camilla-edited

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Sat, 2006-03-11 10:47

camilla-edited

http://www.abctales.com/story/lisa-hinsley/camilla-edited

This is great Lisa, the tweaked beginning makes for a better read all over. Like Harry said in the other thread, it is a painfully accurate picture of such scenes and comes across much clearer, and the other details stand out better because of it, such as the cot being the only clean white thing in the room, and the so sad "Daady make it better" phrase.
I personally preferred him ending up in a cafe too.
I've looked for a gripe, and i have this, he clucked it out and then shot off to get his daughter, or so it seemed. I though that was a bit quick. Perhaps he should have moved away and found his feet a bit first, so we all believed he was really ready? That's not a big gripe though, and it's not about the writing as such, just the story line.I really enjoyed it and the changes were spot on.

Sat, 2006-03-11 11:40

lisa h

Thank you, couldn't have done it without all the help. As for the gripe - if it were me, I couldn't have her back soon enough. Maybe that's a female thing?

Sat, 2006-03-11 15:23

QueenElf

It's much better, I wouldn't tweak it anymore.

Lfuller

Sat, 2006-03-11 16:21

archergirl

Lisa, that was Fan. Effing. Tastic. Much, much improved. -Still- choked me up. First paragraph: "As he tried to find a vein in which to pierce with his needle" is only slight awkward. Maybe: "As he tried to find a vein in which to stick/poke/jam [something] his needle..." the 'in which' and the 'with' clunk a wee bit. Other than that, beautiful.

Sat, 2006-03-11 18:31

Moimo

Lisa, loved the original, loved the tweaked version more, I think their were a few words missing (accidently deletedwhile editing I think) but what a read, emotional stuff. Thanks Harry Kerdean

Sat, 2006-03-11 20:41

josiedog

And a Cherry too! Well played, that Giver Of The Cherries.

Sat, 2006-03-11 21:07

Curious connie

I have read both pieces and threads with interest, and I am surprised that our young American friend is the only one that has picked up on the similarities in this piece to Irvine Welsh's 'Trainspotting'. I also agree Archergirl on this "As he tried to find a vein in which to pierce with his needle" being rather clunky, should it be "as he tried to find a vein to pierce with his needle" Whilst some of the images fit perfectly there are others I am not too sure of such as, "Tom cried for a long time, sometimes with tears, sometimes with drugs" i think overall is pretty good, but is worth improving slightly to make it great.

Sun, 2006-03-12 19:04

lisa h

Woohoo! I got a cherry! I worked hard on this, so it's especially nice to have the effort rewarded. Cheers to the Cherry Fairy. I slipped on the above mentioned sentence as well, should have looked again. Will do that last edit, and then I'm done. Thanks again for all the comments and help. Lisa

Sun, 2006-03-12 19:17

Juliet OC

definetly much improved - well done Lisa you worked well with the crits. a great tale. Juliet

Juliet

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