Sudden Fire

By shatterboxx

Sun, 01 Nov 2009
  • 1210 reads
5 comments
 

When I can't think what else to do,
I buy flowers.

They do not last but
I keep the water levels high -
they can take it into their leaves and survive -
the orange petals, like sudden fire.

It is an easy equation for life:
they need more water or they'll die.
I need more something or I'll die.

I come up against blank spots
in words, in my head -
blank as windows of a train
diving into a tunnel.

They need more water or they'll die
I need more something or I'll die.

I've been listening and listening
to everything,
the sirens at night, the voices in the day.
Everything dropping like petals -

They need more water or they'll die.
I need more something or I'll die.

There's a bitter taste in my mouth,
always, a sour trickle,
not a downpour,
empty drizzle, slight rain.

They need more water or they'll die.
I need more something or I'll die.

I often think of disappearing,
there are always planes flying overhead.
I'll become the ghost in the trees, bury me
under crinkled leaves.

They need more water or they'll die.
I need more something or I'll die.

Certificate 12
Poem
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on
Like this a lot. The repetition is effective and powerful. Tina

 

Submitted by bobblehat2023 on
Most of my questions about this are very similar to my questions about the butterfly one. For example, here: "blank as windows of a train diving into a tunnel." Why are the windows of a train blank as it dives into a tunnel? The windows don't change when the train goes into a tunnel - it's view you see through the windows that changes. I do like bits of this, though. "When I can't think what else to do, I buy flowers." is a really good start. Draws the reader in by creating interesting questions in their mind. The key problem is that the poem is based around you (or the narrator) comparing yourself to the flowers but you're not telling the reader anything specific about yourself. "I need more something or I'll die" could work but the reader needs some more clues as to what 'something' is and why you'll die if you don't get it. The wanting to disappear and the trickle of bitterness in the mouth are both potentially interesting but you need more specifics - otherwise all the reader gets is 'someone I don't know is pissed off'.

 

Submitted by tcook on
This time I agree with bukharin. I also found the line 'I need more something' rather clumsy. I know what you mean but I suspect that there is a better way of putting it. I think you have real potential as a poet and I hope that you take these criticisms constructively!

Submitted by shatterboxx on
Argh, how to detail specifics when you're not sure yourself what the specifics are... Hence the word 'something'. I don't like it much, but it's the only thing I can currently think of!

Submitted by Firebird on
I like it :) Hope you find your "something".