Mister Hopper

4 posts / 0 new

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Sat, 2006-01-28 23:18

Mister Hopper

Hi, I've just finished my second short story on this site and would really appreciate any feedback people could give me on it. Thanks in advance,
Tim

http://www.abctales.com/node/548693

Sun, 2006-01-29 00:46

mikepyro

very interesting juanni. I love the pace and story. I didn't find much for you to work on except any structure in the sentences and maybe expand a bit more on it. Also I must warn you. Many people do not like it when you post asking for comments on your work. You have to read some, comment on others work first. I'm just trying to tell you this in advance. Keep on writing. Pete: "Charlie I have to tell you something. You're the nicest guy I know." Charlie: "I'm sorry to hear that Pete."

Give me the beat boys and free my soul! I wanna getta lost in ya rock n' roll and drift away. Drift away...

Sun, 2006-01-29 10:56

Juliet OC

I really liked the structure of this story, the beginning and ending almost like a nature programme ( you could make this more 'fly on the wall' style as a real nature doc) I like the way you have internal dialogue working alongside actual dialogue. I think the dialogue needs some work, the sales assistant needs to be a bit subtler - so that manipulates the shopper to think those things. Juliet

Juliet

Sun, 2006-01-29 13:33

juanni

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm new to this site so wasn't really sure how you went about getting feedback, etc. Going to re-work the dialogue a bit, as going through it again myself, it does seem a bit too convenient from the sales assistant's point of view.

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