It was quiet tonight; the walk back home across the beach was creepy. The clouds had crossed over leaving know sight of the golden twinkling stars that had only moments ago lit up the night sky. The waves were crashing fiercely against each other, and I could feel there was something coming, someone following me, something dark and evil that made my stomach turn. I took my last step off the beach when I felt with force my body being chucked back down to the cold wet sand. My head bashed against a rock and I felt the pain cripple me semi unconscious. My wrists where pinned to the floor. I was trying to struggle free, escape from the tightness of the grip around my wrists. the more I was trying, the more the grip become more powerful, more restricted and stronger. I tried to focus my eyes see what was holding me paralysed to the floor, but with one glance of the monster in front of me, I screamed in terror. Surely I was dreaming, this coudnt be real. I must of hit my head so hard that now I was mid flow in to another nightmare. I looked up again and stared in terror of the silhouette of darkness on top of me holding me down laughing at my screams. There was no face, no features just darkness. As if a shadow was weighing down on me. This was no shadow this had force, it was holding me down laughing high pitched at the terror of my screams.
“Your screams will not be heard, if anything I finding them more of a turn on” the voice was sinister so evil, so spine tingling terrifing I had to look up again I had check make sure my eyes where not deceiving me of the dark demon forcing his lifeless body on mine. As I forced my eyes to look back up toward the darkness, I could see a glimpse of a humans face trying to desperately escape through the dark. His head shock erratically left to right while his faceless face began to shift into feature. Within a split second the darkness had evaporated and all that was left was a dark man,suffacting me with his body. His eyes where deep penetrating black almost hypnotic but filled with evil, they where soulless there wasn’t a touch of humanity behind his eyes he was the devil, the devil on his darkest day.
I woke up with sweat dripping down my forehead, it was just a dream. It had been 7 years since I was raped but the dreams where just as strong as they were 7 years ago. I could still feel where his hands had been around my wrist, the tightness of the grip the pressure from his fingers, trying to struggle out of the overpowering grip but not being able too even loosens it. I was not even sure if I had struggled, I felt my body responded to the force but there was also numbness. They say the body shuts down, becomes paralysed when it is under stress. The brain just shuts down trying to protect itself from harm. The bruises around my wrist was proof that I had struggled, I had attempted to fight the overpowering monster off me. I had tried to escape and fight of his suffocating presence and physical strength, began to overwhelm me. The force of his body was heavy and pushing me to the ground. The tightness of his grip around my wrist, which got tighter when I realised it had gone to my throat. Struggling to breathe, not knowing if I did want to breathe again. His hands where strong and large, rough skin similar to sand paper, scratching the skin of my body. Clutching on to my thighs and forcefully pushing his hand up the inside of my skirt. His other hand strongly clutched around my neck I could feel the oxygen been cut off, and a blinding panic began racing through my body. The force of his body on top off mine, I could not move I felt paralysed; the sickness that rose in my stomach unable to reach the surface, tight grip that was stealing my body. Just at that point, where the worst part was going to happen, I thought I could feel a warm sensation at the base of my back. As if two soft hands where making the way to the neck and shoulders, and as the darkness and pain threatened to destroy me a shaft of dazzling light burst through the ground reaching to the air, before falling in golden droplets onto my body rendering me unconscious, and then it was over. I didn’t open my eyes to see his face. I lied there still after I listened to him chuckling to himself I felt his lips touch my ear and he gently whispered into my ear
“you will thank me for this one day” the vomit forced its way out and I heard him laugh and as he laughter faded away I ran as fast as I could back to my home, and that’s the moment the nightmares started.
I looked around at my dark room and switched the table lamp on. The room hadn’t really changed over the years I gone from my little pony to spice girls to plain old cream with a hint of red rose petals splattered over the curtains and duvet. I new I should of moved out from home tintagel was so small now and suffocating that everyone new everyone else’s business. I was scared to be on my own, scared of what would become of me. Least here with mum, however much she drove me mad tried to control my life I was safe from the evil of the world safe from me.
Mum barged in my room with worry over her face
“For god sake why can’t you knock” mum switched the light on and looked at me in shock.
“I heard you screaming I thought something was wrong, she looked embarrassed I coudnt figure out what she was so ashamed about till I looked to my left and there laid next to me was a man. Not anyone I could recognise he was still sleeping and I noticed the half drunken vodka bottle beside the bed and realised I had probably picked up another holiday maker. Mum slammed the bedroom door, and I nudged the complete stranger in the side, which he begrudgingly woke up from his sleep
“What, what is it” he asked in a sleepy voice
“Fun over, time for you to leave” I jumped out of bed and through his clothes at him. The shame of my one night stands would be enough to put me off, but I hated sleeping alone, even worst I hated drinking alone this wasn’t the first time I coudnt remember the man in my bed you would think the humiliation of being the local tart would make mum throw me out. She didn’t she could see pass the self destructing the longing for someone to see passed the drink and the sex, see me for who I so longed to be the girl I was before I was raped. The man slipped back into his clothes and kissed me one the cheek, which sent a shiver of disgust down my spine and he left the room. I waited a few minutes and made my down the stairs mum was smashing around in the kitchen.
“Ok” I asked with trepidation
She gave me scowl and carried on making her cup of tea.
“Come on mum, it’s not that bad” she turned round suddenly
“Did you even no this one name,” she asked me in disgust, I looked her with shock unable to answer her because I didn’t know his name she was right
“no I didn’t think you did, you cant keep doing this amy its not fare to you or to me” I wasn’t sure what to say it was a lecture that I heard so many times I seemed to switch off when she talked now. She was right but I didn’t care I wanted to care wanted to give my body and soul the respect it needed but I was to far gone to tired to even try.
I caught mum glance at the deep petruding scars on my wrists the reminder to her that I was fragile that one nasty remark one look of disgust could send me back to that dark place. We didn’t really mention the scars or how they got, they got from to much vodka and to many disturbing dreams it seemed the easy way out take my own life so I coudnt feel the pain and disgust anymore. As always mum was there she found me unconscious lying in the bath. I cant possibly imagine what it must be like to see your own child in that situation I wasn’t thinking of her at the time I just wanted it all to end I still did really the nightmare had become so strong and intense I felt like it was happening all over again every night.
I looked at mum stirring her cup of tea, and for the first time I noticed how much she had aged. It wasn’t just me that had been affected. Like the stress had somehow crossed over to her and sketched itself on her once pretty face. She looked like she was the one that needed protection. She was so small and delicate to look at, she just reached the top of my shoulders and I was not particularly tall myself. Most of the family where shorter than 5ft seven and that included the men. I took a glimpse of her hair, she must of coloured it, hadn’t even noticed it before. There was a blonde tint to it now. That was one of the things I had acquired off my mother, we both had thick wild uncontrollable hair. We had also inherited the Coleman wave, which was bearable, but unlike my mother’s light wave mine would turn into one big frizz ball. Mum was starting to look her age. She was only 48, but she always pretended she was 35 and people would believe it. She always had such a youthful demeanour about her. Always jolly and making the best of herself, even it was a short walk to the local shop, her lippy and blusher had been applied, that was another way we were different, I didn’t make the most of my looks, as long as I was comfy then it didn’t care what I looked like. Naturally, I would make an effort to look good when I went out but even that seemed like a lifetime ago. going out was not on my top list of priorities, not since it had happened it felt like my world had grown small and was shrinking even smaller. Everything seemed an effort, even with people I knew, even being here with mum.
“ do you no what mum im going back to bed” I felt so guilty for what I had done to her that I found it hard to be around her it was easier to snap and some how blame her for everything then face the reality. She didn’t turn round she didn’t even ahnowldge I spoke she just carried on in her world of her own stirring the tea probably shedding a quiet tear for the daughter she lost 7 years ago and now I was just an empty shelL.
I walked up the stairs towards the bedroom and looked at the photos hanging on the walls. They were mainly photos of me. Pictures from my childhood, memories of a lovely happy little girl. Eyes that sparkled with a huge grin on my face holding a bucket and spade building castles on the sandy beach. We often went to Paington for holidays when I was young I was a pretty child very happy with big mousy brown locks that bounced all over my tiny face. A few more steps and a few more photos later, I realised that the photos showed my growing life. From the snapshots showing my early childhood to my teenage years. Then when I reached the top, there were some just before my 15 birthday just before it all changed, I looked so happy. I was sat with my mother on the beach. I looked healthy and vibrant. So much had changed in a few short years. How life could take such a dramatic turn and change this young happy 15 year-old girl, with flawless skin and shiny bright mousy hair. Then I sighed, as I looked down at my tatty t shirt and joggers the same thing I wore out most days. My hair looked limp and lifeless scraped back into a bun with only a left side of fringe falling in front my eyes. My skin so pale and pasty with big black circles under the eyes from the terrible nightmares I was having every night. And I realised I should look like every other 22 year old happy glowing but I didn’t I was wreck mentally and physically the booze was aging me every day the late night and nightmare was making me look like I had been in fights most evening I was a wreck. Despressed and exhausted I took myself off to bed.
There where shadows every where moving following me I was across the beach, running from the blackness flying across the beach waiting to pounce on me laughing and cackling. There was something small at the end of the beach someone stood motionless with there arms out, I was running to safe them and the closer I got I realised it was a child, a beautiful child no older than 5 with big blonde locks dropping across the face. It was boy and I needed to protect him, protect him from the darkness. The laughter was getting closer and I new they wanted us I knew they wanted him. The angelic child stood alone looking scared and powerless holding his arms out waiting for me to save him take him away from the darkness that was circling around him.
I sat up immediately sweat trickling down my face my t shirt was wet through. It was just a dream I thought to myself just a dream but this time it was different the child I could still see the child in my mind holding his arms out looking so innocent waiting for me to save him from the shadows. I reached over the remaining vodka and swallowed a large gulp I looked at the clock 6.42.AM I climbed out of the bed and threw my coat over me. I needed some air I needed to shake the image of the child face off me. The darkness of the shadows still felt like they where lingering around in my room so I picked up the vodka and made my way out of the house.
I made my way down to the beach, even with all the bad memories I had of this beach I still coudnt stop coming. It was always like a second home to me some where I could clear my head feel at peace with myself. Mum hated me coming down here on my own she coudnt understand why I would even want to, I didn’t really understand it but I new the monster was long gone. that night I new I could feel the darkness approaching and never had I felt that sensation again, he came and did what he needed to do I was of no use to him now. It was hard to try to describe him to my mum after it happened the councillor said that it was just the way my mind was dealing with it making him into a monster they never believed me that he wasn’t human. The bruises and cuts where the only proof that I had been raped otherwise I think they would of thought I made the whole thing up.
I watched as the wave’s crash against the golden sand, I could feel the cool breeze on my skin. It was the middle of august but sitting by the sea always left you with a chill through your bones. I took another large gulp and the strong burning sensation from the vodka took away the chill from the sea breeze. My head started to feel a bit dizzy my body felt warm and tingly, and I was starting to feel calm and at peace. I stared towards the sea it was calm with a hint of turquoise to it. There was an old couple with their dog just leaving the beach and there was no one else around. I carried on frantically gulping at the poison that was taking over my life. Every think was starting to feel hazy and my body was starting to feel like a feather blowing in the wind so I slowly laid my head back on the sand and looked up at the dark sky. The stars were starting to glisten and the moon was full and bold, glowing in the darkness, and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep.
“Please stop I don’t want to do this”, I screamed from the top of my voice. I could feel his large grubby dirty hands running roughly down my breast and grabbing them with his fierce angry hands. He pulled his head right up to my left ear and sadistically ran his wet tongue down the side of my face. He grabbed the top of my hair, pulled my face to the side, and carried running his tongue down to the bottom of my neck. Then he looked up at me. I knew he was getting off on the fear that I was holding in my eyes, he gave a smirk of victory and then pushed his wet smelly lips to my mouth, i did not respond, not even after he was crushing my mouth with his lips and pushing his rotten dirty tongue into my month. I just laid there motionless he pulled my skirt up to my waist and yanked my legs apart with such force I felt the pain race through my thighs I knew what was coming next.
I laid their eyes wide-open sweat dripping down my forehead, I tried to focus my eyes but every think was dark. Then I noticed the twinkle from the stars. That when it hit me, I was dreaming again. I sat up took a deep breath in and wiped the droplets off my forehead. I felt sick again, panic was starting to overcome me, not panic from the horrific vivid dream that had just happened, but panic that I would have to go through it all again as soon as I allowed my eyes to close. The most disturbing thing about what I had been through it wasn’t the fact I was attacked, yes that was hard and horrific in its own right, but it was living with it every single night I had to relive it through my dreams. It was just as intense as the actual ordeal itself, it was like being attacked all over again I was a caterpillar cocooned in my own mind. I really didn’t want to either. I couldn’t live like this, too scared to fall asleep, too scared to be awake my life was over, I was just existing in a world that had defined me. It had turned me into something that I couldn’t bare to look at anymore. I saw the bottle of vodka beside me and swallowed the remainder of the bottle like I was dying of thirst. I sat and wondered how my mother would cope if I wasn’t around anymore she would be devastated, but as the great saying goes time is a healer and the longer I was here the more misery and shame I was putting my mother through. She was the only person in my life that I loved, but I could not be here just for her I could not stand another night of those awful dreams. I didn’t want to live in a world, which was filed with bad memories never being able to move. There had to be a world after this where all the hatred all the pain would disappear melt away. Make me normal, make me find some peace with what had happened to me, because that was all I wanted peace.
I took a deep breath, I stood up with a struggle I seemed to be uneasy on me feet, and I walked out towards the sea. It was looking a bit fiercer now the tide was starting to come in and the waves were starting to pound against the sand and the rocks, as if it had woken from a nice dream and now was pissed off. I knew it would be cold, the temperature had dropped since I had fell asleep but that didn’t scare me, I knew that shortly I would be in a place that would be full of warmth and loving and I would feel sane again.