to that behaviour.’  I turned my back on him, locked the car and walked in the opposite direction for ten minutes until the coast was clear.  I mean, what WAS that? 

Last Friday morning, on the yoga mat, I noticed the box of ‘Intuitive Solutions’ cards on the shelf of the coffee table. 

What to do?

Insight:  You exercise regularly and nourish your body with wholesome foods. (Take care of yourself)

Setback: You are set back by your DEPENDENCE.  (The iceberg)

Insight:  You forgive everyone…yourself…all past experience.  (Even that ill wish?)  You are free! 

Angel:  Gratitude. (For all of it).

Spooky.

But I’m not going. 

My friend sent me the Zoom link instead. 

God bless her.