What to do with a mean boss?

I'm not sure... everytime I've had a mean boss I've left my job so I'm not a good one to ask. I think I told you about the boss I had who had the same name as me and insisted I be called 'Louise' in the office as there was only room for one 'Hayley'. Best way to deal with it is be very very nice, all of the time, so she is the one who looks bad. If she's really mean you could either a) bring it up with her or b) bring it up with another person in authoritiy. Or you could put a drawing pin on her chair and chewing gum in her hairbrush. (not that I'd condone this).

Can you handle a confrontation? I'd make an 'appointment' to speak to them, privately, and point out this incident (and others if relevant). Use terms to personalise it for yourself: When you shout at me it belittles me in front of my coworkers. When you do X it makes me feel Y. Make suggestions as to how they might want to consider doing X in the future, with softly-softly words: In the future if you want me to X I feel it would be much better if you did Y. Use non-accusatory language and avoid the word 'always' as in "You always act like a [expletive]." Some people really have no idea what effect they have on other people. Be blunt, be honest, but avoid emotive language; focus on the action rather than the person. Even if they are an ogre. Hope this helps!

leave.... 95% of these problems cannot be solved. The only thing ever worked for me is to be so nice and reasonable back to them when they are mean it drives them mad. If they think you're unaffected by their wankiness they may stop doing this. It works 1/20 cases though

From experience: This is a food chain thing. if you are low on the food chain and are spoken to lke that, you're expected to take it on the chin, to an extent (I'm presuming there's no direct harrassment here). It's par for the course in many organisations and if it's just the experience you're there for, stick it out for a few months and leave. If you're in the middle of the chain, you can do what archergirl suggests. I haven't really seen it work, though, but on paper it's the 'right' thing to do I suppose. Often, I can imagine that people'll just think you're pathetic, though. I've been on many management courses etc where they train you to approach situations like that. In life, when dealing with a f*cking idiot pr1ck, it mostly doesn't wash. If you're nearer the top, you can say what you actually think. Within reason. It's harsh but true. Oh, and by food chain, i don't neccessarily mean seniority, I mean popularity. If you're liked, you can get away with a lot. I, like most normal people, try to treat others how I would like to be treated. However, some people are just bastards. All of this is why I have, for the past 5 years, only worked in the public or charity sectors. It's all a lot more managable here, a lot of the time. And, surprisingly, often a lot more professional. Enzo.. www.thedevilbetweenus.com

Ha! Thanks, span! I work for the county council; I used to work directly with the councillors, who are a tetchy bunch. Take themselves sooo seriously. I'm now a master at diplomatic non-confrontation when I choose. (Learned the hard way, too!...) Another thing you might want to consider is, if you decide to confront, start out with a compliment; get her where she needs the compliment. -Then- use the word "and" instead of the word "but". It sounds much better and takes them off-guard. Like: "Rhoda, I know this is a huge project you're working on; you've been working so hard and you must be frazzled [lay it on thick], AND, when you shout at me in front of the gallery owners it makes me feel Y. " When you slip the compliment in front and avoid the word 'but' (which puts people instantly on the defensive) you leave them hopefully more open to hearing what you're saying. It works a treat. Hee hee hee! I'm almost hoping you'll do it, just so I can imagine the look on the ogre's face...

Enzo, you are right, esp. about public sector jobs. But the confrontation stuff -does- work, if you do it like you mean it, with dignity (and not in a whingey manner, which is of course the most natural way to feel!).

Yes, do it like you mean it is definately the key. If you are not a natural at those sort of techniques, and it's not the way you generally handle yourself in the office, that's when it seems a bit silly and out-of-context. And whingey. If you generally take that kind of approach to situations I can imagine it would carry a lot more weight. Enzo.. www.thedevilbetweenus.com

Believe it or not, I used to -hate- confrontations. I was bullied in the schoolyard, so standing up for myself came very late to me. Now, though, I have no trouble with it. No, that's not true. I still don't like it, but I can do it well. The old, "Yes, Rhoda, of course, you're right, I screwed up," tactic also works well, with people who are itching to fight you. I've done that one, too. Takes the air right out of 'em. Maybe I should forget poetry and write an advice column instead...Hah!

This kind of thing sends me flying into a rage. As Enzo says, most of the time you just learn to suck it up and not react, but eventually it kind of spills over... Whenever a 'superior' has belittled me, I hear a voice inside my head saying 'Who is *he*/*she* to talk to *me* like that? I can run rings round him/her intellectually! Right - that's it!' and I just go extremely clinical, up my vocabulary by about ten degrees, and very calmly, very coldly lay into them. To my surprise, it has always worked - every single time I've done it, the person in question has backed down and apologised, mainly, I suppose, because I've given the impression of having kept my temper. Of course, if I were a better person, I would use my anger in a more constructive, compassionate way. I'm very lucky now to have nice bosses and be working in a job I love. I hope you feel better soon, Span. I think the Buddha would have probably suggested being mindful of your anger, and observing it to see your reactions, or something. I bet he would have been lovely to work for, too. Doughnuts on a Friday and everything.

I'm the kind of person who thinks of all of the things I would have said about 3 hours later, when I'm STILL cross. I'm also the kind of person who isn't especially articulate at the best of times, especially when I'm upset, and therefore I agree with Pesky, a charm offensive is the way forward. Of course, there does come a point when you just want to chuck it in and just stamp on the offendee's foot but would advise against this somewhat radical approach. I'm afraid I have very few words of wisdom for this problem Span, other than I hope it gets better soon and if it doesn't, you know where I am.

when you've been well and truly fooked over by a boss for the umpteenth time and a fellow worker just pats you on the shoulder and says, "shit rolls down hill my friend" you start to grow a thicker skin and take it on the chin evehn though it's wrong. On a recent CV I put as 'reason for leaving your last job': " I got tired of being the designated driver on the boss's ego trips."

Yeah, agree with ely (again - I hate him so much), if the project's important to you, roll with the punch (yeah! I've always wanted to use that cliche - thanks Spannah) in the firm knowledge that you will leave when its over or when you feel you gained enough from it. Confrontation rarely works - esp. in the private sector. You will be the loser - I'm very sorry Ms Spannah but your role no longer exists. You get a crap redundancy package and the employ someone else only with a slightly different job title. Public sector is a bit different but the end result is the same. They will get rid of you in the end. There will come a day when your boss will cock up (they all do). Keep that in your mind, tell yourself you are a better person than they are (recite it over and over when you are face to face with them) and smile. They hate that. Although don't grin (as I did once) - that gets complicated: 'Did I say something funny Stormyperson?' 'Erm, no, I'm listening to what you are saying' 'So why are you grinning?' 'Because I just created an image of you, lying on your back underneath a squatting Jeremy Beadle, eating his turds, that's why.' That retort was, of course, silent. I left 6 months later. He got the sack three months after that. If I'd stayed, I may have got his job. Ho hum, as Tc says. Stick with it Span.

I'm a bit short of work at the moment, so I'm available for boss bashing at the following rates: A good slapping: £10.00 Kick in the gonads: £15.00 Nipple tweaking: £10.00 ( per Nip ) Farting under their duvet: £20.00 Insertion of traffic cone: £20.00 ( oral ) £50.00 ( anal ) All above prices ex VAT

It was funny, with hindsight, Hannah... I had businness cards with my 'other' name on them and everything. My very first piece of journalism that appeared in print was under my 'other' name... It was bizarre. What astounds me most is that I allowed it to happen at all. I would NEVER stand for that now!

Hmmm Hox, I have one small institution...er that's 44 nips.. hmm well that's £440 ex VAT ...hmmm