Cafe By The Sea- Part 2

Nirbhik’s Story

Making a good first impression was never Nirbhik’s strong suit, and he had stopped making an effort long time ago. Since his school days he was ordinary in every sense of the word. He was at best average in academics. Participated in any sport only in the capacity of an extra. He could not draw or sing and literally wet his pants at the prospect of doing anything on stage (debate, drama, elocution were completely out of question). Whoever thought every child is special, obviously never met Nirbhik. The boys abhorred him.  The girls avoided him. He never had a girlfriend and resigned to the fact that he never will. By the time he finished school and went to college he had made peace with his life and that was liberating. He never sought any ones (with exception of his family) company, friendship or love. He was seldom happy but always content. He convinced himself that while happiness is ephemeral, content is more enduring. He did not expect anything from life and that is what made him fearless.

Nirbhik was born and raised in Pune. A small city some four hour’s drive from Mumbai. He had an undergraduate degree in History which was hardly worth the paper it was printed on. Drifting from one call centre to other, Nirbhik had already spent four years in the industry by the February of 2009. The last one year with NWG Customer Support Ltd. It was during the training for a new position at work that he first met Lekha. At first sight all he saw was a woman with a pretty face and pretty shoes, which were probably worth more than his month’s salary. He sensed that Lekha was rather amused in an ironic way on meeting him, yet irritated by the idea of working with him. Nirbhik could not care less. He was neither enthused nor intimidated by the prospect of working with Lekha.

Indifference was Nirbhik’s defence mechanism. He had a well-practised disinterest towards other people’s lives. Ignore others before they can ignore you. That is the principle he lived by and that is exactly how he treated Lekha. It was a Friday evening while Nirbhik was involved in his day-end reverie, when he felt a tap on his shoulders and heard Lekha’s voice ‘Hey! If you do not have any plans for the evening, would you like to catch up for a coffee?’ He blankly stared at her face for a moment trying grasp the oddity of the situation. He did not have any plans for the evening. He never did. There was something honest and reassuring about Lekha’s smile that compelled him to say yes. Sitting in a café at Bandra Band Stand, exchanging the customary questions, Nirbhik could feel his defences cracking. He felt vulnerable. Itching to go home, he only sat there to respect the genuine effort that Lekha made to engage him in a meaningful conversation. It was all very surreal for him. Nirbhik was tad embarrassed to share his half-hearted life with Lekha. Details about Lekha’s boyfriend and soon to be husband did not make things any easier. But honest to a fault, Nirbhik did not try to put up any pretences. He did not find the usual judgemental tone in Lekha’s voice. He felt uncomfortable. Something was extremely right or exceedingly wrong. Only time would tell.

Since that day, and probably for the first time in years he liked the company of another human being of his age. His well-disciplined heart was still apprehensive. It was well aware that Lekha was in a committed relationship. But Lekha’s innocent acceptance of his flawed life and past was hard to ignore. He was confident that he could keep his heart on leash. He promised himself at a tender age not to pursue any mirage and Lekha was just that.

When Lekha left her job at NWG Customer Support, Nirbhik started feeling an odd sense of longing- an unfamiliar feeling for him. He was tempted to leave his job and go back to Pune, but was pragmatic enough to know better. He tried to meet Lekha as frequently as possible. More often than not he had little to contribute to their conversations. He eagerly heard Lekha’s stories of marriage preparations, her apprehensions about moving to London, Dheeraj’s high profile job and her plans of honeymoon in south of Spain. Nirbhik was not jealous. At times he just felt tad unfortunate.

It was two o’clock in the morning.  Nirbhik was leaning against the window looking at the surprise shower in November. He lived in a modest one –room rented apartment in a run-down part of Mumbai.  It was a Saturday and he was in no hurry to sleep. The gusts of wind and rain kept precariously banging against the window pane, almost testing the hinges. Nirbhik was holding a glass of cheap rum mixed with water in his left hand while his right hand was stretched outside the window. As he felt the water rolling down his hand something within him churned. He wanted to put it down to momentary effect of alcohol but he knew it was something more sinister. He never had the luxury of being in love, so he did not know how it felt. But if it felt anything like the way, he was feeling then, he was better off not being in love. A deep sense of sadness and regret washed over him. In that one moment his whole life felt so meaningless and empty. He picked up his phone and sent a text to Lekha requesting to meet at eleven o’clock in the morning at their usual café by the sea. He hardly slept for rest of the night…

 Lekha and Nirbhik’s Story

Lekha and Nirbhik’s story was no “Love in the Time of Cholera”. It was a hodgepodge of mixed emotions, awkward silence, half goodbyes and lasted no more than forty five minutes.

Lekha was already working through her second cup of flat-white at the café, when she saw Nirbhik approaching. She was sitting at the same table that they sat the first day they came to the café. After the last nights rain the sun was out and Lekha was in a pleasant mood, so she decided to condone Nirbhik’s lack of punctuality.

Nirbhik walked into the café, took a place opposite Lekha and ordered a tea for himself. Nirbhik was already second guessing his decision to meet Lekha while he was in a fragile state of mind. He did not really know what he wanted to say or even if he had anything to say at all. He could not find the words. He was hoping the words would find him. He started the conversation with some pleasantries. He enquired about her marriage preparations, venue bookings and other such inane details.

Lekha noticed that Nirbhik was not his usual self. He was avoiding looking her in the eyes. He looked tired and kept rubbing his eyes too often. Though Lekha was speaking, she knew Nirbhik was not with her. She could feel herself getting irritated. She was in the middle of explaining the design of her wedding card when she finally lost the trail and almost shouted ‘damn it Nirbhik! What the hell is wrong with you today?’ Nirbhik sat there in silence looking in to her eyes. He could feel the storm gathering in his.  Wanting to get over with it, he softly mumbled ‘I am sorry but I think I like you or love you, I am not too sure. Maybe this meeting was a mistake.’ He could hardly hear himself but he continued, ‘I just wanted to know how you feel about this whole situation? About us?’ He knew his breath wreaked of cheap rum and his words of moral ineptitude. He was apologetic about that, but too tired to care.

Lekha heard every word. Any other day and to any other person she would have given the time tested ‘I thought we are just good friends’ speech. But she could not lie to him or to herself. She had heard many men profess their love for her, but for first time she saw someone being apologetic about it. Almost convinced he was not worthy of her love. She pensively looked outside the glass walls of the café. The sky was getting dark again as ominous clouds shrouded the sun.  ‘I am not too sure either, Nirbhik’, she finally said in a contemplating tone. ‘Maybe I am just fond of you. Maybe I love you. Never really stopped to think about it’ she said still looking at the sea outside.

‘But what is love after all Lekha?’ asked Nirbhik, stirring his tea, which had long turned cold. Lekha turned to face Nirbhik. Nirbhik could see the anguish in her face as she struggled to find an answer. Lekha’s mind was going numb. Last winter when she first kissed Dheeraj while walking by the river at South Bank in London, she was sure she knew the answer. But that day looking in to Nirbhik’s eyes, brimming with tears, Lekha was not too sure anymore.

An awkward silence descended between the two individuals who came from different worlds. Poets and philosophers have long dwelled on the voice of silence. But unfortunately for these two hapless people the silence between them was just that, silence. Deadpan and quiet. Lekha and Nirbhik sat there motionless staring at the sea outside. The waves seemed to crash against the rocks harder and louder. Finally Nirbhik broke the silence only to wish Lekha the very best for her marriage and her new life in London. He then slowly pushed his chair back and stood up to leave the café. He probably had much more to say, but he could not find the words and the words did not find him either. He looked at Lekha one last time, not knowing when he would see her again, and then slowly walked out of the café. The tears which were once brimming in his eyes, were now rolling down the corner of his lips. After many, many years Nirbhik, the fearless one, was scared. Very, very scared.

Any other person would have found Nirbhik’s abrupt departure impolite but Lekha knew better. She knew Nirbhik was aching to go back to the comfort of his loneliness. She said a soft ‘thank you’ but made no effort to stop him.  Outside it was raining again. Lekha watched as Nirbhik stepped out in the rain, walked along the sea and disappeared in the sea of people. They never saw each other again.

2014, London, UK

Not long after that Saturday in the November of 2009, Lekha got married to Dheeraj in a grand ceremony held in a five star hotel in Mumbai. Soon after the newlyweds left for their honeymoon in the picturesque beaches of Malaga and then settled in their apartment near Covent Garden, an upscale neighbourhood in central London.  In three years while Dheeraj was working his way up the corporate ladder, Lekha completed her masters in Sociology. By end of 2013 Lekha was pregnant with Deepshikha.

Lekha looked at the bundle of joy still fast asleep in the cot. That is when the answer to the question Nirbhik asked almost five years ago truly dawned on her. She finally realised what love is after all. For a brief moment Nirbhik’s teary eyes flashed in front of hers. She would never know how she really felt about Nirbhik. But she did not feel that it was important to put a name to that feeling. She turned towards the book she was still holding in her hand. The poem she was looking at was called ‘Walking Away’ by C-Day Lewis. The lines highlighted in yellow read..

I have had worse partings, but none that so

Gnaws at my mind still.  Perhaps it is roughly

Saying what God alone could perfectly show –

How selfhood begins with a walking away,

And love is proved in the letting go.

2014, Mumbai, India

Not long after that Saturday in the November of 2009, Nirbhik…

The End