Sleep in Heavenly Peace

Yes
you were my Grandmother
my Nanny Joyce
but titles don’t do it all
do they

Alcoholism
I can forgive
but my mother is my hero
and let’s face it
so many times for so many years
you treated her like shit

we can talk now
in a different tone and tense
it’s all finally
past

we can talk now
about the fifteen double gins a night
the endless hours in pubs
the bottles under the sofa
the mess
the strife
the fight

you were slow on the eye
but in the mind
swift

I’d heard all about the swindles
but how much
did you really lift?
some things that were stolen
held more
than mere monetary value

I’ve heard all the stories
about the cons
and the affairs
about the disowning of responsibility
and the ways in which
you weren’t there

One solitary moment of affection
is all I can recall
I was on the landing
and it was Christmas

I was in my favourite spot
from which to watch the
lights hanging from the houses
down the street

You approached me from behind
and without making anything obvious
you stood close enough
for our bodies to meet
not a hug
nor cuddle
just
contact

‘Silent Night’ was playing
from a room somewhere
and you told me
it was your favourite carol

you hummed
sang it lightly
hinted
at a voice I never heard
at a warmth
I never felt

Each and every year after that
I thought of you when I heard it
I thought of you
and I held so much hatred

Once
I saw you sitting on a bench
in the shopping centre

I was a teenager
I was hurt
and I ignored you

I kept on walking, watching your lost face
dazed, moaning,
overweight

I kept on walking
and I thought
how strange
that you were my Grandmother

but titles don’t do it all
do they

I saw you a few more times
the last
was two years ago
at your eightieth
when we all got together
and feigned celebration

I think
it was the only time
you didn’t cause a miserable scene

I think
it was because that day
was for you
and I remember
how
I felt it only highlighted
your selfishness

a year later
my mother turned sixty
and I turned up
only to find her in tears
slashed again
by your sharp tongue

When I heard
that the bottle had finally taken its toll
when I heard
you’d lost your mind
that you weighed less than seven stone
and that your kidneys and liver
had failed

I didn’t know what to feel

a monumental chapter
has finally been concluded
from a story
that started way before
I could read

The words to that carol
say
‘Sleep in heavenly peace...’
and I wonder if that’s what you’ll do

I struggle
to decide
if that’s what you deserve

but it’s for questions like these
that I look for guidance
and I see
that even after everything
my mum
has forgiven you

and as she’s a real role model
I guess
I can learn
to forgive too