Human Being Bag Lady by nolan

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Fri, 2006-04-07 21:46

archergirl

Human Being Bag Lady by nolan

http://www.abctales.com/story/nolan/human-being-bag-lady

This story has some vivid descriptions and a strange miasmic atmosphere. I loved the 'face like a diseased plum'.

If I could suggest a couple of tweaks:

The language in the first couple of chapters is very choppy and would perhaps benefit from compounding some of the sentences to improve the flow, and the sequence of events (which deliberately skips around) is a a bit confusing. Also, is it Audrey or Angie?

Some consistency is needed in conversation style: should you use quotes, or not?

A bit of reworking will lend strength to this exploration of the ravages of time and poor choices. It's a good start to what could end up a very melancholy piece.

Hope you don't mind my flagging it for other readers...input, anyone?

Fri, 2006-04-07 22:25

josiedog

Was already flagged, AG, way down there somewhere, and I agree, I wasn't sure about the short clipped sentences at the beginning, but the overall melancholy atmosphere of the piece stayed with me after reading and I hoped others would read this bleak little tale. "Face like a diseased plum" stood out for me too, this damaged character was well depicted.

Fri, 2006-04-07 22:40

archergirl

Oh, cripes, I scanned down the page before posting and didn't see it; it must've been on the next page or I need glasses! Sorry about that...next time I'll scan further...

Sat, 2006-04-08 00:43

maisie

i missed it first time around but its highly enjoyable perhaps the best i have seen here yet. I liked the choppiness at the beginning - i felt it added to the atmosphere .. aided the narrator, letting us see it though his thoughts. there were parts i thought you could have improved tho, the speech marks etc, general grammer etc and of course the lady's name ... but memory is a funny thing even in abit of wriitng:) still much enjoyed :) maisie

maisie Guess what? I'm still alive!

Sat, 2006-04-08 10:27

Nolan

Thanks for all the comments. The Angie/Audrey thing. Sorry...my connection down ( BT! ) for a few days after posting and I couldn't get back in to finish changing the name. It is done now. She is Angie. I am my own proof reader and should be sacked. Speech marks. How I hate them. I spent a lot of time trying to get the use and non-use just right. Looks like I failed. Or did I? Will have another look. Thanks again to all who read and commented.

Sat, 2006-04-08 10:50

neilmc

I rather liked it, I particularly liked the care you took with the descriptions of the barmaid and Willy, little snippets like the "broken teddy bear" and "deafult settings of her face" which stood out for me. I think with the speech marks you either need all or nothing,

Sat, 2006-04-08 12:35

josiedog

And now a cherry too! Well played, the cherry pixies...

Sat, 2006-04-08 13:18

Juliet OC

I like the way the past and the present are beautifully woven in this. I particularly liked the way her mental decline was attributed to a spiked drink - like there is a moment when you gor from sane to insane. it is comforting to have a bag lady in a small town, as if she were a measure against which everyone else can feel smugly normal. Your betrayal of Angie i found extremely realistic, her repititions, her moments of clarity and paranoia. The small chapters give this a great flow and pace and though the ending is almost inevitable that to me is the point. I really great piece of writing. The characters in this are strong - they almost need a book to themselves. Juliet

Juliet

Sat, 2006-04-08 13:20

Juliet OC

just wondering if the title is the right way round. bag lady, human being? Afterall he saw bag lady first. Juliet

Juliet

Sat, 2006-04-08 13:52

#10

sky

I think I took the title two ways: A human being is a bag lady or A human is being a bag lady. good twist. Am I rambling?

Sat, 2006-04-08 17:08

#11

Foster

Just jumping on board - really excellent stuff, and these comments actually added to my enjoyment. I now take the title two ways, too. And what juliet said about a bag lady being comforting was really profound. foster.

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