Was I sure of anything anymore? I had been so sure of killing those spies, those spies who had threatened US security, who had betrayed us, me. Now, I wondered what the point of it all was? What was I doing with all these university students, trying to decode media messages, trying to find in them the truth somehow? What was I trying to do? What was the purpose of my life?
the deeper i reach into myself, the less sure i was that god was with me as he had always been. i felt even a little alienated from god now, less sure of percy's love or any love for that matter. i wanted nothing more than to feel once again that america was right in doing what it was doing, perhaps, i was getting old, but even among these college students who seem to view me as a sort of celebrity in disguise, i really wondered where we were headed as a nation. all my life, i had been a neoconservative, strongly defending US policies, seeing the US as the only nation who did anything when evil things occurred and even rejecting my jewish past, even the holidays because i really believed in america, but now i wondered. what was my destiny? to do all this work for the mossad or the cia to be exterminated later because they didn't trust me. who could trust really in this day and age. no one worked for one corporation anymore. people changed companies and they changed their suits. things were always changing, i suppose, but now, what was i to do. what was i becoming. i had spent so much time defending myself that i did not know who i was.
Percy interior monologue:
When i look at trisha, i wonder who she is. wasn't there a time when there was romance in seeing her, when seeing her was like seeing a goddess of sorts, but now, she looks merely mortal, nothing special at all, a drag on my soul. ever since yale, we were together, almost perfect, almost like brother-sister in connection, in loving and in being, and so kind and understanding of each other although competing with each other. what had happened. yes,, it was jealousy that had poisoned their relationship, poisoned it hard. what was so special about gabriel. so filled with anger was he. so foreign and so strange. the whole idea that she felt any kind of atraction for gabriel made him feel disgusted. it was unreal. and did he want to possess her? he knew that she hated being possessed. it made her feel like an object, but was there a way of feeling not possessed that was love, was not love completely possession?